Girls, the time for Netflix and chill hibernation is slowly creeping to an end, so we might as well see what’s coming to Netflix in March. Sure, mid-July is prime time for escaping the heat and catching up on shows, and obviously winter sucks donkey dick. But spring? Spring is a time for rooftop day drinking, playing hooky from work (to day drink), and for white people to get some sun on our pasty asses (so we look good day drinking). Come April, there should be nary a soul holed up inside bingeing Chef’s Table or whatever the fuck.
That’s why March is really your last chance to get in some by-God, depressingly antisocial TV time. That probably also why all the new shit coming to Netflix in March 2018 is utter dreck—hell, by the end of the month, half of it’s fucking anime shows. Give them this, they know their audience, because those are the only people I can picture opting to watch TV when there’s baseball and sundresses and kegs to be found outside. That said, there are a few gems coming this month that you might want to catch before you succumb to the siren call of spring.
‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry’
They could have shortened the title of this movie to No Homo, and it still would have been accurate. Basically, Adam Sandler and the Scientology lady’s TV husband have to pretend to be gay so they can get gay married or whatever? I’m not sure, but I bet it’s a laugh riot. If nothing else, watch it to see just how much social progress America has made in such a short time. For me, I think it’s great background noise to have on when I’m converting my AR-15 to fire in full-auto mode.
All Three ‘Cruel Intentions’ Movies
I remember remember seeing Cruel Intentions and deciding that acting like Ryan Phillippe’s character was the key to success with women. I was also an idiot and lacked Ryan Phillippe’s looks, charm, money, and being-a-fictional-character-ness, which is probably why I was a virgin way longer than I could have been. This movie is mostly famous for the kiss scene between Buffy and Selma Blair, which in the pre-internet porn times was the stuff that teenage boys’ wet dreams were made of. God, I could watch Sarah Michelle Gellar make out with a shoe. Which isn’t much different than watching her make out with Selma Blair, if you think about it. Oh, and I’ve never seen the other two. No one has, not even the actors who made them. They’re all coming to Netflix in March because they were very cheap to acquire, you see.
‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’: The Eighteenth Year
You know what? With all due respect, fuck this show. I know the first, oh, 10-12 seasons or so were great, and it’s helped millions of us survive countless hungover weekends, but it’s needed to end for a while now. They never figured out a non-annoying romantic side plot for Benson. All the good people are gone except for Ice-T. Benson isn’t even a detective anymore, and instead runs around screaming, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A VICTIM” when someone’s just like, “yeah cool lady, I was just trying to get something from the vending machine.” The plots are all over the place now, and having the audacity to say “The Eighteenth YEAR” instead of “season” is the icing on the cake. What, does L&O: SVU secretly go to UVA?
Both ‘Ghostbusters’ Movies
If your only exposure to the Ghostbusters franchise was the wailing and gnashing of neckbearded teeth over the all-women remake a couple years ago, my apologies. The original is a comedy classic (who doesn’t like Bill Murray?), and the effects hold up well enough to not distract viewers in 2018. The second one isn’t nearly as good as the first, but it’s still better than the silly remake because YEAH OK IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE FEMALES GASJSHDHLDSHJLBFLRUUDA .
‘Jessica Jones’: Season 2
Speaking of girl stuff, season 2 of Marvel’s acclaimed Jessica Jones is finally here. She’s a superhero who’s also a woman. That’s all you needed to know and you’re hooked now, right? Fine, ok: Krysten Ritter plays the titular character, a sassy, alcoholic private detective who also happens to have super powers she’s reluctant to use. Actually, come to think about it, Jessica Jones might be the betchiest character on TV—replace “private detective” with “Instagram stalker,” and “super powers” with “her own credit card instead of her dad’s,” and you’ve just described like 80% of Betches’ audience. Anyway, the show is very good and you should watch it.
’50 First Dates’
I’ve heard this movie described as the story of an unlikeable idiot taking advantage of someone with severe cognitive impairments. That’s true I guess, but at the same time it’s also the story of Adam Sandler repeatedly taking Drew Barrymore on dates because she has amnesia.
‘Wet Hot American Summer’
This cult classic is so good that it inspired not one, but TWO incredibly unfunny TV series: First was Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, which took most of the cast of the movie and asked them to play the same characters 14 years later, except everything in this happens before the events of the movie. Then came last year’s Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later, which I haven’t seen yet but at least sounds like a stronger premise. You probably don’t need to watch either of those, because the movie is fine on its own. You get to see a lot of today’s mega-stars (Paul Rudd, Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Amy Poehler) before they hit it big, and that’s half the fun. 10 years from now, we’ll post an article called “Coming To Netflix In March: Wet Hot American Summer—All The Actors Are Dead.”
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (7)