It’s been an eternity since the last season of Orange Is the New Black aired. Well, less than a year but it feels like an eternity, probably because the world has entirely gone to shit in the meantime. Summer is finally around the corner, though, and if you’re a living, breathing human, you know what that means: It’s time to prepare for the newest season of OITNB. I’ve always thought rosé pairs well with watching the Litchfield inmates fuck each other over in increasingly creative ways, but maybe you’re more of a Crazy Eyes & Margaritas gal. No judgement. The important thing is that you’re drunk.
For those who were traumatized by the season 4 finale, here’s where it left off: Fake Martha Stewart Judy King finally got the fuck out of prison, Alex and Piper are trying to burn the incriminating notes Hot Donna stupidly left all over the prison, and Taystee has just started a riot over the prison’s treatment of Poussey’s death (RIP). The season infuriatingly cut off right as Daya aims a gun at the Creepy Prison Guard #45’s head. And now I have anxiety. Great.
With all that in mind, Netflix released the new season TODAY, so while you’re waiting to get home from work you can quell your OITNB urges with Piper Chapman’s best quotes.
1. “Bitches gots to learn.”
2. “I have been starve out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now: you.”
3. “How am I supposed to prison fight an old Russian lady with back problems?”
4. “I’m like American Apparel, with less implied statutory rape.”
5. “You heart me? What is that? Is that like “I love you” for pussies?”
6. “When you say that everybody hates me, you’re being a little hyperbolic, right?”
7. “Don’t make me rip your throat out with my teeth.”
8. “We are not friends. I am not your safety blanket. I am not your new Meadow. And I definitely don’t need your advice.”
9. “I’m gonna do to you what the spring does with cherry trees but in a prison way.”
10. “By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to my menses.”
11. “Do not defend your boner to me right now.”
12. “Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.”
13. “I think I’ve moved beyond stress to something more deeply disturbing.”
14. “If this is a real riot, do you think it’s a step forwards or backwards for equality?”
Never change, Piper.
