We know, we know, how can we seriously recap an event which consisted of nothing besides our personal icons walking a total of 30 feet to the tunes of the most overplayed songs on the radio. The answer is, fucking easily, this shit was great. We just hope they gave the men in the audience some tissues.
So the show opened and it seemed to be some sort of slutty cirque du soleil situation, mostly because of the random Tony the Tiger in the opening, the only notable absences were Sigfried and Roy. Sure many of the costumes may have looked like they were glued together by Miss Lippy during recess but somehow these girls manage to make literal circus costumes look hot. We don't even really care that most of them can barely speak English, who needs grammar when you can fully count 18 of your ribs? Modeling: the only profession where they need affirmative action for American girls. And okay, we have to say it. Candice, if you're from Africa….why are you whiter than coke?
Ri-Ri's performance: She looked like Audrey Hepburn if Audrey was black and didn't know the difference between diamonds and pearls. Seriously, we just know those sunglasses were chosen for the sole purpose of hiding either 1) the fact that you blazed backstage or 2) you're hiding the brighter than a diamond shiner that CB gifted you before showtime.
Bruno Mars' performance: First, next to these models Bruno looked like the Hobbit. Second, it’s not the least bit ironic that Bruno didn't sing “Just the Way You Are.” That's just not the message tonight.
Bieber's performance: Was dressed like he was about to go jousting, and he still looks like Sam Ronson. There's not much else to report except for the fact that he totally got a boner and subsequently had to be restrained from leering at the models.
One thing we could really do without was the behind-the-scenes “get to know the models” crap. However the interviews are hilarious. “We go all over world. We shoot 10 days for 30 second commercial. Isn't that heelarious? I work with Michael Bay. Who is he? I don't know.”
To be honest, backstage at the VSFS looks horribly claustrophobic and anxiety-ridden. Oh no! Erin's pink top hat fell off! The audience is going to see her natural hair! Hat team ASSEMBLE!!….Thank God our lives are not that stressful.