It’s been a long few months, but the Bachelor off-season is finally coming to an end. After teasing us with driver’s license photos of the women and that weird CGI windmill commercial, today ABC finally gave the people what they want: the full list of contestants, including bios and photos that don’t look like they were taken on a first-generation iPhone. Don’t worry, we’ll have our full contestant breakdown tomorrow, but for now we have something more pressing to discuss, and that’s the manner in which The Bachelor made this announcement.
I’ve never understood the appeal of Facebook Live, and honestly, I mostly judge people who go live on social media. So as you can imagine, I wasn’t thrilled when I found out they would be announcing this season’s Bachelor contestants with a live stream. But I was especially not thrilled when I saw that it was Chris Harrison, standing in front of a green screen with rose petals all over it, talking to himself for a full 30 minutes. These days, that’s longer than he’s on camera in an entire season, so this is hard work for him! There was light tea about the season, way too many dad jokes, and random laughter from off camera. Y’all, it was awkward.
They’ve done this video format for the past couple seasons, but somehow I’ve avoided watching a full one of them until now. I’ll save you the time and say that it’s basically just Chris Harrison holding a stack of paper and rambling about each of the 30 contestants, and then he literally just throws the pages on the ground when he’s done with them (same). Some of the intros are way more interesting than others, which makes sense considering that some of these ladies went home on night one, and Chris probably only met them for 10 seconds total.
While the entire video is not really worth watching, and mostly consists of Chris making jokes about windmills and planes, Chris did leave us with s0me interesting tidbits of information about the upcoming season, so here’s what you really need to know.
The first contestant in the video is Alayah, who just happens to be this year’s Miss Texas. These producers really just can’t resist, can they? Chris says that Alayah is the center of some major drama this season, and that something happens to her that has never happened to a contestant in Bachelor history. What could this be?? I’d love to think she gets pregnant or loses a limb or something crazy like that, but she probably just has some invisible skin condition that she talks about to seem vulnerable.
According to Chris, Hannah Ann will be heavily involved in a lot of the drama this season. I’m prepared to be disappointed by this tease, but I guess we’ll find out soon enough. She looks like the hot babysitter who gets murdered first in a horror movie, but Chris warns that she definitely has a backbone.
The person I’m perhaps most interested in is Kelley. She’s an attorney, and Chris says she “knows how to work the game…she uses all of the rules, and actually makes up rules and finds loopholes to her advantage.” Okay, is Kelley on Survivor or The Bachelor? I don’t know what loopholes Chris is referring to, but he also says that Kelley had met Peter prior to the start of filming. Can’t wait to watch all the other girls have panic attacks when they learn about this!
Madison is from Alabama, but she went to Auburn, so don’t f*cking say Roll Tide to her. Aside from talking for too long about how she’s a great basketball player, Chris drops the pretty major spoiler that she gets the first one-on-one date of the season. That doesn’t necessarily mean much in the long run, but take note if you’re making bets with your friends.
In the same vein as the Madison spoiler, Chris also hints heavily that Savannah will be the first kiss of the season. Again, mark that down so you’ll have an advantage over all your friends who didn’t watch this dumb video.
Chris also says that Peter called Sydney one of the best kissers in the house. Honestly, with Chris giving away all these clues, I probably won’t even watch the first couple episodes of the season.
As we know from some of the spoilers, Victoria F. is going to be…a lot. Chris calls her “the most… everything,” and says that he’s never seen a contestant go through more sh*t during her time on the show. He relates her journey on the show to watching Forrest Gump, which sounds like a wild ride that I will absolutely be tuning in for.
Chris also tells us that this season has a lot of instances of “where girls knew other girls” before the show, which sounds like something the producers would NEVER do on purpose to cause drama. Bless this mess. Specifically, there are several flight attendants, two of whom apparently have worked together in the past. I. AM. READY.
That’s all the tea for now, and whether it’s actually groundbreaking or not, it’s definitely enough that I’ll be watching this season. I’m not looking forward to the amount of airline and windmill references we’ll have to sit through, but it sounds like the season actually might be pretty dramatic. Damn Mike Fleiss and his goons, they’ve done it again! Coming soon, we’ll have our full contestant breakdown, as well as Jared Freid’s famous Bro’s Breakdown, so check back for full roasts of all the contestants.