Dr.
Frankenbetch

Pegging is a win for feminism.

Listen up, heathens.

It’s been an eternity since the last season of Orange Is the New Black aired.

If there’s anything betches hate, it’s planning ahead.

Listen up, heathens.

Ever since someone (probably a dude) figured out that drinking fermented yeast makes you feel funny, humanity has been on a noble quest to figure out how to prevent a hangover.

You’d think that after years of (sometimes intermittent) practice, sex would stop being awkward.

Once upon a time, there was a goddess-in-training named Dr.

Thank god we all had our feelings surgically removed a long time ago, because love doesn’t just make you blind, crazy, and/or annoying to everyone you encounter.

Since the dawn of time, mothers have been desperately trying to get their daughters to settle down with a nice boy.

Unless you’re a virgin who can’t drive, you know that sex takes a lot of work.

Everyone says that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing, but IMO, “everyone” is a bunch of losers who are no fun at parties/pregames/anywhere worth being.

HGTV shows are basically interchangeable unless they feature hot twins or the hosts go through a highly-publicized separation that wouldn’t be out of place on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Is there anything as frustrating as being unable to open a bottle of wine because some sadist designed them to be opened with a corkscrew?

Say what you will about all the political insanity in 2017, but it has one thing going for it: Women don’t have to pretend to be delicate flowers who blush at the mention of sex anymore. (Even if we still have to fight for our right for contraception if we decide to have said sex.

News flash: Dirty talk sounds way easier than it is.

In what is undoubtedly the most extra engagement announcement of 2017, some doctor is marrying her medical degree after nine beautiful years together.

Anyone who tells you we don’t need feminism anymore is officially an idiot, but there are some redeeming things about being a woman in 2017.

Aside from choosing a method of getting blackout this weekend, picking a profile picture is one of the most important decisions a betch can make.

“Girls rule, boys drool” is a mantra close to every betch’s heart, but apparently, the adult version should be amended to “girls rule, boys need to learn the basic rules of hygiene.” Do you think men even realize what a privilege it is that we let them stick various parts of their bodies inside us?

I get it.

The average betch receives at least half a dozen requests for nudes each week—unless she’s on Tinder, in which case the limit does not exist.

Booze makes you do stupid shit, but according to science, it might actually make you smarter in the long run—or at least, one specific kind of booze does.

If there’s anything betches love more than wine, science has yet to invent or discover it.

You know a TV network has made it when they’re better known for celeb gossip than their actual purpose.

If anything can immediately make you regret every time you’ve deigned to let someone take off your Lululemons, it’s the phrase sexually transmitted disease.

Sometimes, even for sex goddesses such as ourselves, banging the same person can get a little predictable.

Dear Pizza-Loving Lovers, Weddings are a trade-off.

It should go without saying, but in case you missed it, betches love Jennifer Lawrence.

Anyone who says they legitimately enjoy exercise is lying to you and/or themselves.

Anal sex hasn’t been taboo since Sir Mix-a-Lot’s ode to big butts in 1992, but somehow, Gwyneth Paltrow just discovered anal sex even though it is 2017 and rappers have long moved on to discussing the merits of eating out said butts.

Unnecessary beauty combinations are literally the bane of my existence.

You know what sucks?

Here’s a reason to feel superior to the rest of humanity today: It’s been scientifically proven that people who brag about being fit on Facebook are literally psycho.

If ever there was a pair of jeans so hideous they make you question the existence of a loving god, it would be Topshop’s new mom jeans.

Here’s your obvious statement of the day: Sex ed is truly lacking in America.

For a second there, did you forget that the good ole US of A took a turn for the terrifying back in November?

I hope for your sake that your love/hate relationship with the ultra-caffeinated residents of Stars Hollow is more love than hate, because Netflix might bring back Gilmore Girls yet again.

Like most betches, I spend approximately half of my paycheck on Starbucks every month.

Say goodbye to all those drunken plans for spontaneous Euro tours, because the European Parliament just voted to end visa-free travel around the EU for Americans.

Read: The Betches' Guide To Feminism   Donald Trump, America’s #1 respecter of ladies, wants you to know he’s willing to make compromises, okay?

At last, a shining light has emerged in the darkness enveloping America.

Dear World Traveler, I would say welcome back, but I get the feeling you’re not all that happy to be here.

Did the Oscars’ many fuckups distract you from the fact that we’re living in a nationalist hellscape helmed by a sentient discount store toupee?

Between all the breakups (RIP Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom) and Oscar winners accused of sexual assault (hi, Casey Affleck), celeb gossip has been pretty fucking depressing lately.

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they weren’t actually any better than the present day.

So you’re between S.O.s at the moment, or maybe your current relationship is way too casual to withstand the couple-y pressure of Valentine’s Day.

Dogs are the purest beings in this world, and yes, I’m including Beyoncé so don’t ask.

Listen up, fatties.

When the POTUS Who Shall Not Be Named first hopped onto the presidential campaign bus, he was a true inspiration to the American people.