Welcome to the 2024 BravOlympic Games! I’m Betch Costas, here to do what a betch does best: judge people for their behavior from the comfort of my home, ideally with a cold beverage in hand. What we’re about to revel in today is the purest form of athleticism in the forum where, frankly, it matters most: reality television. The reality landscape is not one for the weak. Athletes of all ages, from far and wide around the globe, strive to dazzle us with their professionally trained shit-stirring skills, year after year.

Lately, we’ve seen serious trade between leagues (one of our favorite Vanderpump MVPs re-signed with Team Love Island), miraculous comebacks from injured players on the pause bench, and even some unpredictable free agencies that were sent into early retirement. We hear the voices of fired-up fans, roaring from their rot couches, for more contracts to be reevaluated after spectacular disappointment with the 2024 stats from once-great contenders who are tanking their legacy. But today we’re focusing on the glory, guts, and gut punches of those who aren’t afraid to cry or blackout on camera (or often both). These Bravoletes represent the height of the game, and it’s only right we come together to honor them for their craft. Welcome to the BravOlympics. Racers, grab your cocktails and take your mark. Game on.

Welcome to the 2024 BravOlympics

100m Dash Away From The Drama

Bravo Olympics Ariana Madix Rachel Fuda Heather Dubrow — Image Credit: Betches

Lining up at the starting line, our runners knew they had a few world records to break in dodging bullshit if they wanted to oust Salt Lake jeweler, bathtub diver, and the mother of a tracksuit designer, Meredith Marks. Meredith was on pace to make a new PR this season, until one Greek princess by the name of Angela Katsanevas and an internet scammer moonlighting as Reality Vontease put Meredith and her huzzbund center stage. This made room for twinkle-toed Rachel Fuda’s trademark Jersey escape and Heather Dubrow’s general austere champagne glare to potentially edge out Meredith’s lack of disengagement. But what a stunning finish! Ariana Madix upset the entire competition by refusing to humor classic narcissistic ex-boyfriend behavior for a storyline. She sprinted all the way to Fiji, creating a new world record.

10,000m Backstroke Through The Bullshit

Bravo Olympics Shannon Beador Lindsay Hubbard Jen Pedranti — Image Credit: Betches

On the other hand, some of our Bravoletes’ main events consist of planting themselves in the drama and navigating accordingly. As historians of the sport, we have to acknowledge, this area of competition is one of thee most difficult on the athlete long term. We see a lot of burnout here, including some unprecedented ego spirals that top experts in the league are still attempting to unpack. This year, in another landslide win, Shannon Beador clinches her title once again. Shannon’s taken this category for the majority of her career since her entry into the arena nine seasons ago between a chilling marriage, a torturous divorce, and now a single white female campaign from her creepy ex’s cringy new girlfriend. Our girl has quite literally never not been going through it, so the gold was never far from her hands, but Lindsay Hubbard’s show of sheer force at the Summer House reunion, effortlessly surviving a seven-on-one pile-on WHILST PREGNANT, got her a hard-earned second. Rounding out the podium for Bronze is Jennifer Pedranti. Crying to her parents on camera about paying her bills while continuing to film with her cheating ex-fiance? A round of applause for the league’s toughest performers.

Balance Beam Between Friends

Bravo Olympics Captain Kerry Jenna Lyons Taleen — Image Credit: Betches

Now this is typically an event that draws a lot of critical eyes. Our competitors must dance the fine line between hearing everyone out and playing both sides with unparalleled artistry. This year delulu legend Scheana Shay was an Olympic hopeful, but she unfortunately didn’t even make it past trials. In an unusual twist, Taleen from the delightful Team Dubai and the rookie, Captain Kerry, from Below Deck have actually tied thanks to Taleen’s graceful shimmy past Brooks’ manipulation and Kerry’s deft ability to leapfrog over Frasier’s biased bullshit and land on both feet. Jenna Lyons of Team RHONY squeaked in Bronze, mostly because everyone still wants to shop from her wardrobe.

Team Volleying Of Insults Back And Forth

Bravo Olympics RHOSLC James Kennedy — Image Credit: Betches

What a match, folks. We all know this is an area traditionally dominated by the total pros from Atlanta, where reading isn’t a relaxing hobby, it’s a contact sport. The hall of fame rivalries between the likes of Kenya and Phaedra, or Lenethia and Kandi are the unforgettable examples of athleticism and sportsmanship we hope to see return to their courts for season 16. However, this year the southern belles were overdue from a reorg from their GM, so Team RHOSLC brought it home between neck-snapping back and forths between allstars Monica, Lisa, Angie, Meredith, and recently un-retired wild card, Miss Mary Cosby. A solo MVP award was rightfully bestowed upon James Kennedy for improving banger lines like “forget history, rewrite history, and have fun with your fucking band,” though no one else could keep up with his level of skill.

Synchronized Bestie Duet

Bravo Olympics Katie Ariana Gizelle Robyn Zack Wickham Kristen Doute — Image Credit: Betches

As commentators and as spectators this is what we really love to see right? It’s the heart of the game! Aggression in the ring is what urges us to tune in, but falling in love with our GOATs is what keeps us coming back season after season, right? It feels like in recent seasons the league is missing some of that Ramonja, vintage Dr. Jackie and Dr. Simone bestie flavor that once had us choking on our martinis in laughter, but the BravOlympics weren’t totally out of luck, not at all.

Taking home the bronze is an unexpected duo, Kristen Doute and Zack Wickham. Neither of them is perhaps the most loveable in the league, but when their team turned on them, they turned to each other. Let’s hope Team Valley learned in the off-season: respect our legends. Silver gets awarded to a memorable final performance from The Blue Eyed Bandits of Potomac, Robyn, and Gizelle, who were always friends first, coworkers second. Finally, an astounding gold was awarded to the well-deserved bestie display by true friends and sandwich pioneers Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney. May we know a Katie, may we be an Ariana.