How You Should Spend Valentine's Day According To Your Zodiac Sign

Ah Valentine’s Day. It happens every year, and yet it still somehow always surprises you. Whether you’ll be celebrating the holiday by posting unnecessary PDA with bae, or spending it commenting “HAPPY NATIONAL SINGLES AWARENESS DAY” on people who post unnecessary PDA with bae, you’re gonna be spending it some way. So why not do it in a way that aligns with what the stars have in store for you? Especially since you let your horoscope dictate every other aspect of your life. Here’s how you should spend Valentine’s Day, according to your zodiac sign.


Single: You’re in luck, single rams. This Valentine’s Day, the stars are aligned for you to meet someone new, but that will require you to leave your apartment (bummer). Spend V-Day checking out local bars with your single girl crew and scouting for hot bartenders. At the very least, you could get some free drinks out of the deal.

In a relationship: Your House of Partnerships is electrified this Valentine’s Day, basically turning you into a commitment freak. You’ll have the most fun celebrating your love by doing something that really lets you enjoy your partner’s company, so opt for an intimate home-cooked meal (or take-out) over a crowded restaurant where you can’t hear anything and every couple nearby is getting engaged. Spare yourself.


Single: Look, being single on Valentine’s Day can be hard, but don’t try to force Valentine’s plans on someone who doesn’t deserve your famous heart-shaped brownies just because society tells you to. Screw society! You’ll have a better day if you lean into your own independence, and spend the day doing sh*t you like solo. Not saying you have to go full Emma Watson and start describing yourself as “self-partnered,” but also it couldn’t hurt?

In a relationship: You’ve been feeling pretty independent lately, which is kind of tough for a holiday that is literally all about being obsessed with another person. Take the pressure off by keeping your Valentine’s plans low-key (dinner at your favorite local place, movie night at home), over things that sound fun in the moment but are ultimately stressful (dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, any activity they do on The Bachelor).


Single: This is a great Valentine’s Day for single Geminis, as your flirty self will be driven toward a deeper love connection. You’re tired of sending the same five emojis to the same five guys, and are looking to move into the “expressing real thoughts and emotions” phase of a relationship. If there’s someone you’ve been feeling particularly drawn to these days, don’t be afraid to reach out. Though maybe don’t reach out on Valentine’s Day. That could be a little much.

In a relationship: You’re willing to take your commitments to the next level this Valentine’s Day, which can be hard for a sign whose wants and desires change approximately every .5 seconds. Use the holiday as an opportunity to show your partner you’re ready to go the distance maybe with a heartfelt note, text, or with the age-old trick of showing up at their house with a dog and being like, “THIS IS OURS NOW!!!”


Single: Take Valentine’s Day into your own hands and use it as a time to finally let go of that “ideal” person you’ve been holding out for, or that ex you’ve been waiting to realize was a f*cking idiot. Perfect people don’t exist, and exes never realize they were a f*cking idiot because they’re f*cking idiots. Use this day to symbolically shed the dead weight, and yes, that does mean deleting their number.

In a Relationship: Is your current relationship serving you? If it is, your heart will let you know. If it isn’t, this Valentine’s Day could be the thing that forces your eyes open, Clockwork Orange style, once and for all. That doesn’t mean your dinner date is going to be an epic disaster, but if you find your eyes wandering to the hot server two tables away, pay attention to what your mind is trying to tell you.


Single: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places, in that you’re looking for people who live near you, when really you’re looking for the Paolo to your Lizzie McGuire. Set your dating app range and start a long-distance correspondence. Preferably with someone rich so they can fly you out to meet them eventually. Like Paolo.

In a Relationship: You want to shake things up this Valentine’s Day, so don’t you dare make a reservation at the restaurant where you had your first date for the third year in a row. You and your partner will have way more fun by going outside your comfort zones and bonding over the experience. Try checking out a new restaurant, skipping town, or heading to the local IKEA and seeing if you can make it to checkout still a couple.


Single: Have you been stuck in a type, Virgo? This Valentine’s Day, open your eyes to the plethora of possibilities the human form can take. If you only date tall guys, open your heart to the short kings of the world. If you only date ripped guys, give the scrawny emo kid in the corner of your coffee shop a chance. (Summer Roberts did, and look how that worked out for her.) And if you only date finance bros, please, for the love of God, try literally anything else.

