New Girl Recap: And Now I Guess He’s On Crack

New Girl returned last night swinging in the New Year. Like literally. Jess and her way hotter than her boyfriend, Dr. Sam, travel up to his boss’ cabin, presumably to have hot, steamy Homeland-style sex, minus the terrorist part. Instead, Jess cock-blocks herself and invites Nick and his way hotter than him girlfriend along for a couples get-away. Nick is a cheap bastard and agrees to go so he can free-load off of others like he usually does. -5 Nick.

All of that flannel must have gotten to their heads because they immediately decide shooting shit was the best idea ever, also lesbian vibes were being thrown out there so it couldn'thave been the air, had to have been the flannel. Jess sucks at everything except being awkward so she obviously shoots the electricity pole leaving everyone without power and one thing to do, get fucking drunk. But on absinthe. And if you've ever drank absinthe before you'd know it does not come in huge bottles and doesn't make you hallucinate, not even the european shit. Worm, my ass, it's all the same. I mean maybe I just get drunk very easily and don't realize that I'm hallucinating but whatever, back to the show. So everyone gets so drunk that they get themselves involved in some weird cabin swingers shit, which I’m sure will be the next series coming out on TLC.

Like three seconds later everyone is sober enough to be pissed at each other. I hate how TV shows make a person completely wasted one minute and the next they're well put together and forming real thoughts. If it were me I'd be like undressing in my fridge thinking it was my closet.

Jess to NICK as he arrives at the cabin: “Oh look it’s Jackie O.”

Jess, asking them to pass her the gun: “Give me the boom stick”

Jess to Nick about his girlfriend: “I like Angie, she’s cool. It’s kind of like a riding a poorly maintained carnival ride?”

Nick: “I’m glad you get it.”

Winston & Schmidt

Schmidt gets real about race and is concerned they aren’t letting Winston be his blackest self after he sees Winston rollin' with his homies. We’re like, where is all this race talk coming from? We already know about racial issues, we watch The Bachelor. So Schmidt takes it upon himself to facilitate Winston in “turning on his black switch and letting his black light shine.” Winston, as any smart man would, takes advantage of this marvelous opportunity to fuck with Schmidt and pretends to be all Corner Boy and tells Schmidt that “he could really go for some crack.”  This was an amazing prank and probably one of the most realistic things to happen on this show. Not because he's black, but because we'd do the same.

Schmidt on Winston & his black buddies: “But you were so light and charming, you were like Pixar Winston!”

After the whole racist conversation with Winston asks if Schmidt wants any frozen yogurt and he says “yes, I'll have a vanilla chocolate swirl” 

Schmidt on buying crack: “Well, I guess we can get out and ask any of these street youths.”



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