Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode at @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
So I wasn’t planning on watching “The Singing Bachelor,” but a pandemic happened and here we are with a preview for a show I know very little about. I watched the trailer and they don’t even explain it. They’re like, “Trust us, we’re the monsters that created The Fantasy Suite.” And honestly, I’m going to go with them on that. It does seem to take elements of The Bachelor and mash them up with American Idol. So I’m cool with that too. Especially since they showed JoJo in some sort of Paula Abdul role, and I could hear that JoJo took a dump in the street and I’d ask what comfy sweater she went with.
Here’s how my preview works: ABC does bios for every contestant and I dissect each one based off of the very little information they have given. The biggest difference from The Bachelor/Bachelorette are the ages. They range from 21 to 38. Yes, I said 38. When I do these for The Bachelor there’s less at stake. They’re young and you’re always thinking, “Who cares if a 23-year-old goes on TV for love!! They’ll be doing hair tutorials in six months!” But with this show, after reading some of these contestant bios, you start feeling like this is their last shot at making it in music. You’ll read them like you’re their family member on Family Feud after hearing them give a dumb answer. You’re like, “OK OK. WEDDING SINGER WHO WILL PURSUE THIS PASSION NO MATTER WHAT FINANCIAL HARDSHIPS ARE COMING!! OK OK!!! GOOD ANSWER!!”
So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season!
Bekah is a 25-year-old musical theatre nerd who has never been on a date. Women are always ready to tell you which character they’ve written for themselves in the rom-com of life. Go ask any girl their name and they’re like, “I’m Rachel and I’ve never been in a relationship and I eat carrots but never with hummus because it makes me gassy.” And you’re like, “Cool, well it was nice to meet you Rachel… I guess we’ll hold off on the mezze plate.” Like, I don’t even know why we need to know Bekah has never been on a date. Would she not know what to do?! Would she get to a wine bar and start chugging from the bottle and then be like, “Oh that’s not how it goes?! Do we get married soon?!” I think Bekah is going to be fine, but in the musical theatre way where she hooks up with the one guy we all think is gay.
Brandon is a former Marine who once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. It’s gotta suck to go into music after having fought in a war. Like, that conversation with Jason Derulo before the concert must have been awkward.
Jason Derulo: “Hey man! What is your opening song about?!”
Marine Brandon: “Well it’s about Frank. He died for our country while battling PTSD. What will you be doing?”
Jason: “Cool. I’m going to take my shirt off and repeat my own name a bunch.”
Bri is a 28-year-old aspiring pop star from Utah. I don’t mean to be the Simon Cowell of this show, but cmon. “Pop” starts with teenage girls and moves its way up to the mainstream. Your mom JUST stopped calling her, “Ariana Grande Mocha Latte.” I’m not sure what teenage girl is going to want to hear songs about taking an Uber home early from a Mexican restaurant because the beans made you feel bloated and work took away the 401(k) match.
Cheyenne is a 23-year-old aspiring R&B singer from LA. Cheyenne’s bio says “at 8 years old, she started singing in the children’s church choir and fell in love with music.” I feel like this is the story of every pop star. Like, we’ve all seen the home video footage of Beyoncé and Katy Perry next to a preacher doing a solo. Is this part of the church pitch?! Are they like, “Come to our church!! We’ve got comfy pews and your daughter is going to learn about pitch. And if she doesn’t, she’s going to learn about the devil and how much he hates a flat note!”
Chris is a 30-year-old wedding singer from LA whose bio says, “After losing his father, Chris has been motivated to pursue his passion of having a music career, no matter the cost.” This is where this show might get sad. Is this how we’re going to spend a Monday night during a pandemic?! As if the world isn’t sad enough, now we get to watch an orphaned 30-year-old get told by a former Bachelor contestant that they’re pursuing a lie and nobody loves them. There’s no way to make a future of singing “Shout” at a wedding in Orange County sound positive.
I saw Danny’s face and I hated him right away. Then his bio said he has over a million followers online “but he hasn’t been able to find the one who will follow back his heart” and everything made sense. He’s got “too many TikTok followers” face.
That statement is also a lie. He can find someone. He’s out in social situations every night and he has hundreds of DMs. He just doesn’t want to find someone. He wants 2 million followers, not a girl who makes him look up from his phone. Also, the answer to “I have a million followers but how do I find love?!” Isn’t “Go on a dating show that’s kind of a music show and it’s all really confusing but you’ll probably sing a duet with a girl while she’s crying.”
Gabe is a 28-year-old soul/folk singer from Houston who is an active member of the Christian Ministry. Active church membership seems to be a huge part of the casting for this show. The church has always played a weird part in The Bachelor, and they were probably like, “What group is most likely to believe that a song is the magic spell to give them love?!” And then they put fliers at every church in a town that still elects a prom queen.
