Great news, fellow Americans! After a year of being hounded by the corrupt FBI and the libelous FAKE NEWS liberal media, our esteemed president scored a big win. I’m proud to report that after months of speculation and obstruction from the Deep State congress and their secret president Hillary Clinton, President Trump used
his famed dealmaking prowess the powers granted to the office to declassify Devin Nunes’ BOMBSHELL memo on Friday. And folks, it has the libtard Democrats running scar—
[touches earpiece] [nods solemnly]
Nevermind folks, the memo is a bunch of dumb ass bullshit, like pretty much everything else to come out of this administration.
You can cut to the chase and read the whole memo, but a quick recap: For weeks (that, yes, have felt like decades), Congress has been percolating over the existence of a memo penned by House Intel Committee chairman Devin Nunes. It supposedly showed all kinds of bias and malfeasance on the part of the FBI concerning their investigation into Trump’s campaign, except that the more congress got to see of it, the less they wanted to do with it. Democrats complained that it was partisan and devoid of context, and even Republicans feared it didn’t paint the whole picture and that they’d have little to gain from its release (spoiler: they were right!). But despite warnings from the DOJ and even Paul fucking Ryan to not release it, President Deals declassified it and released it in all its today. If your Twitter feed has been even worse than usual, now you know why.
So like, what exactly does this memo say? To the extent that this dumbfuck memo important document asserts anything, these are the main points:
- In seeking FISA warrants to surveil Trump campaign aid Carter Page, the FBI and DOJ did not disclose to the FISC (the court responsible for issuing FISA warrants) that Chris Steele’s famous dossier (the one that talks about the pee tape) was partially funded by the DNC.
- Steele was biased and not credible, both because he had expressed his desire to discredit Trump and had been dismissed as a source by the FBI for speaking to the media, a serious violation for Bureau sources.
- And ANYWAY, even if that didn’t matter, the Steele dossier hadn’t yet been fully corroborated, so it shouldn’t have counted (or something).
- Oh, and those FBI agents were saying mean things about Trump to each other, probably between bouts of sex under a beaming portrait of George W. Bush (no really, the FBI text “scandal” is tacked onto the end, for some reason).
This is all supposed to mean that the FBI was biased against Donald Trump, aka the Republican candidate? Give me a fucking break. If you’ve so much as imagined the concept of marijuana, your computer explodes and agents swarm your house when you try to apply for a job at the FBI. They’re the nation’s top fucking law enforcement agency, the cop-iest of cops, for chrissakes. They’re the most conservative apolitical agency on the planet.
Even if a couple of FBI agents exhibited some kind of “bias” against Trump (wait till they hear that FBI agents are allowed to vote!), could it be because they had good reason to suspect that the Trump camp was up to no good? Consider the following, which Nunes’ memo (nor Nunes himself, I suspect) never bothers to do at any point:
- The FBI has been up Carter Page’s weasley ass since 2013, when they interviewed him after Russian attempts to recruit him as an intelligence agent (God, why does nothing this cool ever happen to me?). Let’s put it this way: if the FBI sees you talking to recruiters from Sarah Lawrence College, and you tell them you want nothing to do with Sarah Lawrence College, and then the FBI catches you taking trips to visit Sarah Lawrence College a few years later, they’re going to… question your intentions, to say the least. The point is, the FBI did not necessarily need the Steele dossier as their only (or even primary) proof that Carter Page needed some good old fashioned survelin’.
- Speaking of the dossier, it was originally paid for by The Washington Free Beacon, a conservative website funded by billionaire and Republican donor Paul Singer. Fusion GPS was hired to in turn hire Steele to dig up dirt on several Republican candidates, and Singer only gave up on the project in May 2016, once it was clear Trump would clinch the nomination. For those keeping count, that means the “DNC funded Steele dossier” was “DNC funded” for a total of like four months.
- While perhaps more pertinent to Page specifically, the dossier itself wasn’t the impetus for the FBI’s probe into Russian ratfucking in our election. That would be a drunken conversation Trump campaign aide George Papadopoulos had with an Australian diplomat, where he let slip that the Trump campaign had major dirt on Hillary and the Democrats. When the leaked DNC emails appeared online, the diplomat helpfully made a phone call to his American counterparts.
So, yeah. If it’s anything at all (and that’s being generous), it’s a reason to reexamine the laws governing FISC/FISA procedures. Otherwise, the memo is nothing. In fact, it’s worse than nothing for Trump: while it will surely fire up his idiot base, those people would gladly follow him off a cliff. To the rest of the country, it’s an extremely petty act of the president bypassing norms and conventions to release a document that contains no information of consequence. Not to mention, by complaining about the methods by which it was obtained and the timing of the corroboration, it doesn’t actually say anything to refute the contents of the Steele dossier. In other words, THE PEE TAPE IS OUT THERE, FOLKS.
May we never speak of this dumb fucking thing ever again.