Head Pro loves to dispense (bad) fashion advice, whether you ask him to or not. Email him at [email protected].
I don’t know if this will come as quite the same shock to you as it did me, but: sometimes, ladies be wearin’ clothes. And, even MORE shocking, sometimes ladies be buying new clothes based on things called “trends.” Oftentimes, these trends are good. But sometimes they’re bad! Sometimes, ladies be wearing trends that defy even the modicum of “logic” applied to the fashion industry. As a self-appointed tastemaker of women’s fashion, these are some of the latest, hottest trends you should stop wearing immediately.
1. Chokers
I want to know who the first girl was who, post-2010, put on a necklace that was too small for her and decided that it was a choker. Do you hear that sound? It’s older millennials calling, and we want our fashion mistakes from the early 2000s back.
2. Cold Shoulder Sweaters
The reason you shouldn’t buy it is literally right there in the name, and yet here we are. I kind of get that, if you have big, broad linebacker shoulders, this gives the appearance of a slimmer silhouette. But then I also get that this gives the appearance of a sweater that has holes in the shoulders, which is what it is. Even off the shoulder sweaters make more sense…
3. Off The Shoulder Sweaters
… but not really. Like, I realize that fashion is cyclical and that in the internet age, shit come around a lot faster than it used to. But can we agree to just leave the 80s in the 80s? Imagine some older, crusty bitch in their 50s who goes on Facebook and writes shit like “GET OVER IT LIBERAL SNOWFLAKES YOU LOST #MAGA.” Those are the people who were wearing off the shoulder sweaters in the 80s.
4. Lace-Up Tops
Oh yeah, are you a hockey player now? Are you gonna pick up a sword and shield and go fight a dragon, Ms. Joan of Arc? We have things called zippers and buttons now. Or even better yet, just wear low-cut tops. That’s a win-win.
Ribbed Lace-Up Top by Forever 21
5. Onesies
Oh man, fuck a onesie. Every time I see or picture a onesie, I picture some dipshit like Meghan Trainor wearing one. (Editor’s Note: I think he means a bodysuit and not like what Rachel wore on her fantasy suite date…smh men.) She may be the worst person alive, so why would you want to jack her style? Plus, you have to take the whole thing off to pee. I’m neither opposed to topless women nor women peeing, and I understand that things like rompers require the same gymnastics. But this is not couture fashion. These are fucking pajamas.
Out From Under Plunging Turtleneck Bodysuit by Urban Outfitters
6. Those Fur-Lined Gucci Slide-On Loafers
Literally everything about that phrase is an abomination. I don’t care if you have the money to buy several pairs of $1,000 shoes that look like you stepped in roadkill, Gucci anything should not be worn by anyone under the age of 60. I’m sorry, but you can’t grow up in the 2000s, when every poor jackass had a Louis, Gucci, or Fendi knockoff bag and still aspire to wear one of those brands. Guys may not pay much attention to what you’re wearing, but I guarantee he’ll think you’re a psycho if you show up to a first date wearing these.
Princetown Slipper by Gucci (duh)
There. Now that I’ve solved that, the world is officially problem-free.
Head Pro loves to dispense (bad) fashion advice, whether you ask him to or not. Email him at [email protected].
