Joe Jonas Is Forcing His GF Sophie Turner To Tell Everyone He’s Good In Bed

By The Head Pro | April 17, 2017
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In the late 90s and early 2000s, the Jonas Brothers achieved shocking levels of fame via two means: mediocre-but-catchy pop bangers implicitly about sex, and explicitly not talking about sex in public. Their whole “purity ring” schtick won them the stamp of approval from parents who slept soundly knowing that the wholesome young musicians to whom their teenage daughters were masturbating would never do the same thing.

But 15+ years later, how do you resurrect a career when your former fanbase has grown to realize the tingly feelings in their no-no zones were the work of biology, not satan? Little JoBro Nick built a lucrative career writing songs about how he’d totally beat up any guy who looks at you funny (corollary: must be no larger than 5’7″, 150 lbs). Kevin is, and always has been, irrelevant (or so I’m told by my female friends). But middle JoBro Joe? He’s dusting off the old playbook. His band, DNCE, still implies sex in their songs—except now they just couch it in hip millenniulz nonsense innuendo like “cake by the ocean.” As for the not talking about sex in public thing, he’s traded the purity ring for whatever, uh…. this is.

Joe Jonas And Girlfriend

I’ve been staring at this photo of a perpetually 16-year-old Joe Jonas and Sansa Stark for like 2 hours now, and the whole thing is so self-evidently absurd that I’m still struggling to formulate a take. Gay jokes aren’t ok or funny anymore, but between Tim Tebow and now Joe Jonas, his ex-gf Olivia Culpo is quickly earning a reputation of being the Hot Girl Who Dates Guys Who Won’t Fuck. People are going to start asking questions, is all I’m saying. Sophie Turner is now one date with Aaron Rodgers away from being in similar territory.

Also, how does the message written on her hand come into being? Was it her idea, or his? Does he know it’s there? Does she know it’s there? If this was a planned event (and everything is for people grasping at the fringes of A-list status), how did that conversation go?

JOE: Hey Sophie, you know I’m a man’s man who puts the good sex into beautiful females, right?

SANSA: Aye Joseph, yiv told me a many toyms now.

JOE: Right, so… Would you be willing to, uh, communicate that to the world? It’d reinforce that I’m a strong human with powerful male sex organs who does phenomenal whoopie-making on other humans who are attractive because of their soft female reproductive parts. Plus, it would make you seem more “grown up” to your fans.

SANSA: Oy, of carse Joe.

JOE: Why are you Irish now?

SANSA: Oy.

So yeah, I dunno what to make of Joe Jonas being (apparently) so good in the sack that Sophie Turner decided to coyly advertise it on the back of her hand.

You know what? I bet his stupid band has a stupid new single coming out called “Good Good,” and this is all just a publicity ploy. If that’s the case, I’m throwing my computer into the fucking ocean, no cake necessary.

Head Pro gets down to Jonas bros. music, and will sell parts of his body to say so for a small fee. Email him at [email protected].