Lindsay Lohan has had some major ups and downs in her life, but she’s turned things around—or so she wants us to believe. In a new interview with W magazine, Lindsay paints a sunny, delusional picture of how she’s going to take over the world. If you were a fan of last month’s interview on theWendy Williams Show, this shit is even crazier. This redemption press tour that Lindsay is doing is really giving us a lot of good material, so we hope she does like, seven more interviews before going back to her palace in Dubai.
The interviewer makes a point of saying that Lindsay showed up on time and “without a trace of the vaguely European accent she’s rumored to have adopted.” Aw, no accent today? Sad! Well, at least she was on time—that’s more than I can manage 90% of the time. Things are looking up for Lindsay already.
After Lindsay explains her major life decision to go back to her natural hair color recently (she didn’t like looking like “a white pumpkin with orange roots”), she’s ready to talk about how much she fucking loves Dubai. Apparently we need to drop everything and move there, because Lindsay is actually obsessed with Dubai.
Her favorite thing about Dubai is that there’s no paparazzi, but also that she doesn’t have to live out of boxes anymore (when and why was she doing this?), and also that there are a lot of female activists there (there are?), and okay Lindsay just has a lot of favorite things about Dubai. Lindsay’s new lifestyle is also perfectly compatible with her zodiac sign: “I mean, I’m a Cancer, so I like to go out and then go back into my shell. I don’t bitch about just sitting home and having friends over all the time.” Sounds fun. But probably her most favoritest thing about Dubai is that there are like, so many business opportunities there. It’s 2018, and betch has a brand to build.
Lindsay has many projects that she’s excited about, and first up is her beauty brand. We’re not on Shark Tank or anything, but Lindsay’s product idea is certainly interesting: “I love lipstick, but I love using lipstick as blush. But if I have a cream blush, I want to be able to use it on my lips and not worry about breaking out after. So, I developed one.” Honestly, kudos to Lindsay for working so hard to solve this non-problem; she’s really out here doing the Lord’s work. It’s unclear if this lipstick/blush/whatever-the-fuck will actually work, but she’s going to have stiff competition from the Kylies and Rihannas of the world.
Lindsay’s next exciting product is her upcoming clothing line. Lindsay’s last foray into fashion design was her line of luxe leggings back in 2008 (yikes), but she says that she was too focused on acting at the time to really commit herself. She says her new clothing line is “closer to haute couture.” We’ll see.
As if makeup and clothing weren’t enough, Lindsay also has a line of candles up her sleeve. Yeah, you read that right. This was inspired from one time when she planned a charity walk, and wanted to make candles to light the path. (She probably should have just googled the Light The Night Walk instead.) She also wants to start a foundation to help “in uniting kids and families and giving them a light in their life,” whatever that means. She’s really on a lighting kick. You also can’t forget about her Lohan nightclub in Athens, and the second location that’s opening in Mykonos. On her many projects, Lindsay’s explanation is that her “mind thinks so many things at every second.” Wow. This girl is a fucking mogul!!
But probably the most sadly delusional part of the interview is when Lindsay goes back to talking about acting. She has a couple projects in the works, but she certainly has big aspirations. She talks about how she wants to win an Oscar someday, and she has her speech all planned out: “I’ve been aspiring to come here on the stage like all the Hollywood greats that I’ve looked up to my whole life—the Elizabeth Taylors, the Marlene Dietrichs, the Anne Baxters—and I’m here. Thank you.” Cute, but you have to like, be in some movies first.
She also claims that she’s still good friends with some of her past costars, but it’s not Rachel McAdams or Amanda Seyfried that she’s texting. “I still talk to a lot of actresses that I’ve worked with, especially Jamie Lee Curtis. And Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman; there’s a lot of amazing women that have graced my path and I have been very grateful to work with and just know.” Okay, is this Lindsay’s recent texts or an AARP ad? Also, we seriously doubt Jane Fonda considers Lindsay Lohan a close personal friend.
Lindsay has a lot of delusions about her future in Hollywood, but none of them compare to Batgirl. Acclaimed producer/director Joss Whedon is making a new Batgirl movie soon, and Lindsay wants to be in it like, really fucking bad. She says that she “even considered flying to Los Angeles the other day just to stalk them for Batgirl,” but decided she couldn’t fly to LA without anyone finding out. Yeah, sure, that’s definitely the only flaw in that plan. We love Lindsay, but homegirl needs a serious reality check.
So, Lindsay, if you’re reading this, we have a few words of advice. First of all, touch up your blush with your lipstick, your cheeks are looking a little oily. Second of all, please stop thinking that stalking people in Hollywood is how you’re going to be a top actress again. The world doesn’t work like that, and you don’t need a stalking charge added to your criminal record. Other than that, love ya girlie, keep making those candles!!
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