It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.
If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what [she] had with [her boyfriend].” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.
^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!
There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to
start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.
Theory #1: She’s Pregnant
I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!
Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again
No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?
Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her
I know this sounds far-fetched, but again,
that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.
We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!
Images: Giphy (4)