Due to that bitch Sandy, we missed a pretty epic Halloween episode of New Girl. Here's a quick summary: Jess works at a haunted house for which she dresses like the zombie version of Woody Allen. Nick is afraid of haunted houses, but he sucks it up and goes inside to tell Jess that her fuck buddy Sam doesn't like her more than she likes him. Unfortunately for her, Nick doesn't recognize Jess in the haunted house and punches her in the face, lol. Then in nice girl form, she actually ASKS Sam to be her boyfriend and is obviously rejected, another big lol. On the side, Winston's girlfriend Kahlua promises him she'll dress sexy for Halloween but shows up as “reigning” cats and dogs in a queen cape decorated with beanie babies, biggest lol. The end. Onto last night's episode…
…Which was weird as fuck. Jess can't pay the bills bills bills so she goes to interview for a job during which starts hysterically crying because her interviewer has a picture of her late little dog sitting in a coffee cup (read: because she
has PMS is a nice girl). Puppppyyyy in a cuppppp!
But fear not, in an extremely realistic twist, Nick tells Jess he believes in her so she goes back for a second interview and, guess what…gets the job! Wow this shit is so real.
During all of this, Nick, on a quest to not be an angry old man, befriends modern day Confucius who takes Nick swimming in a secluded indoor pool. No, you are not going crazy because yes, this was fucking weird. But instead of wondering why any of this shit was happening, we were thinking, “this Asian guy is somebody's dad…”
While those two are off being freaks, Schmidt encounters his own freak, that agent bitch from Entourage, who sexually harasses him at work a la Christian Grey. I really don't know what to say about this except, ew? Butttt we did LOVE that Cece was literally distraught upon finding out that
Steve Jobs her boyfriend thought that she was a nice person. Plus 20 for Cece. (We're opting to omit the part where she kisses Schmidt and then realizes that cheating is bad and that she is a nice person.)
“There's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.”
On Winston's sympathy PMS: “It's like a character in a Judy Bloom novel”
Schmidt: We are gathered here today to celebrate the reemployment of Jessica F. Day
Jess: …Not my middle initial
To Cece: “You're getting your smell on my comforter, it took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell”
Meanwhile, no one gives a shit about Winston.