Jack is 38!!! You remember your dad at 38. You’d remember him saying, “Hey kids! I’m going to do a music competition to find a wife! I’ll be back in a month.”
His bio literally says, “You can find this single dad playing live most nights to support his 3-year-old son.” I mean, my god. These bios are starting to read more like a GoFundMe than a fun dating and music show. I’m waiting for one to be like, “This father of four lost his wife in a freak accident during a duet at a town fair. Will someone look to get freaky with our soulful singer?!”
Jamie is a 21-year-old pop/country singer who claims she went on 100 dates last year and her favorite food is margaritas (I’m not making this up). This show is actually mean. At some point Jamie is going to talk about how hard she works when she spent a third of the year on dates where she said, “Don’t threaten me with a good time!” before sucking down a comically large margarita. Someone living out of the back of a truck so that they can make music might be watching this show. It’s almost like someone created this as an intervention to make their loved one quit music. Jamie will be like, “Hi! My favorite food is margaritas and I have a deal with a record label!” And one of the other contestants will drop their guitar and pick up one of those accountant visors and disappear into the woods.
Josh is a 31-year-old pop/country singer who left his job as a police officer and got a divorce from his wife of eight years. He then pursued music in Nashville where he earned the nickname “The Singing Uber Driver.” I think that’s the biggest bullet dodge in relationship history. Like, imagine his ex-wife telling friends that story; “Yup, Josh left me! And I heard he’s some sort of singing Uber driver now! I was going to have kids with that guy! I could’ve been with an idiot who sings Christina Aguilera to drunk girls in a Toyota Camry!” Then they all clink glasses and hug a picture of their banker husband really tight.
Julia is a 27-year-old pop singer from Pennsylvania who “struggled with cystic fibrosis throughout her life but because of recent breakthroughs in medicine, Julia’s health has stabilized and as a result, she has a second chance at life, music and love.” How is this the first time I’m finding out about this scientific breakthrough?! I’ve heard of cystic fibrosis my whole life, and it took a new version of The Bachelor for me to find out we’re having breakthroughs?! Is this how I’m finding out about the coronavirus vaccine? I’ll be reading the bios for some new version of Survivor when all of the sudden it’s like, “Eleanor wouldn’t have been here if not for the coronavirus vaccine they found! Oh ya, go ahead and leave the quarantine! But not before you watch Survivor! Nursing Home Hustlers vs. Spring Break Boozers!
Mariana is a 23-year-old R&B/Pop singer from Dallas, Texas who is on this show to remind us that life isn’t fair and being hot will reign supreme in any competition. Mariana is “What did she just sing? Ya put her through to the next round” hot. She could cough up phlegm after leaving a COVID-19 test and we’d be like, “Oh she’s got that ‘it’ factor. She’s throaty like Janice Joplin.”
Matt is a 32-year-old Neo Soul singer from Encino, California. I have no idea what “Neo Soul” means either but I’ve only ever used the word “Neo” to describe Nazis, and his haircut isn’t helping that. Matt writes music for TV shows, commercials, and sometimes other artists, which means he’s talented. Matt says his longest relationship has been with his beard, so you know he’s good at hooking up without getting into relationships. That’s the thing you say to lightly leave the “What’s your deal?!” conversation with a girl you just had sex with after a gig in a town you never plan on visiting again.
Mel is a 27-year-old indie rock singer from Brooklyn who studied songwriting and performance arts at Berklee College of Music. I think that’s the least “indie rock” thing I’ve ever heard. Like she’d be on stage screaming, “Are you ready to rock?!?! I can’t hear you! I didn’t spend 47k on tuition for this crowd to be a bunch of losers. Are you ready to rock?! Well, get ready for this song based in music theory!! Here we go!!” Then she plays the guitar with one of those carpal tunnel braces on.
Michael Todd (Yes, that’s his name) is a 31-year-old singer-songwriter whose bio says, “After spending time in L.A., he is back in his hometown, where he finds that most people have already settled down.” I’ve never read a bigger lie. Michael Todd didn’t move home at 31 and think, “Wow, I guess everyone is all matched up now! How will I ever find a girlfriend?!” That’s not what he thought. He more likely moved home and thought, “I can’t believe I moved home. I’m 31. Oh god. I shouldn’t have spent so much money on this leather jacket. Maybe nobody will notice. Who am I kidding?! Of course they’re going to notice. I’m working at the only Starbucks in town. I’m going to ask for a name for the cup and they’ll be like “Mike?! From high school? The musician! Right?!” And I’ll have to say, “Yup! It’s actually Michael Todd now! I’m good. Just back home for a bit!” And then they’re going to say, “Are you still doing the music thing?!” And I’ll be like “Ya, here and there. I wore a leather jacket and a tie in my headshot so I came home to recover from that for a bit until I go on this new music and love game show that the producers of The Bachelor created even though nobody asked for it.” And they’ll be like, “Good luck!” and walk out of Starbucks with their wife because everyone in this town is already settled down!!
