New Decade, Who Dis? Your 2020 Horoscopes

If 2019 was the year of everybody and their mother getting back into astrology, 2020 will be the year of blaming astrology for even more of our problems. And to get this out of the way now, Mercury will be in retrograde this year from February 17th-March 10th, June 19th-July 12th, and October 14th-November 3rd. Plan accordingly. Here’s everything else you need to expect for your sign in this new astrological year in love, money, and health. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Aries

Better make sure that passport is up-to-date, because this is gonna be a huge travel year for you, Aries. You’re going to have multiple opportunities to explore this big blue dot of ours (aka hook up with people from different continents), so if you haven’t already set a 2020 Duolingo goal, get on it. This year is all about travel, study, and expanded horizons for you. Basically, it’s your Eat, Pray, Love year, but with more alcohol.

Love: Despite the fact that all the travel will be making it easy to acquire hoes in different area codes, you’re going to be way more focused on actual relationships than one-night stands. Update your dating app bios accordingly.

Money: This is the year you actually get serious about finances. You’ll be downloading budgeting apps. You’ll be opening investment accounts. You’ll be calling your rich uncle and asking him what the f*ck a 401(k) is.

Health: Hate to break it to you, but this isn’t the year for intense fitness goals. You’re gonna be wayyy too focused on cool sh*t that’s happening in your career to also be hitting the gym at 6am every day. Set modest, attainable goals to maintain your health and wellness, but don’t expect to be a fitness influencer this time next year.

Taurus

“Auuuummmm” – you in 2020. This will be a year that brings peace, calm, and serenity to your batsh*t crazy life. So yes, you will actually use your meditation app subscription and yes, you should start a fund specifically for buying crystals. You’re literally reading a horoscope right now, so you’re already halfway there.

Love: Can’t sugarcoat it, this could be a tough year for your love life, Taurus. But relationships that make it through will be the ones that were actually worth fighting for, like Allie and Noah in The Notebook.

Money: Can we say “financially stable”? Because that’s what you’ll be in 2020. Hard to believe you started the last decade with no credit card and $100 in savings, and now you’re flying on high on points and accruing interest on your five-year CD. We simply love to see it.

Health: This year you’ll be developing even better health and wellness practices, which will come in handy particularly when you’re feeling stuck at work. Nothing like a good sweat sesh to help finally build the motivation you need to send a single email.

Gemini

Who even are you, Gemini? This is the year you find out. 2020 will be all about figure out what the f*ck you want out of life, whether it be a house and a family, or a yacht and a sugar daddy named Paolo. No judgment.

Love: Don’t freak out, but this year your love life could actually be good, Gemini. Hard to believe I know, but in 2020 relationships of all kinds will just come more easily to you, particularly with people a little older than yourself. Can somebody say daddy?

Money: Still getting a monthly allowance from mom and dad? 2020 is the year that ends. This is a year of financial independence for Geminis. You can still stay on the family phone plan, tho.

Health: Keep an eye on those stress levels as you begin to advance in your career. Getting a project in before the deadline is cool and all, but you also have to remember to sleep and eat food. It’s kind of a vital part of remaining alive.

Cancer

Cancers are already amazing friends, but this year you’re going to be an ahhh-maaaaazing friend. As Cher Horowitz one said, “‘tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people.” You’ll be truly embodying that spirit in 2020 by being there for people when they need you. Just don’t forget to be a friend to yourself too.

Love: Boundaries, Cancer. Boundaries. This is the year you learn them. Hopefully not the hard way. On the bright side, this will also be a year of fun, flirtation, and general sexiness for Cancers, so at least you’ll have like, a million backup plans for when the boundary conversation goes sideways.

Money: You’re going to be able to bank some serious cash this year, but only if you up the focus and discipline by like, 1000%. You’ll be surprised how quickly cutting down on the Seamless in 2020 will lead to a three-week island vacay in 2021.

Health: This summer will bring a major glow-up, and the winter will bring you the motivation to actually get it done. Just don’t be one of those people who stories their entire workout and updates on their #fitnessgoals every day. That’s what a journal is for.

