Unless you’re a virgin who can’t drive, you know that sex takes a lot of work. You have to coordinate body parts in weird ways, bend yourself in even weirder ways, and heaven help you if you don’t have a sense of rhythm. Then there’s the fact that on top of the busy work of gettin’ busy, you have to worry about what not to do in bed so you don’t end up acting out a scene worthy of Broad City. Awkward sex is only funny when it’s happening to someone else.
You might think that some of the following advice is obvious, but trust me. It is not. Here are nine things to never do in bed if you ever hope to hook up with the same person more than once.
1. Don’t Immediately Go For The Weird Stuff
You know that scene from the first season of Girls when Adam’s dirty talk takes a nose dive into some fantasy about slutty homeless women? If you don’t watch Girls (wise choice), all you need to know is that it was so awkward I had to leave the room and refused to come back until the scene was over, and it wasn’t even happening to a real person.
Look. We’re all into weird shit—some of it weirder than others—but IDGAF how open-minded your hookup seems, you always want to start out sex with the basics. Check any potentially awkward fantasies at the bedroom door, or you’ll wake up one morning and find your hookup story turned into some fuckboy’s submission for Total Frat Move. Once you’re fairly certain he’s caught feelings, or the chemistry starts to pop off and he’s low-key signaling that he’d like to take it to the next level, then feel free to start calling him Daddy or whatever.
2. Don’t Babble
Dirty talk is almost always welcome, but control yourself. If you’re a nervous babbler, know your limits—it’s better to shut up while you’re ahead than come to a point where you’re at a loss for words and start rambling about cleaning your toilet. That rule from second grade applies: If you don’t have something nice—or in this case, sexy—to say, don’t say anything at all.
3. Don’t Fantasize About Your Ex
Only TV characters yell out the wrong name during sex—I’m not convinced it’s actually a thing that happens IRL. However, no self-respecting betch should allow herself to be so hung up on some fuckboy that she thinks about him while hooking up with someone else. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
4. Don’t Yank On His Head
Congratulations on finding a dude who isn’t terrified of cunnilingus! (Side note: fuck the patriarchy, they shouldn’t be that hard to find.) Now don’t fuck it up by grabbing digging your claws into his scull and holding on for dear life. If you don’t let a dude do it to yoiu, you should extend the same courtesy to your partners. A post-orgasm head massage is always welcome, though.
5. Don’t Break His Penis
This is the absolute lowest bar you could set for sex, but it needs to be said. I know you’re probably so excited that you finally are hooking up with the hot guy in your Creative Writing class or whatever, but don’t get overly excited. Be (fairly) gentle—nothing kills the moment like a trip to the hospital. In that same vein, stay away from reverse cowgirl unless you’re a seasoned veteran. Just trust me on this.
6. Don’t Get Overly Ambitious
Normally, ambition is a good thing, but this isn’t your career trajectory we’re talking about. Don’t try to, like, give BJ with your legs crossed behind your head unless you know for a fact that this is a move you’d be interested in trying in the future. Remember, that first hookup will set the standard for the rest of your relationship so if you’re not interested in doing acrobatics regularly, maybe start off with positions you could execute three tequila shots deep. If you’re absolutely desperate to try incorporating some back bends into your love making, be prepared to fork over money for like, three months of yoga classes first.
7. Don’t Let Your Mind Wander
This just in: Sex is awesome. If you fantasize about reorganizing your closet instead of, like, actually enjoying what’s happening, it’s not a good sign. Either switch the sex up so you’re more into it, or find someone who knows how to keep your attention. Life is way too short for bad hookups. Plus you know you’ll never actually remember that grocery list you made mid-bone sesh by the time you get to the store.
8. Don’t Let Your Pet Watch
I shouldn’t have to say this, but thanks to the advent of the internet and #WhitePeople, I cannot leave this stone unturned. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, have sex with your pet in the room. WTF is wrong with you? No moment is so hot that you can’t take 15 seconds to shoo away your cat. You fucking perv.
9. Don’t Fake An Orgasm
IDGAF how fragile your fuckboy’s ego is. Faking one orgasm leads to faking others, and before you know it you’ve forgotten what an orgasm even feels like. That is not a way to live. I and the feminist movement will not allow it.
