Image Credit: Columbia Pictures

I Love You, But I’d Rather Do Legit Anything Else Than Sleep In The Same Bed

I vividly remember the first time I had a ~sexy sleepover.~. I was 16, my mom thought I was at a friend’s house (shout-out to Alexa!), and I did absolutely zero sleeping with my crew-rowing boyf named Tyler. (Of course his name was Tyler, right?) Naturally, my parents found out and I was grounded for the next five years, but it was worth it because back then, the thought of sleeping in separate beds when you could sleep naked and intertwined with yOuR pErSoN seemed like a Shakespearean-level tragedy.

Granted, those were the days when early T. Swift songs were The Most Relevant Music Ever, and I dreamed of growing up and being allowed — nay, encouraged — to spend every single night with a real live guy. We could cuddle! We could laugh! We could have lots and lots of wild (read: missionary) sex and eat pizza in bed afterward, just like they do in the rom-coms! The height of adulthood!

And then I dated the same guy for seven years, got married, had a baby, and somewhere along the way, I realized sleeping in the same bed next to the same person night after night isn’t always sunshine and spooning (oh, and missionary sex? Not exactly wild). In fact, sometimes the thought of having separated beds might…actually…make…sense? And I’m not alone in thinking this! Even Cameron Diaz agrees marriage couples should have separate bedrooms

“We should normalize separate bedrooms,” Diaz shared on the podcast Lipstick on the Rim. “To me, I would literally, I have my house, you have yours. We have the family house in the middle. I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. I’m fine.”

So, is The Holiday star on to something? I say yes! And I won’t shut up until I’ve convinced you I’m right.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Touching On Your Terms

You know what happens when you’ve been with someone since before you had crow’s feet? The mere thought of them brushing their cold, dirty toes against your shins in the middle of the night makes you consider setting the bed on fire. Add in pets and/or kids, and by the end of the day, you’re likely so fucking touched out that you’d pay an exorbitant amount of money to have one single minute where someone isn’t pawing at you. I don’t mean you’re over the idea of sexual touch at bedtime. (But like, maybe?) I simply mean you want to go to sleep without someone groping your boobs, grabbing your ass, or breathing in your general direction. Sure, some people’s love language is physical touch, but those people clearly haven’t slept in the same bed with a partner whose body is like a furnace, and toenails are like razors. 

No Awk “Not Tonight” Convos

There’s nothing quite as uncomfy as the “should we have sex or just stare at the ceiling in heavy silence until one of us passes out?” dance that takes place between a couple before going to sleep. If one person’s in the mood and the other would rather eat glass, those moments pre-sleep are excruciating. The remedy? Two beds! Instead of one person wondering whether or not they’re going to Bonertown, the separation of sleeping space can make it very clear. If your S.O. crawls onto your mattress, it’s happening. If they’re snoring in their Twin XL by themselves, grab some lotion and cue up Bridgerton because you’re on your own. 

Hands Off My Shit

I’m not being dramatic when I say nothing makes a normally level-headed person consider ruining their partner’s life like having their bedding unceremoniously stolen in the middle of the night. One second, you’re warm and cozy, dreaming about hooking up with a Hemsworth, and the next, some asshole you’re sharing your life with is ripping the blankets off you, snatching your pillow, or encroaching on your three-fourths of the bed. You jolt awake. Your blood pressure skyrockets. And you’re filled with an indescribable fury that makes it impossible to fall back asleep. You’re left to glare at your partner’s sleeping form with repulsion and disgust until they wake up, and you get to berate them at breakfast. You give them the cold shoulder, they apologize, and the cycle repeats until one of you does the other a favor and finally dies with permanent bags under your eyes. 

Your Bed, Your Rules

Some people insist on showering before bed and washing their sheets twice a week. Others wait until their body oils have turned their blankets black and smell like a hamster cage. When you share a sleeping space with a partner, you have to agree on allllll the nighttime rules, such as who gets what pillows, when the lights are getting turned off, and whether or not your blankets have reached “these are too disgusting to wash, the CDC should study them” level. Are you allowed to eat in bed? Fart in bed? Scroll mindlessly until 2 a.m. while blue light burns your retinas in bed? Sleeping like the grandparents in Willy Wonka is a surefire way to find yourself filing for divorce over crumbs in the sheets. When you’ve got your own bed (and maybe even your own room), those little disagreements no longer exist, and instead, you can spend your time fighting about important things, like how rude your MIL is!

Better? Sleep?

Falling asleep is hard enough when your ADHD-riddled mind is constantly churning out random, unhelpful thoughts. What if my boss decides to fire me tomorrow? Remember when the Delta help desk person said, “Have a good flight,” and you said, “You too”? Where do ants go when it rains? Add another human into the mix, and the fact that anyone is getting any rest at all is astounding. If your partner goes to sleep later than you do, if they’re having a restless night, if their nose is squeaking for some wildly annoying reason, you miss out on precious REM. Instead of getting pissed that the love of your life is fucking up your circadian rhythm, take a page out of the ‘50s and get your own space. Sure, you’ll forget what it’s like to feel the comfort of someone holding your hand or rubbing your back in the middle of the night, but think of how well-rested you’ll be!

Separation Just Got Simpler

You know what makes breaking up hard? Wondering who’s gonna get the pricey Tempur-Pedic mattress or where the dog will sleep when you Eat, Pray, Love your way outta there. One easy solution to expediting the separation process is carving out your own space while you’re still together! That’s not to say every single couple that sleeps separately will break up. It’s just that…if you’re thinking of ending things, separate beds are a cute way to hint that your partner’s mere presence makes your skin absolutely crawl. Simply explain that they snore, order yourself a cute lil daybed bed from Amazon, and hide some dog bones in the sheets to ensure your pup picks you in the custody agreement. Sweet dreams!

Rachel Varina
Rachel Varina
Formerly one of the HBICs at Total Sorority Move (RIP), Rachel Varina has a long history of writing about things that make her parents ashamed. She's an avid lover of holding grudges, sitting down, and buffalo chicken dip. Currently, she lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. And even though she's married (with a *gasp* baby), she doesn't suck. Promise. PROMISE! Follow her on Instagram and Twitter (@rachelvarina) so she gets more followers than that influencer her husband dated in high school.