Leo

This year could pose a lot of challenges for your sign, Leo, but you’ll come out of it stronger than ever. Like when Simba watched his dad die and had to live in the woods for a few years before becoming King of the Jungle. Juuuust like that.

Love: Keep an eye out for people who kill your vibe but still find ways to get into your life (and your bed) anyway. In 2020 we’re not wasting any time on people we don’t like outside the hours of 1-5am. And remember, if you’re too embarrassed to tell your friends you’re still hooking up with him, he’s not the one.

Money: Proceed with caution, Leo! This year will bring a lot of financial opportunities, but you’re going to be wary of the liars and the scammers you meet along the way. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. And remember friends, any company that mentions “multi-level marketing” is just a pyramid scheme. Skip it.

Health: Are you up to date on all your doctor’s appointments? All of them? Really? This is the year you get serious about your health and wellness, including actually scheduling your six-month dental cleaning…every six months. And they said it couldn’t be done.

Virgo

Yass Virgo! You go (Glenn) Virgo! This is a year of empowerment, self-discovery, and just generally kicking ass for you, Virgo. You’ll be feeling momentum in all aspects of your life, but it’ll be important to stay grounded. You don’t want to be one of those people who gets verified on Insta and forgets all the little people.

Love: Your ideas about what you want in a relationship will change dramatically this year, so don’t be surprised if you see your usual “type” change too. For example, you might find yourself interested in someone who is gainfully employed, rather than just someone who is tall.

Money: You could actually benefit from taking some financial risks this year, Virgo. Don’t be afraid to invest in yourself or to go full boss bitch and start playing the stock market. Just don’t go full Wolf of Wall Street on us, k?

Health: With all the money moves you’ll be making this year, it’s no wonder it’ll be important to keep that stress and anxiety in check. Changes you make at the beginning of 2020 have the potential to grow into lifelong habits. So yeah, why not sign up for that 6am cycling class on Monday morning?

Libra

This will be a huge year for growing your relationships, Libra, whether they be romantic, personal, or professional. That’ll mean making some tough decisions about friendships you may have outgrown, and some much easier decisions about people you need to cut out of your life (Jessica).

Love: This year will be more about working on your existing relationships than forging new ones, so single Libras should look to people they already know to form a love connection. That doesn’t mean go buckwild and hit up all the exes on your Do Not Call list, but maybe that friend-of-a-friend you keep seeing at parties could grow into something more than just awkward eye contact.

Money: Stressors in other parts of your life are gonna make you want to splurge a little too much this year, so make sure you put some sh*t in place to hold yourself back. Remember: buying one bath bomb is self-care. Buying one hundred bath bombs is hoarder behavior.

Health: This is the year you get spiritual, Libra. Whatever that means to you. Maybe you’ll start going to church again (your mom will be so proud). Maybe you’ll invest in a good meditation app. Either way, you’re going to be focused on the health and wellness of your soul. I hear crystals can help with that.

Scorpio

2020 is all about major growth for you, Scorpio, so don’t be surprised if your life looks completely different one year from now. This will be a year of success in your professional life, so set those career goals and watch as you start meeting them. Who knows? There could be a Netflix series about your meteoric rise to stardom by 2021.

Love: Not to go all Emma Watson on you, but you might find yourself self-partnered this year. And that’s okay! There’s going to be so much going on in all the other aspects of your life you don’t have time to date. And before you ask, yes. That is exactly what the star of a rom-com says before meeting the love of her life in the unlikeliest of places.

Money: This will be a harvest year for you Scorpio, but don’t forget to save some of that extra cash for when you fall on hard times (aka anything that forces you to use the U.S. healthcare system). Set a savings plan for yourself ASAP, and then blow the rest of your money on whatever stupid sh*t your 2am Amazon scrolling provides.

