Good morning, idiot hookers, and once again congratulations for making it to Thursday, which is basically Friday. It’s officially (almost) the end of another long AF week and I’ve spent the last few days avoiding answering work emails in favor of Googling “how to marry rich.” Classic. For those of you who aren’t living in the city that never sleeps with the same person twice, New York can be like, v hard to meet people. Especially if you’re aiming higher than a fuckboy on Bumble. NYC is supposed to be the land of possibilities and one of those possibilities should be landing your own wolf of Wall Street. You know, if your wolf looks less like Leo Dicaprio and more like Chuck Bass with a dad bod left over from college and a casual coke problem. A girl can dream.
Tbh finance bros aren’t really my type. My standard for guys is lower—more like drunkest guy at happy hour. Obviously, my mother is v proud. But because I
value my journalistic duty like to drink I still definitely hang out at bars where the finance bros gather to drink overpriced beer and whiskey. So here’s a list of the best bars to lock down a finance bro husband so you never have to pretend to love your job again.
1. Dorrian’s Red Hand
Location: Upper East Side
Type of Wealth: He probs has a trust fund
Contrary to what Gossip Girl led us to believe, the Upper East Side is not actually the be-all and end-all of the New York social scene. Sorry, B, but I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this. Because, yes, there are finance bros who Serena probs drunkenly slept with in the 10th grade that hang out there but those guys are probably also like, 40. Or they act 40. Either way, I did not sign up to get shitfaced and also talk about where I think the stock market is going this year. Jesus. Just tell me I’m pretty and buy me a drink. That’s literally all it takes. (Again, my mother is so proud.) In case you need me to paint a clearer picture for you, you know that guy with the dad bod and casual coke problem that I mentioned before? That’s the type that frequents Dorrian’s Red Hand. The type that’s posted up by the bar 3-4 days a week drinking over-priced whiskey sours and talking about his boarding school glory days. Hurry, girls, get him while he’s still single!
2. The Jane Hotel
Location: West Village
Type of Wealth: He could be related to Chuck Bass
The West Village/Chelsea is going to be the best hunting ground for rich AF husband material. Something about the low-key models running around in athleisure gear taking their damn time in the Starbucks line at 9am just screams money. Idk why. And the Jane Hotel is a staple among the rich and the kind of boring. You know it’s boujee AF because there’s a fucking dress code to get in and champagne is like, $12 a glass. Keeping with the Gossip Girl analogies here, the Chuck Basses of the world def frequent The Jane. But like, season one Chuck Bass who wore an unreasonable amount of Ralph Lauren polo shirts and tried to low-key rape high school freshmen. Charming.
Random Bar Bro:
3. The Ainsworth
Type of Wealth: He bought votes to win his frat’s presidential election
First of all, the vibe of this place is just confusing. There’s like, chandeliers and shit but also dudes in button downs aggressively drinking beer and watching Sports Center. I can honestly say I’ve only ever been to this bar once and it was on St. Patrick’s Day when I was
blackout celebrating the Irish spirit, which tbh are really the best circumstances for feeling out a crowd. For example, I watched a grown man in a nice suit wait in line for 15 minutes for the WOMEN’S BATHROOM. Which should speak to the intelligence of the bar’s clientele and also how much that crowd likes to drink. That being said, he also looked like the kind of guy who would offer to pay for more than just a shot of Fireball or the shittiest beer on tap so, like, I was here for it. I imagine this is the kind of bar where that 19-year-old with a really great fake that you met at Houston Hall one time goes when he grows up hits 25 and has a crisis of conscience. Hope to see ya soon, buddy!
4. PJ Clarke’s
Type of Wealth: He casually owns a boat
I had to include another outdoor bar because I so enjoy day drinking for the Insta. Not only does this bar guarantee you a new riverside profile pic, but it also guarantees you a lot of time spent in the company of men who wear shit like this:
Sadly, I’d probably hit that with the right amount of alcohol in my system. *laughs uncomfortably* Similar to The Frying Pan, there’s definitely a preppy Southern vibe here but unlike at The Frying Pan, these people aren’t fronting to be rich assholes because actually are rich assholes. Definitely hit this place up on summer Fridays and be sure to wear your sluttiest pastels. This crowd will eat that shit up.
5. Brother Jimmy’s
Location: Midtown East
Type of Wealth: He’ll offer to split the rent with you in Jersey
Andddd we’re back to this hell hole of an establishment. In a previous post I mentioned that this bar is a place where New Jersey commuting douchebags hang out and also maybe Trump supporters. Well, in a complete and totally expected turn of events, these Jersey commuting assholes and worshipers of a human Cheeto also work in finance. It’s really a special place. If you go there, prepare to spend a fuck ton of money on a very shitty vodka soda and have forced conversation with some guy trying to sell you on coming back to his place… in HOBOKEN. Look, I have nothing against Hoboken. I once
dated was in a Snapchat relationship with a guy who lived in Hoboken who was always saying stuff like “it’s not that far” but I’m pretty sure New Jersey Transit is involved and I do not fuck with that. Okay, so I may have made that last part up. I could be the PATH? Truthfully, I have no idea how you get to Hoboken but I assume it’s about as traumatic as the one time I did try to take New Jersey Transit and got lost by the TGI Friday’s in Penn Station. Regardless, there’s only so far I’m willing to take my hoe ass and I draw a hard line at the New York state border.
If all else fails you can just wander down Stone Street. It’s the mecca for after-hours finance dudes looking to forget the fact that their 200K+ salary won’t replace their personalities. You’ll know you’ve found the place when you see a group of sad looking guys in suits drinking tiny cocktails that cost the same amount of money as my share of the cable bill.