Ever since someone (probably a dude) figured out that drinking fermented yeast makes you feel funny, humanity has been on a noble quest to figure out how to prevent a hangover. Nerds and people who don’t understand the concept of “fun” will tell you that the easiest way to avoid a miserable morning-after is to drink less. Since the very idea of not getting wasted every weekend is unfathomable, the only proper response to this is to point and laugh.
But there’s only so much coconut water and aspirin a betch can take without going crazy, so it’s in your best interest to try to mitigate a hangover before you go out. If you take the following precautions, you might spend only three hours in bed tomorrow morning instead of the usual six. Best of luck, comrades.
1. Alternate Shots & Water
Most betches understand the science of hangovers better than anything they learned in biology class, but in case you missed it, the headache is mostly the result of dehydration. Alternate a shot of alcohol with at least a little water, and you might wake up tomorrow feeling merely gummy instead of like a desiccated corpse. Yes, you’ll be in and out of the bathroom all night, but suck it up and take some drunk selfies while you’re there.
2. Go Easy On Bubbly
According to a decent amount of research, fizzy alcohol gets you drunk faster because carbon dioxide or something. You obviously know your limits, but know that you’ll get lit way too quickly if you accept that offer to do a keg stand with Champagne.
3. Eat Dinner (A Real One)
Eating a legit dinner before you go out seems counterintuitive to me. Why would you eat a bunch of food when it’ll just soak up the alcohol and make it harder to get drunk? Plus, even clear liquors have calories, so you’ll just feel fat. Research shows that food slows the absorption of alcohol, so it’s true that you won’t get drunk as quickly as you would if you skipped dinner.
But getting drunk slower also means you won’t get wasted and puke in someone’s trashcan at the pregame—save that for when you’re rolling up to the club, where it’s totally acceptable to boot and rally (as long as you do so discretely). In the morning, you’ll hate yourself less because you didn’t go full-on blackout, and you won’t wake up starving to death. It’s a win-win.
4. Stock Up On Juice
Alcohol causes wacky blood sugar levels, so keep some juice in the fridge to help it even out in the morning. IMO, you’re totally justified in claiming you’re going on a cleanse this weekend.
5. Stick To Light Liquors
Hangover researchers (aka heroes of the modern age) think that these things called congeners make hangovers worse, and they’re found in dark alcohols like red wine and whiskey. Good thing vodka sodas are already a betchy classic.
6. Take A Vitamin
According to Harvard’s School of Public Health, which probably knows what it’s talking about, alcohol depletes your body of important stuff like vitamins. After work on Friday, run to the store for those Flintstone gummies everyone loves.
7. Get Sleep The Night Before
Half of what makes hangovers so terrible is the sheer exhaustion. Getting legit sleep after a night of drinking is pretty much impossible, but you can at least get enough sleep the night before or nap before going out. Who doesn’t enjoy an excuse to sleep more?
8. Make Brunch Plans
Above all else, make sure you have plans for brunch the next morning. After a few mimosas, you won’t even feel the hangover anymore.