Kellyanne Conway's Microwave Spying Conspiracy Theory, Explained By 'Mean Girls'

For a second there, did you forget that the good ole US of A took a turn for the terrifying back in November? Never fear—professional dispenser of advice (to the POTUS) and lies (to everyone else) Kellyanne Conway is here to remind you not to trust anyone, up to and including your favorite household appliance. Thanks to Conway’s microwave conspiracy theory, all anyone can talk about this week is kitchen appliances instead of, like, healthcare and Jeff Sessions’ personal vendetta against stoners and black people. But if you’ve been too busy having a life to keep up with all the shit going down in DC, here’s your guide to the verbal acrobatics Conway’s been performing this week, as explained in the universal language of GIFs.

As everyone in the universe knows by now, Donald Trump has a bit of a tweeting problem, aka everything he writes reads like the inner monologue of an egotistical drunk toddler uncle. In early March, he claimed that Barack Obama had wiretapped his phones during the election, comparing it to Watergate. Then he called Obama a “bad (or sick) guy,” because Trump is petty AF.

Mean Girls

If these claims were true, it would be a big fucking deal, so everyone lost their shit as they tried to figure out whether this was a thing that actually happened or just the result of Trump getting bored, even though it is so OBVIOUSLY the latter. An Obama spokesman denied the claims (duh), and FBI Director James Comey literally asked Justice officials to shut that shit down. In news that will shock precisely zero people, the White House couldn’t actually provide any evidence that Trump Tower was wiretapped.

I Don't Even Whatever

Meanwhile, WikiLeaks dumped a whole bunch of new information about the CIA. Among other stuff, we found out that the government can spy on people through their cars, fancy TVs, and smartphones. Everyone pretended they were surprised even though fucking duh, if someone can hack a webcam they can obviously hack other tech, and there have already been a bajillion other scandals about the feds keeping an eye on citizens. 

Mean Girls

On Sunday, Miss Misdirection brought these two seemingly unrelated topics together. In an interview with the Bergen Record, she suggested that the wiretapping wasn’t just real, it was actually something everyone should be paranoid about. She talked about an article she’d read saying it was possible to surveil someone through their phones, TVs, and “microwaves that turn into cameras.” So basically she sounded just about as credible as the conspiracy theorist living on your street corner.

Fifth Sense

BTW, reporter/America’s old man crush George Stephanopoulos point-blank asked Conway about the wiretapping claims on Good Morning America this week. After avoiding the question better than a divorcée when asked about her age, Conway said she had no evidence for Trump’s tweet but whatevs, that’s what investigations are for. Say what you will about her, but her powers of manipulation are fucking stellar.

Cheese Fries

In conclusion, someone please give this woman a reality show ASAP so she can lie for the greater good of the entertainment industry. I actually can think of a reality show star who might be able to help her get started.