Nothing will transport you back to high school faster than being in a room full of people talking about some type of sex you’ve never heard of. Not that high school wasn’t fun, but who likes being reminded that once upon a time, they were a virgin who couldn’t drive? Even though it’s literally impossible to keep up with all the weird euphemisms for sex people come up with, you’re obviously not supposed to let on that you have no idea WTF truffle butter means. (You’re not going to like it. Or maybe you will—I don’t know the details of your sex life and I prefer to keep it that way.) I don’t know how people maintained a cool, sexually sophisticated façade before the internet, but luckily, we live in an era where you can pull up Urban Dictionary on your phone whenever you want. Blessings.
In the interest of pretending like you’re not totally vanilla, here are the definitions of 10 sex terms you’re too embarrassed to admit you don’t know.
1. Truffle Butter
Nicki Minaj wrote an entire song about this one, but if Googling it somehow slipped your mind and it’s too late to ask anyone, allow me to explain. Truffle butter is the result of going from anal sex to vaginal sex—apparently, it’s the tan shit (possibly literally) around your vag. In order to maintain my faith in humanity I’m just gonna assume it’s a thing that happens once and never again in any relationship, because the idea makes me want to puke. Also, hello, does nobody realize that’s a UTI waiting to happen? I am scarred.
BTW, the mess is also known by another name: Santorum. Please Google it because the origins of the name are the only good thing to come out of American politics since Jackie Kennedy’s dress sense.
I’ll keep this definition as short as the word itself: Chodes are short, fat dicks. This can be taken literally or figuratively—Jonah Hill, for example, could be considered a chode. Although he fits the definition to a T in other ways, Pussy Grabber-in-Chief is (surprisingly) too tall to fit in the category in the literal sense. And for those of you who are wondering, according to Google, Donald Trump is supposedly 6’2″, but given his clear Napoleon complex I’m going to declare that fact fake news.
The online definitions vary, but the basic definition of a creampie is when a dude’s semen drips out of you after sex. Because someone, somewhere will literally lick anything out of a vagina, creampies sometimes refer to when your partner licks said semen up once you’re done banging. I would take this time to ask “WHO DOES THAT??” but honestly, I don’t want to know. Please try to contain your vom.
Bukkake is not a trendy new sushi roll—it’s when a bunch of dudes jack off onto a woman’s body, which sounds enjoyable for precisely no one. Like, where do you gather all these dudes? What are the rules for eye contact? Do the men acknowledge that this is way beyond the rules of the bro code? What the fuck are women supposed to get out of it, aside from a lot of blackmail material? If I wanted to personally collect a whole bunch of DNA evidence, I’d work in a crime lab.
If you’re a bi betch or know anyone who plays for both teams, they’ve def complained about the idea of a unicorn before. Aside from being the mythical creature you asked for on your 9th birthday, unicorns are the nickname for a chick who joins a het couple for a threesome and enjoys it for some reason. Tragically for the swingers (read: fuckboys who don’t want to be monogamous but don’t have the balls to dump their GF) of the world, unicorns are way, way less common than porn would have you think. Which is precisely why they’re called “unicorns” and not “people in the bread aisle of your local grocery store”.
6. Tossing Salad
Once again, we have Nicki Minaj to thank for bringing this phrase to everyone’s attention. Tossing salad (like his name’s Romaine) is literally just going down on someone’s asshole. If you ever heard of The Human Centipede, it’s basically the sex version of that. If Queen Nicki’s into it, I guess it must be fun somehow even if it sounds like the fastest way to get e. coli and end up in the hospital. I’d rather just go to Chipotle.
7. Eskimo Sisters
We did an entire guide to the concept of Eskimo sisters, but if you’re crunched for time, here’s the short version. Eskimo sisters are two women who’ve had sex with the same person, AKA the #1 reason for failed friendships. (#2 is posting an Instagram where one person looks fat.) It’s a complicated, yet sacred relationship in any small social circle, but if you manage to navigate the awkwardness at first, it’s no biggie. Prominent eskimo sisters in pop culture include Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie (and possibly Marion Cotillard), Kristen Doute and Ariana Madix, and all the girls who make it to the fantasy suite on the same season of The Bachelor.
According to a bunch of scandalized articles written in 2014, bloodhounds are dudes who either don’t mind having sex with you while you’re on your period, or they’re actually into it. We would also call them “men”. The fact that “bloodhound” is even a term is proof we need feminism TBH. Unless your flow rivals the Red Sea, having sex on your period is not a big fucking deal, as we’ve previously established.
Because people are way too obsessed with how lesbians have sex, even straight people have heard of scissoring. Basically, it’s when two women rub their clits and/or lady bits together until someone comes or until they get bored. Most of the time, it’s more of a porn/male fantasy thing than an actual thing women do when they have sex, but I guess some lesbian couples actually like it. Maybe.
In case you missed the Broad City episode about it, pegging is when a woman wears a strap-on and fucks a man—yes, up the asshole. When a fuckboy tried to convince me to do anal (“pleaseeee? Just one time?”), I asked him if he would be willing to let me peg him, and that shut him down real quick. I’m just saying, nobody should expect their partner to take it up the ass unless they’re prepared to do the same.
Am I saying I feel like pegging is a win for feminism? Basically yes. The more you know.