So you’re between S.O.s at the moment, or maybe your current relationship is way too casual to withstand the couple-y pressure of Valentine’s Day. Whatever the reason, the point is that you’re chilling by yourself on Feb. 14 this year, and obviously that means you’ll wind up watching Netflix. Not to sound like one of those obnoxious single-empowerment articles, but with a liberal application of alcohol, a true betch can enjoy herself in literally any situation, up to and including spending the dreaded V-Day alone. Honestly, it’s hard to have a bad night when you only remember half of it.
But I digress. Netflix and wine is, of course, one of the most magical combinations known to betchkind. Sometimes, though, the infinite variety is a little much, so I’ve narrowed it down for you.
1. Magic Mike + Champagne
What’s more romantic than Channing Tatum’s soulful eyes and a bunch of men in thongs gyrating to “It’s Raining Men”? Literally nothing, so celebrate the fact that you’re watching this glorious movie with Champagne. Unfortunately, you can’t pop a bottle all over Joe Manganiello’s abs, so drinking it is the next best thing. TBH I should end the list right here because I can think of literally no better way to spend Valentine’s Day than with alcohol and Magic Mike, but I’ll continue in case that’s (inexplicably) not your thing.
2. Sweeney Todd + Pinot Noir
Sweeny Todd is perfect for the bitter betch. Technically, it’s a love story—in between all the murder and cannibalism, everyone’s pining for each other—so it’s thematically appropriate for V-Day. Mostly, though, it’s about Johnny Depp brutally murdering everyone in sight and singing about it—which is exactly what you want to do to all the happy couples on Valentine’s Day but can’t because it’s illegal/generally frowned upon. To go with the human—er, pork pies—onscreen, drink a Pinot Noir.
3. The Princess Bride + Any 100-Proof Liquor
Yeah I know it’s not wine, but sometimes wine just doesn’t cut it. Use some of the strongest liquor available to man to numb the pain when you realize that you’ll never have a love as pure and beautiful as Westley and Buttercup’s. If it makes you feel better, we’re all in the same boat.
4. It Follows + Any Wine You Can Find
As a 90-minute metaphor for STDs, It Follows is the ideal movie for making people glad they’re not off banging someone with chlamydia. As a fucking terrifying horror movie, it requires an entire bottle of wine to handle without losing your mind. Honestly your choice of wine doesn’t matter here as long as it’s got at least a 14 percent ABV.
5. 10 Things I Hate About You + Two Buck Chuck
Riding solo on Valentine’s Day just means you get to fantasize about whomever you want. You know what that means? Time to break out a series of heartthrobs from your adolescence, beginning with the ever-dreamy Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You. In honor of Julia Stiles getting wasted and dancing on a table to Biggie Smalls, break out your shittiest wine, that six pack of cheap beer, and/or a handle of watermelon flavored Smirnoff—whatever takes you back to high school.
6. Love Actually + Petite Sirah
IDGAF that Love Actually is supposed to be a Christmas movie. It’s got the word love right there in the title, ergo it’s a Valentine’s Day movie. Obviously, a movie this sappy needs something dry to balance it out, like Petit Sirah and your wit.
7. Bridget Jones’s Diary + Chardonnay
If you haven’t already seen the greatest rom com of the 2000s, Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to watch it; after all, Bridget Jones herself has spent many a night alone on the couch. She’s also cracked open many a bottle of wine, so join her in drinking what your mom would call “too much Chardonnay.”
8. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes + Your Oldest Wine
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes has everything: A gold-digging Marilyn Monroe, fucking amazing costumes, and songs devoted to attractive Olympic athletes (“I Love What I’m Doing (When I’m Doing It For Love)”) and how diamonds are better than men (“Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”). Since the musical came out in 1952, break out the oldest wine in your kitchen, aka the one you bought last week and forgot about until now. Just don’t attempt any at-home dye jobs, however strong the urge may be.
9. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil + Tempranillo
If you’re not masochistic enough to watch a horror movie by yourself but you’re still pissed at being alone on Valentine’s Day, you can get out that aggression with a horror-comedy like
your love life Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. There’s a lot of blood onscreen, which you can match by drinking a dark red wine like Tempranillo.
10. Tangerine + Rosé
Normally, I would never condone watching pretentious indie films because that’s for freaks who went to film school and grow out their armpit hair. That being said, Tangerine is a movie about a prostitute tearing through Los Angeles in search of her pimp/boyfriend who cheated on her when she was in jail. It’s also set during Christmas. Need I say more? No. To go with a movie whose premise is this dainty, you need the girliest of all wines: rosé.
11. Clueless + Wine Cooler
I have tragic news. The ‘90s classic Clueless, which made ‘90s girls everywhere believe in the power of love with your step brother (and more importantly, fashion), is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28. Since you can’t actually be with ultimate DILF Paul Rudd on Valentine’s Day, the next best thing is to watch Clueless all night. Of course, any movie set at a high school in the ‘90s deserves a throwback—time to break out the wine coolers you loved when you were 16.
12. Precious Puppies + Riesling
It sounds like something I just made up, but I promise this is literally real. Bless Netflix for gifting us with 45 minutes of puppies being precious. Watch Precious Puppies in bed, clutching a bottle of Riesling, then cry yourself to sleep.