Just five short weeks ago, Peter’s season of The Bachelor ended. There were highs, there were lows, there was Barb—and during every commercial break ABC never failed to shove their newest blight upon humanity down our throats: Listen to Your Heart. The show is supposed to be a truly unhinged mix between The Voice and Bachelor in Paradise with musically talented singles pairing up to sing duets, fall in love, and troll Jed Wyatt one more time. If you had told me five weeks ago that I would have willingly subscribed to one more reality TV monstrosity taking over my life I would have laughed at you. But now that I’ve lost all semblance of time and the highlight of my day is taking my dog out to sh*t, I’m starting to change my tune. In fact, I’m starting to think Mike Fleiss might have orchestrated this entire pandemic to force us all into watching this second-rate Bachelor knock-off that no one would have watched had we not been legally ordered to stay in our homes. Mark my words, it’s going to come out in a few months that his least favorite ABC intern ate that bat in Wuhan. Now then, let’s see what this show is all about, shall we?
Things do not start off strong. Chris Harrison stands outside of what appears to be an off-brand Bachelor Mansion. I can tell it’s not the mansion we know and love, because the decor suggests the interior designer had an alarming amount of coupons at Urban Outfitters to spend, and the original Bachelor Mansion would never.
Did he…? Did he just… compare these wannabe musicians to the iconic talent that is BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA?? DID HE?! Chris Harrison is like “this show is just like A Star is Born!” and it’s like, you do know that someone dies at the end of that movie right, Chris? Though I have a feeling bloodshed is encouraged in all facets of this franchise.
Like any other Bachelor season, we’re treated to a sneak peak of the contestants before they arrive at the house. I appreciate this because, while normally I would have done my homework and already had a detailed record of every contestant’s age, date of birth, and AOL screen name, as well as photographic evidence of the face they were born with, I’m going into Listen to Your Heart completely blind. Here are my first impressions:
⭐︎ Bri says she’s from Utah and she looks like the sort to have orchestrated her escape from some religious farm by bargaining with Mike Fliess to appear on this show.
⭐︎ Is Sheridan sponsored by Subaru? Is this a commercial?
⭐︎ Savannah is a yoga instructor and the more she talks about her chakra, the more I worry it’s telling her to set her ex’s house on fire. She has that energy to her.
⭐︎ Trevor looks like he was grown in the bowels of ABC studios as a slightly altered version of Jed. If his resume suddenly includes “dog food jingle writer” we’ll know what’s up.
As I watch so much bright, hopeful energy bound across my screen, I can’t help but wonder what the rules are here. Are there limo entrances? And if so, for what purpose? Will contestants need to impress Chris Harrison with their unique rendition of the “Cupid Shuffle” to obtain entry into the house? And once they’re in the house, is it just one big free-for-all? WHAT ARE THE RULES!!
Jamie hops out of the limo first, and I immediately hate her. She says that music is her love language and she says that like a person who definitely has that phrase tattooed in sanskrit down her spine. Christ.
After Jamie we meet Matt, whose most distinguishing personality trait is that he has a beard. I already hate him when he tries to pretend like he’s never heard of The Bachelor. Oh really, Matthew? You’ve NEVER heard of one of the most popular reality dating franchises to ever exist? What’s next? You’re going to tell us that you think Stagecoach is a “music festival” and not a Bachelor-sponsored orgy?
MATT: I want to say that’s Chris… Hemsworth?
Inside the mansion, Jamie is immediately drawn to what appears to be a perfect human rendering of my Edward Cullen fanfic. To really hammer this point home for me, Edward Cullen (aka Ryan) tells Jamie that he once had brain surgery but “it was awesome.” To clarify, the question was “what’s something really good about your childhood?” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you could have just talked about the one time you learned how to backflip at the neighborhood pool, but okay Ryan.
MICHAEL TODD: I just want to make some really good music
Yeah, said every failed musician ever.
Wowwww. I didn’t even know I could feel things anymore after living in this vast wasteland of quarantine, but I am feeling SO MUCH rage for Michael Todd. He’s made me feel alive again. Bravo, Michael.
Chris Harrison comes out and I’m expecting him to tell us the rules. Like, what are they winning? An engagement? A music deal? Just an STD? We aren’t given any clarity. Instead we’re told that the girls must each choose a guy during the next rose ceremony (we aren’t told when said rose ceremony will take place) and if a guy isn’t chosen, he’ll be going home. So I feel like this premise is basically the same as Bachelor in Paradise except they’re also going to make our ears bleed in the process. Got it.
I’m genuinely shocked that not only is Sheridan here, but he’s actually making a connection with a human woman. When I saw his audition for a Subaru commercial earlier I thought FOR SURE this guy and his hat collection would not make it past night one, but I should have known there would be a Julia. There’s always one.
Julia tells us that when she’s not pursuing her music career, she’s running a non-profit she started from scratch! Oh, in her spare time she just runs a non-profit? In my spare time I try to dissect where it all went wrong for the Olsen Twins one paparazzi shot at a time, but we all have our thing I suppose. That’s so very chill, Julia!
JULIA: *talks about her non-profit*
ME: *shovels chips into my mouth*
Now that Chris Harrison is officially off the premises, locked in for the night at his own mansion, sipping margs and watching a slideshow of his best headshots, the mansion has completely surrendered to anarchy and mob rule. Matt and Rudi are running around in swimsuits, beelining for the hot tub ON NIGHT ONE. This isn’t spring break at Panama City Beach, kids! This is the goddamn Bachelor. Show some respect.
