The great injustice about Trump’s first trial is that no one who wants to be a juror gets to be. And I know, because I desperately want in, but I’m pretty sure I’d fail on the first question. Or at least, I think I would. The jury questionnaire is public, but one thing it doesn’t answer is what it takes to pass. So, we wanted to figure that out.
Now, the real bottleneck with jury selection is that Trump’s legal team is going to find ways to eliminate everyone. To simplify it, we decided to rewrite the questionnaire from their perspective, so they can easily figure out whether or not a juror is “qualified.” To know whether or not you’d get picked as a Trump juror, tally up your score for the following questions:
- How would you describe your income bracket? More specifically, give yourself one point for every thousand dollars you got back under the 2017 Trump tax cuts.
- Have you ever attended a rally or campaign event for Donald Trump? Give yourself 1 point for each event attended. They’re fun, right?
- What publications do you consume unironically? Give yourself 1 point for each of the following:
- Fox News
- Newsmax
- OANN
- Truth Social
- The New York Post
- Any of your uncles’ opinions
- Elon Musk’s X profile
- What are your hobbies and interests? Give yourself 1 point for each of the following:
- Golf
- Florida
- Dining and dashing
- Weeping over the lost lives of the unborn
- Have you read Michael Cohen’s book? If not, give yourself 1 point. If yes, that’s so embarrassing. There are so many books.
- Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been the victim of a crime? Deduct two points if Trump was the one who committed it.
- Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever worked for any company or organization owned or run by Donald Trump?If so, hello and sorry.
- How do you feel about the 19th Amendment? Five points if you don’t like it, 10 points if you don’t know which one it is.
- Deduct 1 point for each anti-Trump organization with which you’re affiliated. And to be clear, these are organizations we consider anti-Trump:
- The DNC
- the Biden Administration
- Hollywood
- Manhattan
- the criminal justice system
- Sororities, in general
- We can’t ask about your demographics, specifically, but blink twice if you would have been allowed to attend Harvard in 1830. Great. That’s two points.
- How many uteri do you have? Deduct one point for each.
- Give yourself one point for each of the following organizations and/or domestic terrorist groups with which you’re affiliated:
- the QAnon movement
- Proud Boys
- Oath Keepers
- Three Percenters
- Boogaloo Boys
- Antifa (actually, for this one, deduct one point, and also, we’re telling the CIA)
- Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation political views, or — MOST importantly — actions? We really don’t want a situation where the jury is judging the defendant by his actions. Give yourself 1 point if you can promise not to let them change your opinion of Trump, assuming that opinion is already positive.
- Can you give us your assurance that you will decide this case solely on the evidence you see and hear in this courtroom and the law as the judge gives it? Deduct 5,000 points if so.
Okay, now add up all your points. Is it over a million? Sorry, you failed, you’re not qualified to be a Trump juror. :/
