16 Ways To Describe Donald Trump That Aren’t Cheeto-Based

When the POTUS Who Shall Not Be Named first hopped onto the presidential campaign bus, he was a true inspiration to the American people. Not out of any particular charisma or idealism—the man is as appealing as a blobfish wearing a toupee—but because we all joined together for a single purpose: ridiculing the shit out of him.

But like our beach bodies and Obama’s terms as president, it was too good to last. As election season dragged on, creative descriptions like “racist, sexist block of aged cheddar” (Jezebel) and “xenophobic sweet potato” (Chris Hardwick) petered out, and in their place came the Cheeto comparisons. At some point last fall, possibly after the first presidential debate sapped our collective will to live, everyone decided that the Great Comber-Over’s spirit animal was the cheese puff.

I get it. It’s an apt comparison, and in these forsaken times, it takes all your strength just to complain about politics on Facebook. But I beg of you: don’t lose hope. With 171,476 words in the English language, there are so many other avenues to take when describing Steve Bannon’s favorite life-size puppet.

I encourage you to explore your own creativity in this area, of course—preferably as loudly as possible in a public forum. If you’re uninspired, however, feel free to refer to the following 16 examples. I assure you, it’s the best list out there. A beautiful list. Really, I’m thrilled with how it turned out.