Because life is essentially a cornucopia of objects we contemplate sticking into our holes, Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest wackadoo vagina treatment is… rocks. Specifically “jade eggs,” which are like normal egg-shaped rocks, only these cost $66 and are sold out.
“Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force. To name a few!”
Those are the alleged benefits according to someone named Shiva Rose, who Goop describes as a “guru/healer/inspiration/friend” in a wholly unnecessary Q&A. That’s an awfully long way to say “unemployed hippie,” but what do I know?
There’s apparently a lot of “ancient Chinese wisdom” behind these vagina rocks which, newsflash, is the easiest way to tell when someone’s entirely full of shit. The ancient Chinese knew fuck-all about medicine. If sticking needles in your skin or doing that weird “cupping” thing were so good for you, people back then probably would have had an average life expectancy north of 30. Also, this Shiva Rose woman has a pretty “rosy” view of being a concubine:
“My imagination goes a little nuts, imagining these concubines in ancient Chinese temples, secretly running the country through the jade eggs! It’s funny, that the eggs started as a way to please the emperors and they turned out to be so empowering for any woman who used them—kept them feeling and looking youthful, connected them to their inner power.”
Haha, yep, those ladies were super empowered and were really running things, and in no way were slightly more dignified sex slaves! I’ve seen Marco Polo on Netflix; I know how this shit worked.
As I mentioned, because people are gullible idiots, both the Jade Egg ($66) and the Rose Quartz Egg (a steal at $55) are sold out. If you want a beefy, strong vagina, kegel exercises are free. And if you want something inside you while you strengthen your ladyparts, might I recommend a penis, or literally anything that is not a rock?
Word on the street is that if you combine the rocks with Gwyneth’s earlier vaj-steaming treatments, your vagina develops superpowers and becomes a portal to a parallel dimension where Kim Kardashian manages an Arby’s.
Head Pro honestly doesn’t care what you put in your vagina because he is very pro-choice (that’s what that means, right?). He can be reached at [email protected].