We're Almost Positive We Know Who The New Bachelorette Will Be

Now that the most boring Bachelor season ever is coming to a close, it’s time for us to celebrate the happy couple scrub that dumpster fire from our minds and focus on more uplifting things. Like the next bachelorette! Let me just warn you now, there are spoilers from The Bachelor finale ahead. So if you are the only person in America who doesn’t know what’s going down tonight, do not read any further. But please do come back tomorrow because I sacrificed my sleep for all of you to go into a deep dark Reddit hole and get the scoop. It was not pretty, and now neither am I. You’re welcome. Here are the contenders for the new Bachelorette.

1. Becca K.

Let’s get this obvious choice out of the way. Reality Steve says Becca K will be the new Bachelorette. As us spoiler-fiends know, on tonight’s finale, Arie picks Becca as his winner and proposes. Then, because Arie is actually just a middle-aged version of every fuckboy I’ve ever dated, he decides to break off the engagement with Becca and get back with Lauren B., presumably because he’s sick of banging Becca. Arie, I don’t think Jean Valjean would be very proud of you.

So, Arie, look what you made Becca do. She now has a great story for The Bachelorette. All of America will be on her side, and after being forced to watch an irrelevant race car driver attempt to look cool in leather jackets all season, America needs a new Bachelorette we can get behind. Honestly, the only way it won’t be her is if she says no or if ABC can find someone with a bigger sob story. So I guess it doesn’t matter that she’s about as memorable as her last few dates.

I literally have no memory of any of these dates. Either Becca’s dates are at the point of the evening when I get up for my second bottle of wine, or I should consult a doctor.

2. Tia

If Becca is maimed in an accident says no, Tia is definitely the close second. As my friends on the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia is NOT The Bachelorette” say, she was practically auditioning for the job at Women Tell All. They all think that because Chris Harrison kept asking if she was ready to find love again, ABC was trying to establish Tia as an option.

Honestly, I don’t hate this idea. I feel like Tia is way more interesting than they made her out to be on the show. She is from a town called Weiner! On her first night she legit asked the lamest Bachelor of all time if he had a small weiner. He managed not to burst into embarrassed flames solely because Tia was so cool about it. She’s also friends with Raven, who once beat her cheating boyfriend with a stiletto. Not that that says everything about Tia’s character, but one time my friend crashed an ex’s wedding in a white dress, and I’m not saying I’d do that but I’m also not not saying I’d do that, ya know? It’s about having the same spirit. So basically, I’d love to see Tia beat eat 25 Bachelorette contestants alive. Please excuse me while I create the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia IS The Bachelorette.”

New Bachelorette Tia

When Tia hears they’re actually picking Becca as the new Bachelorette

3. Kristina

Now we’ve entered the wild card portion of the article. Kristina was a contestant on Nick Viall’s season, the guy in the turtleneck speaking with a lisp. You know the one.

Nick Viall

Never forget.

Kristina then appeared on last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, where she immediately formed a relationship with Deanie Babies. Dean did her wrong, though, and was two-timing her on the show and then again after the show. This poor Russian orphan cannot catch a break. Kristina has a great back story (the orphan thing), is beautiful, and has a voice that’s only slightly more grating than Nick’s. If I know anything about ABC, it’s that they love to exploit the tragedy of their leads for more viewers. It’s a shame one of her adoptive parents hasn’t recently died, then she’d really be a lock.

4. Amanda Stanton

My final guess for the new Bachelorette is teen mom single mom Amanda Stanton. Let’s start with the important facts. Amanda has one of the largest Instagram followings of former Bachelor contestants. Which means people like her, and she has great hair from all those SugarBearHair vitamins. She also has two kids, which could be played for maximum drama throughout the season. I frequently re-watch the episode where Kinsley and Charlie shade the fuck out of Ben Higgins. There’s nothing better than when you look into the eyes of a child and all you see is darkness. It makes for great TV. Amanda also has the franchise’s ideal body type—really fucking skinny. Can’t go wrong.

I will admit I have an ulterior motive for presenting Amanda as an option though. Look at this DOG.

I deserve that pup on my screen every week and so do you. Amanda it is.

Images: Giphy (2), Amanda Stanton, Kristina Schulman, Becca Kufrin / Instagram