Gwyneth Paltrow, the Martha Stewart for rich people who is somehow not as rich as Martha Stewart herself, released her annual holiday gift guide via her goop.com website, as is her custom. This year’s list “shakes things up a bit” by doing revolutionary things like dividing gifts into sensible categories and trying to “keep as much as possible at the $100 mark,” which I thought was a nice touch for the bourgeois folks for whom this list is clearly intended. Let’s take a look at some of the more thoughtful items on this year’s list.
GOOP Says: “So slick you won’t want to put it away when you return.”
I Say: This is a $300 wallet that appears to only hold cash.
GOOP Says: “A shot of nostalgia with your take-along espresso.”
I Say: The National Parks are still alive and well, making them not at all nostalgic.
GOOP Says: “Hours of entertainment in a slick little case.”
I Say: Why wait to turn into a 40 year old housewife who plays backgammon on Yahoo! when you can do it now for just $550?
GOOP Says: “These turn your basic candy corn into something else entirely.”
I Say: No they don’t. For a minimum of $314, they could at least have the decency to include some candy corn, but they don’t. Also, candy corn is shit. Call these “Peanut M&M Dishes” and you can shut up and take my money.
GOOP Says: “This is a pretty big upgrade on the standard cooler.”
I Say: Except it’s not. By the looks of it, it’s inferior to a standard Coleman beer cooler on every possible level. It has leather handles, which don’t take kindly to moisture. It also lacks a double-walled construction, which is how coolers work in the first place. IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WHEELS.
GOOP Says: “KD’s (and Lebron’s) are the one’s to get.”
I Say: These are in the “8-11 years old” kids section. They will outgrow them in 15 minutes.
GOOP Says: “This drifts – and goes up to 12mph.”
I Say: Fuck, I want one of these.
GOOP Says: “We asked Lily, one of our favorite 14 year olds, what she’d die to own: A piece from Jennifer Meyer, ‘out of every tween’s budget.’”
I Say: Lily sounds like a betch in training, and also an asshole.
GOOP Says: “Gold and peach make this a bit more rarefied than the other bikes on the street.”
I Say: This is an exchange that only happens in Gwyneth Paltrow’s world: “Oh my, Gwyneth, I do love that bicycle I saw you riding through the streets of Pair-ee.” “I know,” Gwyneth replies, “don’t you find that the gold and peach tones make it quite rarefied?”
GOOP Says: “For long nights in front of the fire.”
I Say: You don’t love anything as much as Gwyneth Paltrow loves backgammon, apparently. A more affordable version for your in-home backgammon needs.
GOOP Says: “It’s really hard to go wrong with a cashmere throw blanket.”
I Say: It sure is! The thing is, I don’t know anyone with a net worth below seven figures wouldn’t prefer, y’know, the $1,000 as a gift instead. I’m going to buy a bunch of these and fuck with my poor friends. I’ll give them as gifts, and brashly include the regular receipt (the one with the price). I’ll call them up in mid-January to check on them, like “hey buddy, how’s that blanket you could have used to pay down your student loans? Sure is cold this time of year, eh?”
GOOP Says: “We’d take anything from Esque, most notably this one-of-a-kind, insanely expensive vase.”
I Say: At least they acknowledge the absurdity of it. I’d take one too, and sell the fucker. I could buy like twelve blankets with that!
There’s more, of course, including a section of things to buy for yourself. Calling it a gift guide is insulting, because it’s not – people who can afford this shit don’t need Gwyneth Paltrow’s (or her staff’s) guidance, and her guidance is meaningless to the 99% of the nation who can’t. That’s why it’s not a gift guide – it’s porn. This is full-on ladyporn for women who don’t feel comfortable watching actual porn at work, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just call a spade a spade.