While everyone is running around desperate to find the perfect New Year’s Eve outfit, I’m more concerned with what the American Girl Dolls plan to wear to the holiday party this year. Because I know these historical bitches don’t hold back.
Apparently, the twins are celebrating the new millennium. Yes, I’m referring to the ‘90s historical American Girl Dolls, who are determined to mock millennials within an inch of our lives. (I can’t wait for American Girl to torment Gen Z with a tongue that literally will not stay in their little doll mouth 😜.)
But Isabel and Nicki aren’t the only dolls celebrating this year. From 1920s Harlem to 1960s Daytona Beach, the AG dolls are ready for a good time — whether dressed for it or not. So, if you are also actively avoiding spending your precious paycheck on last-minute holiday gifts, please enjoy this betchy ranking of American Girl Doll holiday looks from terrible to bearable.
11. Festive Sequins Holiday Outfit
What in the 2010s fresh hell is this? The non-stop sequins! The faux-fur shrug! And I just know there’s a side part under that beret. The only thing that would worsen this outfit is if it was peplum instead of a halter top and came with a statement necklace. Sorry, girlie, you’re going home with a full-body sequin rash. And for what? Last place.
10. Y2K New Year’s Eve
First of all, twins have always creeped me out, so they’re not starting strong. However, I admit that I appreciate their commitment to the bit. You know, the whole “I’m my own person, so I dress the exact opposite to the person who I shared a womb with for nine months.” Unfortunately for them, I’m not falling for it. They will be judged as a duo.
Let’s start with Isabel, the preppy blonde who isn’t afraid to “stand out from the crowd.” Because other girls would never dare to wear an A-line skirt — it’s far too original. And those butterfly clips! I’ve never seen anyone wear bugs as a hair accessory. Being so unique is a full-time job.
On the other side of the uterus is Nicki, an edgier version of her sister. She’s into alternative rock and skateboarding and probably says things like, “I’ve always gotten along better with guys.” Paired with her undead eyes, her red vinyl dress is a straight-up murder outfit. It’s the perfect material to wipe blood off her hands once she strangles Elizabeth Holmes for her turtleneck.
9. Maryellen’s Sledding Outfit
This is such a try-hard outfit. The betch brought a bonnet to go motherfucking sledding. I’ll give Maryellen some credit for the red ribbon tie (at least she’s on trend!). But I draw the line at suspenders — how extreme is her sledding?! Maryellen grew up in Daytona Beach, so she’s clearly that friend who has never seen snow and makes it their whole personality. My bad, technically Maryellen’s whole personality revolves around how she used to have polio. So, I guess she’s grateful to spend time outside the iron lung. Cute rainboots!
8. Melody’s Doo-Wop Dress-Up Outfit
What is this flapper nonsense? I thought we all agreed to leave Gatsby-themed NYE parties in 2015. Good luck getting Cheeto stains out of those white elbow-length gloves when you find no one to kiss at midnight.
7. Fun on the Slopes Travel Outfit
This betch refers to herself as a “snow bunny” unironically. She’s been wintering in Vail for as long as she can remember, yet somehow spends all her time in a hot tub. If you got an invitation to her annual holiday party, you know the theme is “après-ski” again. Of course no one knows what the fuck she’s talking about, but none of her friends complain because she pays them in hard cash. It’s not her fault that 99% of the population is poorer than her!
6. Claudie’s Winter Coat
Whoever told Claudie that her color is mint green is not her friend. The faux wool beret on her head is giving Bernard the elf in The Santa Clause. Did growing up during the Harlem Renaissance do nothing for Claudie’s fashion sense?! Street-style photographers of yore are rolling in their graves.
5. Shimmering Silver Holiday Outfit
What in the Lord-of-the-Rings-fuck is this outfit? No, this dress didn’t debut at the height of Game of Thrones popularity. It’s somehow a 2023 limited edition collector’s outfit. Besides that one friend in Queens who is convinced she’s a witch, who is this outfit for?! At the very least, it comes with a goddamn cape and arm cuff, which means it’s Coachella-approved. It holiday bundle also includes ugly cotton underwear (?!), which can double as period panties, I guess. (Shout out to American Girl’s The Care and Keeping Of You, where I first learned about the menstrual cycle.)
4. Winter Magic Outfit
Samantha called and wants her aesthetic back, bitch. The fur muff!!! And matching earmuffs! I’m sorta devastated that the original Nepo baby wasn’t available for this photo shoot. Credit where credit is due, I would wear the shit out of those satin-strapped Mary Janes. Unfortunately, the fur collar is too over the top to be considered “old money.” And Samantha wouldn’t be caught dead outside of the Upper East Side. Enjoy 4th place, yuppie.
3. Pop of Plaid
It’s giving androgynous bartender at a piano bar. It’s giving Cate Blanchett in Tár. It’s giving Timothée Chalamet in Wonka. Yet, it is simultaneously the exact vest I wore to my sixth-grade orchestra concert. Would I spend my entire paycheck on that exact scarf at Ralph Lauren? Probably. Would I wear it with a clown bow tie? Probably not. This outfit is 3rd place because I honestly don’t know how I feel about it — even after staring at it for a scary amount of time. But yes, I would let this doll call me.
2. Toy Soldier Doll Outfit
To be honest, this steampunk outfit kinda slaps. Imagine showing up to the Nutcracker performance in THIS! Sure, you block the view of everyone sitting behind you, but it’s totally worth it if you’re invited on stage to dance with rats or sugar plums or whatever.
1. Crimson Sparkle Sweater Dress
Admittedly, this monochrome fit is something I’d actually wear. It also feels like something Taylor Swift would wear in her “Red” era. (Taylor Swift and I are basically the same person — we both love caring for golden retriever boyfriends.) Plus, I’ll never give up the chance to pair a cable-knit sweat with a poofy tulle skirt (despite some mild childhood ballerina trauma). Congrats on being the best dressed, betch! Remember to drink lots of water at the holiday party because, speaking as a friend, it’s very hard to get puke stains out of tulle.
