The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV. So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL. Specifically, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the wrong card, mistakenly announcing La La Land as Best Picture, before quickly correcting course and announcing Moonlight as the actual winner.
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(They also used the wrong picture for a lady who passed away in 2016, which, goddamn guys.)
Of course, along with the expected terrible memes and jokes circulating in response to the gaffe, there’s also an explanation. An explanation we all know to be BULLSHIT, friends. No, Bullworth wasn’t simply handed the wrong card. There’s a conspiracy afoot, and it’s time we got to the bottom of it. Here are some potential explanations for how such a (stupid, inconsequential) monumental fuckup came to pass.
Ryan Gosling Wanted The Spotlight
Ryan Gosling knows better than anyone that no one gives a shit about him if he’s not sporting that annoying, smug, fake “aw shucks” shit-eating grin of his. But guess what’s been making the rounds all day? That’s right, headline after headline about how Gosling’s reaction to the mixup was “perfect” and “A+.” Fuck you, Mouseketeer. Your attempt to supplant the cast and crew of Moonlight’s moment of glory is both racist AND homophobic. Because I say so.
Steve Harvey Is A Vindictive Motherfucker
Steve Harvey is an inexplicably powerful force in media, despite his main contributions consisting of contrived eye-rolls and dating advice that amounts to “ladies be nice to your men.” The internet was very pleased, then, when he announced the wrong winner of the Miss Universe pageant in 2015. It’s not much of a stretch to assume he used his vast influence to make another presenter feel his pain. Plus he’s a fame whore, and people started putting him in memes again. It’s a barely-kept secret in Hollywood that Steve Harvey is a voracious consumer of memes.
Someone At PricewaterhouseCooper Wants To Fuck Emma Stone
As we all know by now, the whole fuckup ensued when Warren Beatty was handed a copy of Emma Stone’s envelope announcing her victory for Best Actress. If you were some nerd working at PwC and you wanted to passive-aggressively convey your interest in Emma Stone, what better way to do so than to use HER card to stage a coup and get her on stage again? I would have done the same thing, TBH. She’s such a fox!
Look, while we know that Steve Bannon has no room in his heart for the Jewish Hollywood Elites, it’s hard to imagine he has any more of a soft spot for The Blacks or The Gays (or The Black Gays, which is kind of a dope band name). Since La La Land is a navel-gazing Hollywood movie ABOUT Hollywood, it would have shocked no one if it won. Is it really that hard to believe that he would use his considerable influence to try to derail the proceedings? I definitely don’t think so.
I think we can all agree that Beyoncé should have won Best Picture anyway, so the whole thing was a sham, if you think about it.
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