Last night's Grammy's were like so long it hurt. They never felt this long before, probably because we've never watched the whole thing. THREE AND A HALF HOURS!? Didn't realize I'd need an Adderall for this.
It was a night complete with lots of Whitney Houston love, many attempted fashion statements, and the exorcism of Nicki Minaj. Anyway, for us it turned into a 3 hour discussion of who Adele would look like if she were thin.*
Generally we think it has to suck to partake in the Grammy's because unlike the Golden Globes where you can sit back and get drunk, you need to get on stage in costume and perform so people can judge you. Like for instance, who decided that LL Cool J should host and why? He looks and acts completely like a bar mitzvah dancer. LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAT MITZVAH GIRL JENNIFER HUDSON!! L'CHAIM!! [Cue to
I will Always Love You That's What Friends Are For]
Whatever, we'll start with the fashion police a la betch idol Joan Rivers.
*We decided Katy Perry but a lots of votes went to Bryce Dallas Howard, Leighton Meester and Lana Del Rey (no idea who the fuck she is but we hear her name a lot these days?)
Red Carpet Pre-Show
I swear if one more person talks about the tone of the night…And does it not bother anyone that they keep calling it 'music's biggest night'? What's music's smallest night? Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards? Me blasting Call Your Girlfriend while smoking a blunt in my car?
We love when the announcers proclaim something as “a moment”. Like you know they're just dying to have “a moment” and are so relieved when one finally happens. They wanted Nikki Minaj and the Pope to be the moment this year but unfortunately Rihanna's sideboob stole the show.
Taylor Swift looked like a robot in a geisha dress. Taylor, did I give you permission to come to my house and bedazzle my curtains?!
Fergalicious looking like an orange ball of sluttayyy.
Worst dressed: Gaga, for trying to look like she was in mourning but actually just looked like she was wearing a basketball net. OMG good one Gaga, did someone like, die?
Best dressed: RiRi, but she left her Raybans at home.
Bruno Mars: I didn't realize Ricky Martin raped the Temptations and their child got a record label.
Rihanna looked so hot and shit all over Chris Brown's hop scotch performance.
Beach Boys stayed up 3 hours past their bedtime to lip sync some great songs. Seriously they're so old they had to wear a baseball cap with their group's name in case everyone forgot who they were.
Not to be mean to Taylor Swift while she's singing a song about um, people being mean, but there's a colonial woman on the stage at the Grammys, she's dressed in authentic colonial garb, there's something the Academy's not telling us!!
Deadmau5 was INSANEEEEEEEE. And by insane we mean, the guys who designed the light show and stage did a great job, and Deadmau5 bobbed his head really really well.
Note to Katy Perry, you're like really pretty, can you stop dressing like a freak? You're afraid to offend your parents by filing for divorce, but not go out dressed as if Cinderella fucked a smurf?
We love Nicki Minaj but like, there's a reason I didn't see Paranomal Activia 3.
Tributes to Dead People
Etta James was probably pissed off from the grave, she wanted to be the dead star of tonight's Grammys. Thought she could pull it off by dying a few weeks before, turns out Whitney was like, fuck you I own the Grammys.
Jennifer Hudson's performance was life changing, end of story.
Why didn't Amy Winehouse get more attention? It seems like the only place in America white girls are discriminated against are Grammy tribute songs?
Seriously Jay-Z and Kanye, too good for the Grammys? Busy with throne surveillance?
Bon Ivers WHO? Here's a clip from his acceptance speech: “There's a lot of talent here…but there's also not a lot of talent here.” Well now we know getting the best new artist doesn't require, um, eloquence.
Chris Brown for best makeup artist…Rihanna's concealer looked great.
Taylor should've won the country music award. Where's Kanye to set shit straight?
WHERE'S JUSTIN BIEBER.
Overall we enjoyed the show (kind of) and we just have to say that Adele, although we playfully make of her, is actually fucking amazing. I mean it's not over until the fat lady sings right?