It is a complete Code Red in here. We have received word from Our Lord and Savior, Ms Taylor Alison Swift, that 1989 is being re-released in less than two months. On October 27, 2023, we will be graced with the album that truly cemented her place in music history and has since been a firm fixture of any bachelorette party.
This may seem like a lot of time, but it really isn’t. There is much to do before then and so little time to achieve it. So cancel any weddings, call in sick, and barricade your doors, it’s time to prepare for 1989 (Taylor’s Version).
1. Get A Terrible Haircut
This is the cross that we must bear for Taylor. Unfortunately, the 1989 era was marked by that infamous bob haircut. We all went through that phase, so I don’t blame Taylor in the slightest. But we must now re-enter that phase in order to properly prepare for the album. Avoid going to your usual salon, as they’ll try to talk you out of this drastic mistake. Instead, go anywhere with bad reviews so you can get the complete look. It’ll grow out in time for Reputation, I promise.
2. Form A Girl Squad
It was Taylor who first birthed the iconic Girl Squad in the era of 1989. Before then, no one had even uttered those words or imagined the possibility of a group of girls hanging out and posting dozens of group pics.
Make a group chat with any girls that will look good next to you in a photo but not threaten to steal the show. Plan themed meet-ups where you spend half the time taking group photos and posting them online. Make sure to share each other’s stories so people have to see the same photo at least half a dozen times.
3. Start A Petty Feud
You’ve got your Girl Squad, so now it’s time to start a petty feud. I’m talking a “Bad Blood”-level argument. It doesn’t need a good reason. All Katy did was book a backup dancer who had previously worked for Taylor. So the barista giving you almond milk instead of oat could work. Or that one friend that had to cancel brunch to take their cat to the vet. Just find someone to be outrageously mad at, post a bunch of cryptic tweets about it, and ensure your Girl Squad keeps retweeting them all.
Bonus points if you wear all black and an excessive amount of eyeliner to do this.
4. Wait To Date
Contrary to popular belief, 1989 is not an album of breakups. If you’re heart is broken, head straight to Red and don’t pass Go. Instead, 1989 is about the glorious period of singledom that every woman in her twenties must embrace, either willingly or by a lack of swipes on Tinder. 1989 then dips its toe into the exciting promise of new love.
So don’t rush into a relationship too soon before the release of 1989 because you’ll risk a breakup. You can’t listen to 1989 with a broken heart as you’ll lack the youthful optimism required to believe ‘This Love’ and ‘Wildest Dreams’. Aim to begin dating at the start of October so you’ll still be in the Honeymoon phase for the release, and then dump them whenever.
5. Buy Red Lipstick
Head straight to your nearest Sephora and buy whatever red lipstick is on discount. Preferably matte, as you’re going to be wearing this a lot. Wake up and apply the red lipstick. Get out of the shower and reapply the red lipstick. No matter what moment of the day or night it is, you need to be wearing that red lipstick. It should be almost finished by the time 1989 is released.
6. Move To New York
How can you sing “Welcome to New York” if you’re not even in the Big Apple yourself? So give your notice, pack your bags, and move to New York. None of us can afford to live there, no one but Taylor can, but these are the sacrifices we have to make for her art. You’ll get to live in the city that inspired one of the best pop albums of all time, so what does it matter if you can’t afford hot water? You can still be “Clean” in cold water.
7. Get an Alice in Wonderland tattoo
Look, I know that Alice in Wonderland tattoos are kind of tacky by now, and even Dianna Agron got hers removed, but this is just something you have to do as a Swiftie. You can’t listen to “Wonderland” without a tattoo to pensively stroke at the same time.
If you’re a fake fan, you’ll go for some easy cursive quote like “to get to Wonderland she had to fall” or “we’re all a little mad here.” But if you just get a little rabbit, please don’t even bother opening Spotify on release day.
Ideally, you’ll go all-in with a large Alice or Mad Hatter, and have it somewhere prominent. These are simply the things we have to do as Swifties.
8. Take Polaroid Photos Of Yourself
You can buy Polaroid cameras just about anywhere nowadays, and you should be familiar with how they work after that one phase in college. Get a camera and start snapping away. But don’t take proper photos where you can see what’s going on. These need to be ARTSY. So if it’s a shot of a friend, it shouldn’t contain their face. If it’s a selfie, make sure only your mouth and nose are visible — ARE YOU WEARING THAT RED LIPSTICK?
9. Start Rumors With Your Bestie
We all have a bestie that we’re slightly too intimate with, perhaps even jokingly calling one another “wifey”. Well, it’s time to take this friendship to town. Have photos taken of the two of you looking cozy with cryptic captions like “I don’t want you like a best friend” or “I want your midnights”.
10. Go To A 1975 Concert
Can you call yourself a 1989 girlie without going to a 1975 concert? Grab a bestie (preferably the one you’re rumored to be dating) and head to one of their concerts. Don’t worry, they’re touring the U.S. in September and October, so you won’t need to go that far.
At this concert, get ridiculously drunk and be photographed by the paparazzi. If there are none around, yell at anyone close to you with a phone in their hand.
Bonus points if you end up dating a member of the band seven years from now.
Please print the below calendars so you do not forget any of the above.