Meanwhile, Jamie ditches Edward Cullen to entertain the Jed Wyatt look alike, Trevor, in the hot tub. By my count, we’re only an hour into the episode and already TWO COUPLES have fornicated in the hot tub. What am I watching here?? Aren’t they supposed to be seeing if these people are compatible with them musically too? When Chris Harrison suggested you guys test out each other’s vocals he didn’t mean in the bedrooms, you pervs!
TREVOR: Jamie and I have a lot in common… musically.
If by “musically” you mean the two of you now have the same strand of chlamydia, then yes I believe you do have a lot in common, Trev!
Ryan And Jamie’s Date
Edward Cullen gets the first date card of the show and asks Jamie to go out with him, not knowing that mere hours beforehand she was on her way to earning herself a full-blown yeast infection in the hot tub with Trevor. Poor Eddie.
For their date they get to work with John Mayer’s music producer, and Jamie is acting like the only microphone she’s ever been in front of is the one at Ruby Tuesday’s karaoke night. Actually, I’d like to see her resume, please. What exactly qualifies her to be on this show? Lip syncing to Kylie Jenner’s rendition of “Rise and Shine” on TikTok doesn’t make you a musician, sweetie!
Okay, wow. I was honestly not expecting to witness any decent singing on this show, but I’m blown away by Edward Cullen’s voice. Dare I say I’m rooting for the guy? I hate that I’m acknowledging that any of these sycophants Mike Fliess found on the streets of LA might actually have a speck of talent, but damn. That boy can sing.
Meanwhile, Jamie is struggling. You can tell she’s surprised they’re expected to do things like hit musical notes or perform in front of industry legends. She already said music was her love language, what other proof do we need from her that she’s a star!! Luckily for her, her date is a human cinnamon roll and he offers to change the key to better suit her voice. Is this what love is?
Matt And Mel’s Date
Matt gets the second date card of the week and has to choose between a girl who visibly shuddered and tried to drown herself in a vat of boiling chlorinated water rather than kiss him, or Mel. He goes with Mel. Honestly, I’m worried for him. When Rudi finds out he ditched her for the date, she’s LIVID. So livid that I’m wondering if she is about to pull some basic bitchcraft and curse Matt to eternal damnation.
RUDI: I curse you and your beard, Matt! May you and your future lineage never know love and may your biggest success be as a cruise ship performer from now until the darkness claims you!
PRODUCERS: What if we just send them to a Plain White T’s concert and make them share a hay bale with complete strangers?
RUDI: That will work too.
I don’t know if it’s the witch’s curse or the fact that Mel is unable to show human emotion, but I’m not seeing any sparks between these two. I will say the editing is PHENOMENAL. As Matt and Mel sway together on a hay bale, the cameras cut to Moody Rudi who is having a full-on mental breakdown in front of a mirror. Who knew that during middle school sleepovers the face I used to see in the mirror after chanting “Bloody Mary” three times was actually Rudi’s? Crazy.
The Rose Ceremony
You can really tell everything about the caliber of these contestants just from their first rose ceremony attire. There is more animal print in this room than in the entire Tiger King documentary, and I’m seeing more of Rudi’s asscheeks than I ever asked for. Meanwhile, Trevor is wearing a corduroy jacket he got at the Gap 10 years ago. TO A ROSE CEREMONY. Is nothing sacred to you people??
Chris Harrison tells the group that they need to figure out where the connection lies between each of them, and once again it’s unclear as to whether he means musically or sexually. Which head do they need to be thinking with, Chris? They need clarity!
No one is more torn this rose ceremony than Julia. On the one hand, she’s very sexually attracted to the guy everyone in the house refers to as the “jacked-up Mr. Clean.” But, on the other hand, there’s Sheridan and his hats. How’s a girl to choose??
Okay, YES. This is the confrontation I’ve been thirsting for to fill the Barb-sized hole left in my heart from last season of The Bachelor. Matt realizes that Mel is more sexually attracted to a sandwich than she is to him and so he sets his sights on Rudi again. Little does he know, Rudi is unhinged. I mean, the girl considers a cheetah print romper WITH CUTOUTS formal attire. What did he expect?
MATT: This is getting to be way too much.
Honestly, Matt, you need to f*cking RUN.
Matt’s like, “I feel like I just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson”. HAHAHAHAHA. Look, if that’s not the foundation of a beautiful relationship then idk what is, Mattie!
Jamie is still torn between Trevor and Edward Cullen. On the one hand, Edward is talented, kind, and willing to compromise musically with her. On the other hand, she has Trevor, who would probably look really good on her Instagram. What a pickle she’s in.
Okay, WOW. She has not one, but two guys serenading her with John Mayer songs? Is John Mayer getting a cut of this episode? Also, Ryan is CLEARLY the better John Mayer, Jamie! Get your head out of your ass and just pick him already!
And that brings us to the rose ceremony. It goes as such:
⭐︎ Savannah picks Brandon
⭐︎ Mel picks Gabe
⭐︎ Bekah picks Danny
⭐︎ Bri picks Chris
⭐︎ Cheyenne picks Matt
⭐︎ Julia picks Sheridan
⭐︎ Jamie picks Trevor… booooooo
⭐︎ Moody Rudi picks…. Ryan!!!!!
And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if any rules of the show will finally be revealed or if the contestants will continue living in this state of utter anarchy. At this point I’m thinking there’s a better chance of the hot tub spreading a staph infection to the entire cast than us getting any clarity. Sighs. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (4); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @listentoyourheartabc /Instagram (1)