Health: Your personal health and fitness will be on point this year, but you might be forced to step up to the plate and help with the health and wellness of someone else this year. I’m not saying become one of those people who tells your friends their brunch order is unhealthy (never be that person), but it can’t hurt to check in and make sure your Nana is taking her blood pressure medication.

Sagittarius

You know that part in every Disney movie where the heroine sings a song about assuming her place in the world? That’s you in 2020, Sagittarius. For The First Time in Forever you’re figuring out when you want something to be Part of Your World, and when to just Let it Go. Just Around the Riverbend, you’re going to be seeing How Far [You]’ll Go and realize your goals are Almost There. When will your Reflection—okay you know what I’m going to stop now.

Love: This is the year to take chances on love. Swipe right with abandon! Give your number to the hot bartender! Go to a second location with a man you just met whose car smells like iodine! Okay, actually on second thought, that last one will get you murdered.

Money: Be careful with joint ventures this year, even with people you trust. It’s not that your cousin is trying to scam you, but investing in their CBD detergent company might not be the best use of your resources in the year to come.

Health: Are we leaving the phrase “self-care” in 2019? Not a f*cking chance. You’re going to be looking inward a lot this year and really focusing on bringing yourself inner peace and happiness. In short: you will be investing in a weighted blanket.

Capricorn

The anti-aging cream has been working, Capricorn, because this year is all about reconnecting with your inner child. Think back to when you were a kid. Is there anything you used to love to do that you could reincorporate back into your life? Think a sport, a hobby, an instrument, or even just re-reading Harry Potter.

Love: You’re cruising for a summer fling this year, which does mean you might find yourself feeling pissed off and unappreciated through the winter. Don’t worry. This phase will pass just in time for you to have someone to take surprise beach trips with.

Money: 2020 will be a year for building assets, not splurging on major life-changing purchases. The money you save now will be a nest egg for something super important down the line, so maybe hold off on the Botox for another year or so. Your forehead can handle it.

Health: Look, 2020 is not gonna be the year you become a fitness guru. It’s just not. That’s not to say you can’t maintain healthy habits, but you can chuck any lofty goals you had about getting a six-pack by March out the window.

Aquarius

This year is going to test your ability to stay calm, Aquarius, so invest in an essential oil diffuser now. Yeah, you might find yourself wanting to tear your hair out at times, but the strength you build getting through the bullsh*t will make you a better person later on. Not that you’ll be able to remember that when you’re pissed off.

Love: This will be a year of letting go of relationships that don’t serve you, which includes exes whose numbers you should have blocked like, 2 years ago. Use the extra space make room for all the new, non-f*ckboys that will be lining up to get a place on your contact list.

Money: You might feel slightly restless in your career this year, but you’ll see your hard work pay off in major ways if you just stick with it a little longer. The confidence you build at the workplace will help draw new opportunities your way. Can somebody say promotion?

Health: You’re going to be drawn to all things woo-woo this year, so maybe start setting aside a monthly budget for Reiki now. You may find yourself interested in alternative medicine and holistic practices, which is all fine and dandy, unless you start telling relatives not to vaccinate their kids.

Pisces

This is a big year for you, Pisces! Your creativity is flowing and you’re ready to bust out of some of the toxic cycles and ruts that plagued you this past decade. Make sure to find a designated person who can help you work through some of the major changes you’ll go through this year. Most people call this a “therapist.”

Love: Before you can start any new relationships this year, you’re going to have to go back and really learn the lessons of years past. What do you like in a partner? What do you want to avoid? What are you willing to forgive just because they have a six-pack? All important questions you’ll have to answer before taking on a new relationship this year.

Money: Don’t be surprised if your career takes you somewhere you never expected to go this year, so follow new ventures and opportunities to wherever they may lead you. Remember, even Amazon started out as just an online bookstore.

Health: Making improvements to your diet and exercise routine will actually come easily to you this year, so don’t be afraid to set some ambitious health goals. That’s not to say you have to run a 5k tomorrow, but stepping your gym schedule up from 2 to 3 days a week wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Images: Matt Popovich / Unsplash; Giphy (12)