Ahh finally, the one year anniversary of Anne Hathaway prancing around our TV screens like the fucking Prin-CESS of Genovia while trying to make up for the fact that James Franco was busy filming his next documentary High at the Oscars. Seriously we couldn't even pay attention long enough to decide whether Billy Crystal was funny because we were too busy thinking about how unreasonably bad Anne Hathaway was last year.
It only took us halfway through the red carpet pre-show to realize that the Oscar crowd is a lot older and classier than the Grammy crowd, making last night not at all dramatic and actually really fucking boring. You know the ceremony is awful when the most viral commentary it inspires is a personal Twitter for Angelina Jolie's leg/JLo's nipple/Woody Allen's missing penis. And you definitely know it was a bad year for movies when the Academy decides the best thing they watched was a bunch of French people not speaking.
…On second thought, good thing they made it silent. Based on their incoherent acceptance speeches no one would've had a fucking clue which character was actually THE artist…perhaps the dog?
Really though, it's midway through the show and suddenly you're like, how long have I been reading Alec Baldwin's tweets, how am I already at November 2010, how much did I miss? Then you look up and they're accepting an award for sound mixing and your answer is clear: absofuckinglutely nothing.
Some highlights for us:
There was the whole ordeal over professional attention-seeker Sacha Baron Cohen coming as The Dictator. You have to ask yourself: if a C-List actor comes to the Oscars dressed in character to promote his supposedly funny movie but isn't actually funny because all he does is pour some dust on a short guy, did it ever really happen?
Apparently George Clooney was supposed to play a big bromantic prank on his bestie Brad Pitt. We were clearly the only ones who noticed it, see picture.
WTF did cirque du soleil have to do with anything? Like one minute I'm listening to some decent one liners about the bankruptcy of the Kodak and next minute I see circus ninjas doing fucking flips in mid-air. The Oscars: home of the human catapult.
Sure we loved the Billy Crystal-Clooney makeout sesh but personally we would've appreciated a cage fight between him and Stacy Kiebs a lot more. HEADLOCK GEORGE!
Does anyone ever notice how Asians are extremely underrepresented at the Oscars? Seriously the only Asian we saw was playing the drums (?) in the orchestra.
Red Carpet Fashion:
Cool, Viola Davis came dressed as Dennis Rodman.
Has Emma Stone been watching RHOBH? She was wearing Kim's famous turtleneck blouse in dress form which made her look like she was being strangled by drapery but also glamorous at the same time?
How much boob tape was J-Lo wearing?? Apparently it was enough to distract everyone from the fact that she's like, not an actress anymore. Maybe she's promoting Selena 2: The After Life.
Gwyn looked chic as fuck, cape and all.
Why was Mila Jovovich such a big deal last night? Was she getting re-recognized for her transformative role as Katinka?
OMG Bradley Cooper I want to shave that mustache right off your face how dare you. It?s February, not Movember you beautiful freak.
Sup with the Muppets? Stop trying to make Muppets happen.
Emma Stone's presentation was like blatantly recycled from Anne Hathaway's embarrassing loser monologue from last year.
Melissa Leo, you were annoying last year and you're really fucking annoying this year. We almost forgot about you until we remembered that any time you get on stage, you take it as a free pass to stretch out everything you say for 30+ extra seconds so you can be on camera for longer.
Way to go Octavia Spencer for thanking the whole state of Alabama. If it wasn't for them oppressing your entire race for centuries, you could never have played this Oscar baiting role. See, white people are great.
Props to Meryl for the most narcissistic speech in the world and acknowledging that she?s always winning, has a marriage you should envy, and she's besties with everyone in Hollywood, including those who are dead.
GOD JEAN DUJARDIN, get an invisalign.
Ok Hugo chill out, no one even saw you.
Where the fuck is Woody Allen? Dead? Here's our theory on why he never shows up: some years ago at a scandalous Hollywood Shabbat dinner, Woody couldn't hold his Manischevitz and hooksed with someone in the Academy (we won't name names Diane Keaton); and ever since, this delusional dater has been trying to lure him with awards, hoping for a chance to rehash the wonders of the freaky shit they did that steamy night back in the 70s. She figures something's gotta give.
Was James Earl Jones commemorated for the Lion King or Bell Atlantic nynex mobile commercials?
Casual moment of the night: one of the guys who won Best Adapted Screenplay for The Descendants played a crying loser with Herpes on Are You There Chelsea this past week.
Christopher Plummer won for Best Grandpa.