Anal sex hasn’t been taboo since Sir Mix-a-Lot’s ode to big butts in 1992, but somehow, Gwyneth Paltrow just discovered anal sex even though it is 2017 and rappers have long moved on to discussing the merits of eating out said butts. Do the lives of the fantastically rich and condescending never involve porn? Was her relationship with the dude from Coldplay so vanilla they never thought about using the backdoor? Yeah, most likely. Most importantly, how did she make it through 2015 without listening to “Truffle Butter”?? Because that’s a travesty in its own right.
Anyway, Paltrow just published an article on GOOP entitled “Reality Check: Anal Sex.” As anyone who’s ever ventured onto the site knows, GOOP is famously out of touch with the needs/wants/daydreams of anyone other than a fabulously wealthy heiress-turned-Oscar winner, and its treatment of anal sex doesn’t disappoint. For one thing, the article is an interview with a psychoanalyst, aka one of the least likely professions to have a normal take on sex. Like, I’m just waiting for this psychoanalyst to tell us that people are having anal sex to compensate for their anal-retentive tendencies and daddy issues or something. For another, it makes it sound like anal is some shocking new phenomenon instead of something fuckboys try for on the fourth date.
The article basically reads like it was written by your mom if she, too, was a middle-aged hippie trying to learn what the kids are up to these days. Which she might be—we don’t know your life. The first question is, “When did heterosexual anal start to become a thing?” Newsflash, Gwyneth: Anal isn’t exclusively territory of The Gays. Het couples have been sticking stuff up each other’s asses for as long as they’ve been getting bored and/or having marital problems. The only difference is that now, the internet makes anal porn way more accessible.
Then it concludes with the most pearl-clutching question of all: What do we tell the children about anal sex?? Honestly, it’s almost cute how naïve that is—sorry, Gwyneth, but the children probably already know way more than you do if they’ve ever spent five full minutes on Urban Dictionary.
Obviously, it’s not like getting backdoored (or doing the backdooring) is for everyone, and even couples who have anal sex on the reg are probably having vaginal sex, too. What makes the GOOP article so ridiculous is that it treats anal sex like something super out-there and shocking when it’s basically mainstream. Seriously, who hasn’t at least had a finger up there at some point? But I guess that’s why you shouldn’t get your sex advice from a lifestyle website run by a lady who recommends steaming your vag.
Btw, if anal still (miraculously) sounds appealing after all this, there are some things to keep in mind—first and foremost, buy a metric fuck-ton of lube and prepare to use it. Like, remember that scene in Old School when they wrestled in lube? Aim for that quantity. Your ass is used to things going in one direction, so it’s going to be super unhappy with a dick invasion unless there’s a whole lot of lube involved.
Also, practice relaxing so it’s not fucking painful. Think of it as the ass version of
Xanax kegels. And while we’re on the subject of things that could stress you out: Please, PLEASE, use a condom. Don’t let any fuckboy try to tell you it’s fine to go raw since you can’t get pregnant. NOOOO. The GOOP article actually had some good advice when the psychoanalyst dude pointed out that the skin up there is super fragile. Not only does it tear super easily—which means despite yours and every fuckboy’s first instict, you definitely shouldn’t do anal while you’re drunk, sorry—but it also gets STDs even more easily than your vagina. If your partner tries to argue with you on this point, ask yourself whether the hepatitis is worth it. Then promptly tell them to kindly fuck off. BRB, crying at the thought of anal hepatitis.
Anal sex obviously isn’t for the faint of heart, but if you want to and you’ve made it this far in this article without subconsciously clenching your butthole and cringing, go for it. Scandalize Gwyneth Paltrow 2k17?