Betches, it's been a fucking while since we've had a scandal worthy of us visiting the actual NY Times website but now that we're faced with one involving the CIA, sexual emails, and a military whore or two, we are All fucking In.
The scandal has many confusing layers but we're going to try to explain in the language of those who don't normally #2 keep up with the news. We'll break each adulterer down by who they're fucking because really, what else matters?
David Petraeus: Known for winning mad wars, running shit at the CIA, and having an excess of vowels in his name, David Petraeus got seriously called out for doing shady shit with potentially more than one army slut (Halloween idea, yay!). Petraeus was forced to resign as CIA director because of the affair but honestly if we were his age we'd welcome retirement in a heartbeat. Now he can move to Florida and keep fucking his mistress. Free Viagra on Obamacare!
Fun fact: Petraeus goes by 'Peaches' in some circles, such as those containing the women he's fucking who aren't his wife. Anyway, before this, Peaches was viewed as a totally standup nice guy and a true American hero. Sadly for Peaches the condom is out of the wrapper.
Jones Broadwell: If there's anything to take away from this scandal, it's that history teaches us to never trust a bitch named Paula, especially if she works under your husband because chances are she is literally under him. Anyway, Paula is a former valedictorian and prom queen an overachiever who is now married with kids. She met Peaches at Harvard (What, like Petraeus's dick is hard?) in 2006 where she was basically obsessed with him and used the fact that she was “writing a book about him” (the academic equivalent to building a shrine of chewing gum and a football) to get closer to him. These two reportedly used to go on a lot of “runs” together where she would interview him for the book…like how Carrie and Brody go on runs. Paula decided to title her book “All In.”
Many sources on the inside have spilled deets about Paula's 13% body fat and the fact that she liked to #42 dress like a slut around the army base, and we're not exactly lieutenants but considering they just let the gays in like last month this is probs not even legal in the military. Not surprisingly she was also something of a bat shit delusional dater and this whole thing started to come out because she was sending stalker-y emails to another betch who Petraeus was “friends” with and probably also fucking, Jill Kelley. Stage 5 swimfan alert!
Jill Kelley: A socialite from Tampa with a trendy two first-name name, JK is basically a real housewife and party planner for the army in Florida…at a base we're sure takes a lot of fire. After Paula sent J a bunch of creepy emails, J started casually bitching to one of her casual FBI besties about them. He started an investigation and somehow they realized that Peaches was fucking Paula, and Paula was jeally of Kelley. Can you believe all this happened while Lauren was away?
But the fun doesn't end there. This FBI bro became obsessed with the case while also spilling the story to someone in Congress, and once all those people found out, it was all over. Peace out Peaches. This FBI bro also casually sent some topless pics of himself to J (the real scandal)…trust us, we're just as confused.
Finally even though no one's actually accused JK of doing anything wrong, she already hired Bill Clinton's lawyer and Monica Lewinsky's crisis manager aka the post-coital dream team. Clearly a good investment for someone being sued for nothing, draw your own conclusions.
Gen. John Allen: Another military bro who's involved in a capacity that's not totally clear yet, he's being investigated for sending over 20,000 pages of emails to Jillybeanz over the past 2 years. Talk about catching up on your correspondence. Seriously what the fuck was this bro doing, retyping the encyclopedia during ceasefire? All we'll say about him is that these emails better come out or else. Where's Julian Assange when you need him?
So that's what we know so far. To be totally honest it doesn't take a genius betch to know there's something extremely shady going on, and we're almost positive it involves Jill Kelley. We're just waiting for the inevitable secret sex web to be revealed complete with the raunchy email supplement. And while we're excited to hear more we will just say we feel a little bad that Peaches has to end his career this way. I mean… it's not like he got a BJ in the oval.