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Friends, lovers, betches: One of our nation’s great institutions is under attack. No, not inconsequential shit like women’s rights, healthcare, our reputation in the world, the environment, the economy, our nuclear defenses, voting rights, or the safety and security of minorities.
I’m talking about the real shit—fucking yoga pants.
Kellyanne Conway is the straw-haired, dead-eyed succubus weirdly (and irresponsibly) humanized by SNL who wormed her way into the president’s ear and brain, not unlike the way an amoeba would when swimming in dirty water. And because subtlety and class are the provenance of faggy libtards, she wore this to Donald Trump’s inauguration:
She caught a lot of flack on social media, which she should have, because she looked goddamn ridiculous, like if Paddington Bear was auditioning to be an extra in Hamilton. Michael Wolff (inexplicably) brought this up in his interview with Conway for The Hollywood Reporter, and instead of her usual “lie-lie-lie-PIVOT” tactic she uses when confronted with facts she doesn’t like, she said this:
“sorry to offend the black-stretch-pants women of America with a little color.” Conway is referring, of course, to the $3,600 red, white and blue Gucci military-style coat — meant to signify the Donald Trump revolution — that she wore, accompanied by her husband and four children, to the Jan. 20 inaugural ceremonies.
For one thing, charging someone $3,600 for that monstrosity sounds like a crime until you consider the kind of flag-humping sucker that would buy it. Secondly, what the fuck, Kellyanne?
There are two ways to see this very mild burn. One is that it’s directed at the kind of latte-sipping, yoga-practicing young woman scattered as far as the eye can see in and around our nation’s capital. We all know that DC just isn’t as stylish as New York [wanking motion], and Kellyanne (who’s spent her whole career here hiding under staircases and licking people’s boots) would know this as well as anyone.
But the other, much more salacious and biased-in-a-way-that-fits-my-worldview takeaway is that she’s throwing shade at fat people, i.e. her boss’s supporters. I mean, what if these yoga pants are all that fits them right now? It’s a distinct possibility when butter’s not a carb, but a food group.
Of course, none of this matters. Soon Congress will make having an empty uterus illegal, or Trump will tweet a picture of his dick to the Queen of England, and we’ll all forget that it ever happened.
But stay woke, Betches. Need we remind you, your right to wear yoga pants has long been under attack:
Christian Blogger Declares Yoga Pants Too Lustful
Don’t Wear Yoga Pants Unless You’re Young And Skinny, Says Irrelevant Man
Montana Lawmaker Wants To Make Yoga Pants Illegal
Washington Post Writer Calls Yoga Pants ‘An Assault On Manners & A Nihilistic Threat’