In a relationship: Release yourself from the need to have a “perfect” Valentine’s Day. Your partner is not a magician, this isn’t a rom-com, and nobody has fun while trying to meet your sky-high standards. Remember, a “successful” Valentine’s Day is one where you and your partner enjoy a meal, don’t fight about that thing you always fight about, and have sex at some point. Anything else and you’re just making it hard on yourself.


Single: All the heart-shaped decor has you ready to go deep with someone you’ve only been casually interested in before now. It could be the candy hearts talking, but it might be time to take a look at your back burner bro (or babe) and see if he/she/they might be worthy of bringing to the front. Provided you haven’t been a complete sh*thead to them up until this point. After all, everybody is somebody’s f*ckboy.

In a relationship: You’re ready to go all out this Valentine’s Day, which is f*cking awesome for anyone lucky enough to be dating you. Lavish gifts, extravagant flowers, impossible dinner reservations are all on the table as you just can’t wait to show your partner (and the world) how f*cking obsessed with them you are. Just be sure to check they can actually take the time off work before splurging on surprise tickets to Bora-Bora.


Single: Don’t despair! Things might feel bleak this Valentine’s Day for single Scorpios, but someone who sparks your interest could be just around the corner. When they pop up, don’t spend your time fretting over whether or not it has long- term potential, just focus on the fun, and whatever relationship develops is the exact one you were meant to have.

In a Relationship: Make sure you let your expectations be known this Valentine’s Day, or you could find yourself disappointed. Valentine’s Day is about both people in the couple, so don’t just sit back and let your partner plan a romantic dinner at Crab Shack when you don’t even f*cking like crabs (and also who wants to have a romantic dinner at Crab Shack?). People aren’t mind-readers, so if you want dinner and a movie, just go ahead and tell them that right now. If you want a flashmob, tell them that too, but also realize that the amount of choreo your family members can learn in 24 hours is limited.


Single: You’re all about the fun part of romance right now, aka meeting new people and deciding whether or not you want to see them naked. Lean into the #singlelyfe by spending Valentine’s Day out on the prowl. Connect with your inner Love Island contestant and just go out there and hit on some people. In a respectful way, of course.

In a relationship: You tend to find Valentine’s Day a little boring, so it’s up to you to inject the fun. Don’t give into the super sappy, super serious bullsh*t that HALLMARK and BIG VALENTINE’S try to push on all of us. Let your Valentine’s Day be silly. Get each other joke gifts. (And also a back up real gift in case the joke gift doesn’t go over so well…)


Single: You’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you want for yourself (total world domination), but what is it that you want in a partner? This Valentine’s Day is your chance to reflect on who you really see in the future Jay-Z to your Beyoncé. Starting with the fact that he won’t cheat on your like Jay-Z did to Beyoncé. Still not over it.

In a relationship: It’s audit time, and I’m not talking about taxes. Is your current relationship helping you grow? If not, it’s time for them to politely GTFO. Valentine’s Day has a way of letting you know which relationships are fleeting, and which can stand the test of time. All we ask is that you wait to end things until after dinner.


Single: You’re not looking for a relationship right now, Aquarius, but your fun, vibrant personality might bring you one anyway. There’s someone out there who has a crush on you (hint: it’s the guy who texts you “good morning” every morning), and it might be time to let them shoot their shot. You already know they have great taste in crushes, which is a pretty good start to a relationship.

In a relationship: Communication is key this Valentine’s Day. You want to go deep with your partner, and should use your Valentine’s Day date to learn more about them. Make sure you’re giving them space to talk at dinner, and never be afraid of asking probing questions like what the meaning of life is, or whether or not Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.


Single: You couldn’t be more ecstatic to have a night out on the town this Valentine’s Day, and tbh you feel bad for all the people who have to go on boring dates. This V-Day, you’ll actually be thriving as your single self, paper hearts and chocolates be damned. Honestly, the whole world is jealous.

In a relationship: Beware of going overboard and putting your partner on a pedestal this Valentine’s Day. It’s always good to make sure you’re both on the same page about holidays like this, so you can avoid awkwardly presenting your partner with a bubblegum sculpture of their own face when they thought you said no gifts.

Images: Laura Ockel / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.