I won’t lie—I fell into a pretty serious rabbit hole of bad sex advice while researching this. And somewhere around the Men’s Health column that called the vagina a “mysterious pleasure organ”, I came to the conclusion that men should be banned from the written word, but more importantly, that most bad sex advice has one thing in common: someone is severely overthinking it. I totally get it; from my research alone, I already feel I’ve exhausted all possible contortions of the human body. (I’m also obsessively Googling “how flexible is the average woman” but that’s neither here nor there.) But no matter how hard you’re trying to spice up your love life, some sex positions just aren’t worth it. Read on for my list of completely absurd positions you should never attempt (no matter how far into a 30-day “revive your relationship” challenge you are).
“The View” was recommended by Cosmo and it’s like reverse cowgirl, but way harder (hooked yet?). Instead of JUST straddling your partner, you fully lie down. Now that you have some nice boob-on-calf action going (my fave), you’re meant to begin “pretty much twerking.” Yes, while lying down. And yes, this is “the view” the name of this sex position is referencing. That of your partner watching you desperately try to heave your ass a few inches into the air while all gravity and logic defies you. (You could sneak your hands and feet onto the ground for leverage, but that’s just a push up.) Basically, twerking standing up in a cool, dry room was already my nightmare. Twerking lying down naked with a dick inside me is a little much.
Yeah, I can’t do anything like this:
You know when you see a spider and you’re like “ooh that’s hot, let’s name a sex position after it”? Well, the good people of Men’s Health have you covered. You and your partner crab walk toward each other until your genitals are appropriately entwined. Then you guys rock back and forth, while still balancing on your hands and feet. My main issue with this (other than the set-up it requires), is how very gently you’ll need to rock. If there’s a dick involved, it seems like more than a few inches would cause the whole thing to collapse. Also, Men’s Health cites one of the benefits of this position as “you both can still maintain eye contact.” Because who doesn’t love adding prolonged eye contact to some very controlled thrusting? At least the eye contact will make it easier for your partner to see the fear in your eyes.
Bonus: Women’s Health’s version of this recommends that you slide ice cubes down your partner’s torso. You know, so that the freezing water POOLS WHERE YOU MEET. This is the most traumatized I’ve been envisioning freezing water since the first time I saw Titanic.
You would kind of hope Women’s Health would have more realistic sex positions than Men’s Health, but here we are. X-Factor is missionary—now make it sexy terrible. Instead of aligning your bodies to have both heads in the same general area (way too boring, am I right), your partner lies on top of you so that you form the letter X. Since the important parts are still mashing together, I guess that’s where the sex is taking place. (Though with a P-in-V situation, I feel like either the P or V would need to have a significant curve.) This seems like a fun position for mouthing “how’s it going over there” as your partner valiantly strives to balance on top of you and all the blood rushes to their unsupported head. Also, if you’re only turned on by one side of your partner’s body, then this is the move for you. It doesn’t seem like a fun position for orgasms, avoiding chafing, or any other of my admittedly low-key sex goals.
This is just an even more fucked-up version of everyone’s favorite pile driver position. That’s where you assume the plow pose (ass up, legs overhead, uncomfortable amount of weight on your neck), and then your partner lowers down on said ass and bangs you from above. We’ve already mentioned the damage this is likely to do to your neck, but pause for a second and truly imagine it. In the Spread Eagle variation recommended by Refinery29, you spread your legs wide from this position. As a plus, you could definitely hurt yourself so badly that you’re not allowed to go to the gym for several months. And it does seem like a sick deal for the partner on top (Refinery29 notes that they don’t have to do “that much work, just hold [themselves] up”). But the partner on the bottom who’s tearing both inner thigh muscles and slowly feeling their head separate from their body can’t be loving this.
Again, my body cannot do this:
Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is totally your right, obviously. But in the interest of safety and not being a complete fucking weirdo, probably skip the above sex positions. Good luck out there.
Images: Giphy (4); David Hofmann / Unsplash