Lindsay Lohan's New Music Video Is As Weird As You'd Expect

Lindsay Lohan is in kind of a weird place. After being one of the biggest movie stars of the early 2000s, she’s all but been banished to pursue random AF careers in the Middle East. After several years of failed relationships and business ventures (remember her candle line? Neither do I), what does she still have? Tbh, 2019 has been a rough year for her. Her club in Mykonos has closed, she lost her reality show along with it, and she was tragically not cast as Ariel in the live action Little Mermaid, despite her thirsty attempts on Twitter. But now, she’s finally making a return to something she was actually good at once upon a time: music.

Earlier this month, Lindsay Lohan released her first song in over a decade, and it’s kind of a bop. It’s called “Xanax,” which makes sense, because artists are always told to sing about what they know. The track was written with Finnish singer-songwriter ALMA, (who’s low-key one of my favorite artists), who has also co-written most of Miley Cyrus’ recent songs. No, Miley didn’t write “Slide Away” by herself on a yacht in Positano, that’s not how pop music works.

“Xanax” has a slow-burning tropical vibe, and the lyrics seem like they’re ripped straight from Lindsay’s life. She sings about how going out gives her social anxiety, but whoever she’s singing about is like Xanax to her. The lyrics are actually a little heartbreaking, because I tend to forget how much sh*t Lindsay Lohan has gone through in her life. She’s never had a normal life, and she’s obviously kind of f*cked up because of it (as many child stars are). Sadly, Lindsay hasn’t put the song on iTunes or any streaming services, but I would definitely have it on my Sad Boi Fall playlist.

Basically, I’m really vibing with the song, but the music video that Lindsay Lohan posted on IGTV yesterday is… different. First of all, it’s not really a music video. As Lindsay describes it in the caption, it’s “a compilation of vignettes of life.” Okay, so really this has more in common with a bat mitzvah montage than the kind of videos Taylor Swift and Beyoncé are making. She also tagged the wrong ALMA in the caption, because of course. Whatever, she hasn’t done this whole music thing in a long time, so I’ll cut her some slack.

In the bat mitzvah montage, we see random men skateboarding, heavily filtered selfie videos of Lindsay (seriously, that yellow filter is a crime), a still photo of Lindsay with the Ken Burns effect, and a lot of footage of Lindsay shaking hands with with men in suits and women wearing head coverings in a place that looks like a desert. While the whole thing feels really disjointed, I desperately need to know more about these people Lindsay is meeting with in a parking lot. Are these foreign dignitaries? Refugees she’s screamed at? Dictator princes that Lindsay might potentially be dating? I have so many questions.

And then, the video ends with a random man in a hoodie talking about how “Becky is such a bitch.” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHO IS THIS MAN? And who is Becky?? Is this a random TikTok that LiLo thought was funny, or does she know this person? Lindsay, you gotta help us out with this, because I need so much more information. In her IGTV caption, Lindsay spews some bullsh*t about “family, love, the process of moving forward and letting go of the past,” but I really just want to know who all of these people are.

I’m excited to see if Lindsay keeps up with the new music, because I genuinely do like the song. But for the next single, let’s put together an actual music video, k? In any case, here’s the audio version on YouTube, in case you want to listen to the song on repeat, but can’t handle the bizarre visuals of the video.

Welcome back, pop star LiLo, we missed you!

Images: lindsaylohan / Instagram; LindsayLohanVevo / YouTube

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.