Natascha is a 33-year-old pop singer from Los Angeles who has two dogs named Solei and Frou Frou. That sounds like a character in a Will Ferrell movie. Like can you imagine going on a first date with someone who is 33 and says they sing pop?! And then they’re like, “Ughh you have to meet my two fur babies, Solei and Frou Frou!” To me, you’d have to be an heiress to some fortune for that story to make any sense. Like, you’d have to introduce me to your two throw pillow dogs and then look up and say, “That’s a painting of my family! My dad invented butter.” And then I’d trust your mental capabilities enough to leave Solei and Frou Frou for the bedroom.
Ruby is a 25-year-old indie pop singer who says she’s “Mississippi to the bone.” What does that mean? You’re last in education? Your bones are made of Mountain Dew? It’s always funny when someone takes a sweeping pride in their state. Sometimes they’ll use their state reputation as an excuse for every bad thing they do. People from New Jersey will puke pasta sauce on a roided-out guy with misspelled tattoos before having public sex and be like, “What?!? Jersey Strong!”
Rudi is a 24-year-old R&B/pop singer who “once waited for her ex-boyfriend to fall asleep, then used his finger to break into his phone (spoiler: receipts were found).” Shouldn’t the relationship end the minute you’re about to use a sleeping person’s finger to check their phone?! Like, let’s say Rudi didn’t find anything. Would she tell her boyfriend the next morning that she’s finding a therapist because she needs to work on her confidence?! That’s not what happens. Rudi would’ve kept looking until she found something so that she’d have a reason to move on from a relationship she wasn’t enjoying. This is what happens when a relationship is your goal. For people like Rudi, the world is either married people, people getting married, or people who can blame someone else for why they aren’t married yet. I could go on, but my girlfriend thinks I’m DMing someone anytime I look at my phone for too long. Aren’t relationships fun?!
Russell is a 26-year-old American folk singer from Indiana who is living in New York and teaching knife throwing and archery. That’s one of those biographies that you’d have to really explain to someone from 20 years ago. Like, “Well, in 2020 we have these guys. And they’re musicians that dress like cobblers from the 1800s. They don’t act like men from that era, though. They’ll openly call themselves feminists and they roll their eyes at white people while saying stuff like, “Ugh white people” even though they’re white. They teach archery and knife throwing. No, there’s no threat of wild animals in New York. This is what people do for fun. So these guys can throw a knife and an axe and shoot a bow and arrow but they don’t eat meat. Ya, 2020 is weird the whole country had to quarantine indefinitely but not everything is different. We still really care about how Britney Spears is doing.”
Ryan is a 28-year-old jazz/funk/pop/R&B singer who “is looking for someone who understands the unique challenges of dating an artist.” This quote can only mean that Ryan is going to be unbearable. He’s going to be the guy who takes that TikTok dance song, “Savage”, and makes it acoustic and then looks at the camera as if he’s the next Bob Dylan. I’m so mad that I’m going to be humming Rastafarian Savage while drinking a spiked seltzer this summer and I also can’t wait. Damn you, Ryan.
Savannah is a 25-year-old acoustic pop singer who “quit her job, packed her bags and moved to Nashville! It’s only been a few months, but she’s bringing the heat to Nashville’s music hot spots.” This statement is REALLY dressing up a pig. I’ve been to Nashville. You’re not playing the hot spots three months into the move. You’re playing a hotel lobby on Broadway during happy hour where a drunk girl at her bachelorette party is screaming that she can’t find the veil that goes with her cowboy hat. Savannah isn’t bringing the heat. She’s living in any normal person’s version of hell.
Sheridan is a 27-year-old R&B/soul pop singer who is visually jarring. If you’re wondering if he’s as hatable as he looks, then check out this quote from his bio: “Aside from playing guitar and working on his vocals, Sheridan enjoys reading about social sciences and diving into holistic remedies.”
Sheridan is the guy you followed on Instagram because he did a cool cover once. Then he’s posting about using tea tree oil as a replacement for Purell three days into a pandemic and you angrily unfollow. I keep imagining Sheridan putting his hair into a ponytail to drive my Uber and getting physically ill. Let’s move on.
Trevor is a 29-year-old country pop singer from LA who made it to the American Idol Top 25 in 2018. That American Idol top 25 DOES NOT get you very far. That was TWO years ago. You’d think that resume item would get you a couple years of touring or a contract with a label. Nope. Trevor still has that golden Hollywood ticket framed on his bedroom wall and he’s like, “So I just have to fake like I’m looking for love and maybe I’ll get enough Instagram followers to quit my day job?!? I’m in!”
Images: Maarten de Boer, Craig Sjodin / ABC