Why Long Distance Relationships Are A Complete Waste Of Time

Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy about 4 years ago in college and we made out a few times then I faded it out slowly because I was on and off with my ex.  A few weeks later, he’s dating this girl I kind of know.  Fast forward 4 years and they broke up.  The thing is, I live in Chicago and he lives in LA.  I visit LA a lot for work and we have a lot of mutual friends who live there.

We met up (through him making the effort) a few months ago and spent basically the whole time I was there together (4 days).  I slept over every night, he was incredibly sweet and bought my friends all drinks the entire time, and he wanted to get dinner but I was busy each day because of work.  He kept saying how much he liked me, but when I left there was virtually no communication besides a random Snapchat here or there.  I went back for another work trip recently (a few months later) but was able to stay through the weekend this time.  We hung out again the whole time and he did take me to dinner once.  He continued to say how much he liked me and a few times was like “we should go to this place sometime” and make those sort of in the future plans.  He continued to want to know details about my life and seem super interested.

After I left all communication ceased again and he didn’t make any effort to even ask when I’d be back for work. Was the whole liking me thing mostly bullshit and he was just looking for a fun weekend if it was convenient?  I’m assuming yes but thought I’d get a second opinion so I can stop thinking about it for good.


So, fortunately (or unfortunately?) for you, this doesn’t sound to me like a smash-n-dash job—he’s putting in too much effort and seems to be having too good a time for it to be that. Frustratingly enough, I think instead you’re dealing with a guy who genuinely likes you, but who also understands the dead-end nature of LDRs. He’s enjoying life as it comes but not bothering to get too invested outside of that. Many people are saying that this man is very smart!

Is this good or bad? Depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, being liked is a nice thing! It’s like, at least twice as good as being unliked, not that I would know because literally no one has ever disliked me. It’s also maybe comforting, in a way, to know that you’re probably more to him than just a sausage wallet.

Then again, if you’re super into him and were only pretending to want him to be over it so that you could dismiss him and move on, sorry? Unrequited love is kind of shitty, but not any shittier than willfully living in Chicago, so I think you can handle it.


Head Pro,

I need help. (Obviously). My boyfriend and I have been dating over two years. We lived together for a few months early on in the relationship, which didn’t end well. I ended up cheating and wanted to break things off.. which I proceeded to do, and I moved out of our house. After a few months we got back together and he never wanted to give up on our relationship.. during the break I did hang out with other guys, and I think if he knew this it would crush him.. I can’t decide if I was just bored because he travels so much or if he really just isn’t the one for me OR maybe I have commitment issues. He talks about marriage a lot (as he is 5 years older). He is even willing to follow me if I plant roots somewhere else. I know the that popping the question is hiding around some corner that I will cross paths with very soon. HELP.

Am I the boy in the relationship? HAHA

HAHA boys, we be cheatin’ amirite?!? There’s a lot to unpack in this (mercifully short) email, but I think the important thing is that your boyfriend is a giant choad and I’m not really surprised you cheated on him. I’m also not surprised that despite cheating on him, moving out, dumping him and fucking around for a few months, he still came crawling back to you. I just made homemade chicken stock, and the poor dead bird had more of a spine than your perpetually self-owning boyfriend. The fact that he’s 5 years older than you shouldn’t matter, but it definitely feels like it does. You must be able to do some crazy shit with your tongue and/or make a damn fine chicken stock.

Anyway, I guess you have to ask yourself if you went back to him 1) because you felt in your heart it was the right thing to do, 2) because all of a sudden being single feels like skydiving without a parachute or 3) because it was easier to just give in and get back with him. I have a feeling the answer is a lot closer to 2 or 3 than 1; in which case, strongly consider backing out now before you move back in together and/or he pops the question.

But if it’s 1, enjoy your nuptials, and I guess also enjoy getting caught fucking his best man in the hotel kitchen walk-in at your reception. Trust me, subsequent betrayals never hurt as badly as the first one. He’ll be fine, and may even apologize to you, somehow.

Panic At The Disco

Hi Help!

I’ve been talking to this guy every day since we met about 3 months ago through a mutual friend.  The only problem is that he lives in New Jersey and I live in Boston.  We see each other as much as we can.  It has been hard with weddings/vacations we had planned before we met but he’ll even drive up during the week for the night when he can just to spend a few hours together.

I really like him and I think he likes me too (I have met his family and friends) the only problem is obviously the distance and the fact that we haven’t really talked about what we are doing.  I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else and I don’t want to.  Just not sure how to broach the subject / why he hasn’t.

Long Distance Disaster?

Well shit, this again. See the response to the first question: he’s not broaching the subject because there is no realistic way for a LDR to end in anything but pain. You’re not high schoolers trying to weather the long summer apart at different sleepaway camps, you’re adults with adult lives and there’s barely enough time to make a regular relationship work, let alone a LD one. He’d be crazy to say “hey, I know we rarely talk and see each other even less often, but I’d like to exclusively commit myself to being your boyfriend.” Christ, he could just join a seminary if that’s the route he wanted to take.

Unlike the first letter writer, there’s another, more pernicious motivation you have to consider: what if he’s just being nice to you to have any excuse to leave the state of New Jersey? Really makes you think…

Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.