Hi, my name is Arianna Margulis aka @butlikemaybe, and I have been the worst at dating, so you don’t have to be. In my new book, But Like Maybe Don’t? I own up to all of my mistakes, so you can cringe, laugh, and most of all, relate. And with Valentine’s Day coming up, I couldn’t help but admittedly think of all the different types of girl I’ve been over the years on this glorious holiday. Don’t be like me.
1. The IG Perfect Boyfriend Girl
Her relationship is on the rocks, but she can’t and won’t let you know. Sporting her new Michael Kors watch and heart-shaped bouquet of roses, she’s ready to tell the world how HE DID GOOD. Still, nobody will be surprised when they break up less than two weeks later.
2. Still Believes The Flowers Might Come Girl
She stares at the door. She believes somehow he Googled her office address or secretly asked her best friend for it (even though he’s never even met any of her friends). “It’s only 5pm, there’s definitely still time,” she says every hour on the hour, while her hope slowly deflates like a balloon. Nobody has the heart to tell her.
3. Bitter Hallmark Holiday Girl
She rolls her eyes as she enters the candy aisle of CVS. She hopes you choke on your heart-shaped lollipop. Talks a lot about “society” and “capitalism,” but if a giant teddy bear showed up on her doorstep with a box of chocolates, you know she would post that sh*t on her Instagram story right away.
4. Lives For Galentine’s Sh*t Girl
She’s got tickets to the latest rom-com. A dinner reservation at 5pm because that’s all that was left. She can’t wait to post pictures saying how happy she is to finally #loveherself. Secretly, she’s hoping the Instagram likes on the picture of her naked ring finger with an ironic caption will make her feel better about the fact that all her friends had plans with their actual significant others on Valentine’s Day.
5. Too-Soon Girl
Very excited about her new relationship. Too excited. Couldn’t resist the urge to show everyone how happy she is, and sadly the jerk she’s dating will merely pretend he didn’t see it.
6. What Are We? Girl
She’s been dating someone for about a month. They text every day, but he hasn’t said anything yet about the big day. Valentine’s Day is on a Friday this year, so they’ll probably hang out anyway. Does she mention it? Would it ruin things? Does he secretly want to mention it too? Does she get him a gift?! The stress of it will cause insomnia, hair loss, and breakouts.
7. Ice Cream Sorrows Girl
She has given up on love. You can find her drowning her pain in $60 worth of bodega goodies, not answering any texts, and blacking out her windows until tomorrow, when it’s all over.
8. Who Cares Let’s Drink Girl
Valentine’s Day is on a Friday this year. So um who the f*ck cares, let’s drink.
For more of my relatable dating advice, pick up a copy of my new book, But Like Maybe Don’t?, out now!