For some reason, people like to experiment with a lot of weird sex positions. I mean, wtf, missionary is just not good enough for you, idk? But they want to overcomplicate shit and invent bizarre things that are not only not at all fun, but also complex, painful, and icky. Who exactly has sex this way? Are you telling me there are people who are down for things like this with people they don’t know? And if you’re in a relationship, you’re excited to do things that don’t even make any logical fucking sense and ruin your sheets? Idk, I don’t get it. Regardless, these below weird sex positions exist, so somebody either is doing them, or thought them up just to troll people like me. But, for the record, I’m not convinced people actually really do this shit. This list is brought to you by Urban Dictionary, and also, my nightmares.
1. Superman (That Ho)
First of all, FIRST OF ALL, are you aware this song was written by a child? A 17-year-old child? K. On that note, Soulja Boy adamantly defends this is not what the song means. I didn’t even know that this is what people think it is, but apparently, supermaning that ho (sidenote: a woman interested in sex is always a ho? Why exactly?) means having anal sex with a woman and orgasming on her back and the sheets get stuck to her, thus looking like a cape. Okay, I feel like this would never happen. 1) Why would it matter whether the sex is anal or vaginal? 2) Exactly how much cum would be needed to physically attach a sheet to someone’s back? and 3) Whose first instinct after orgasming is to stick a sheet on someone and let it chill there, and not just wipe that shit off? Nobody’s, that’s who. Not believing that this actually happens and also, it does sound like something a child who really isn’t having sex with actual women would make up.
2. The Bridge
This is the one where a man bends backwards on the ground, like feet and hands on ground, back arched like you did in middle school gymnastics, and the woman sits on top. I mean, realistically, unless you’re fucking Thor, how long can he possibly stay like this—not to mention, support someone else’s weight on top of him in this position? So cool, it lasts about three seconds. Great job, men. As if you haven’t disappointed us enough. Also, the collision when he inevitably falls must be super fun. I can literally visualize the hospital trip.
3. The Rowboat
Okay, let me paint you a picture. You sit with your legs up and bent, like when you do abs workouts (if you’re doing them correctly). A man also does this. Somehow the P goes in the V. It’s like, the worst and least attractive handshake via legs because really, the angle alone isn’t pretty. This seems like a really great way to accidentally squash a ball and ensure your man is sterile. Otherwise, I can’t imagine a use for this.
4. The Downstroke
This is fucking hilarious. A man stands up and holds his lady upside down, and he somehow penetrates her this way. So, like, if his arms inevitably get tired because you don’t weigh 98 pounds, he not only risks dropping you on your fucking head, but also his dick is still inside you, meaning a broken dick situation and, yet again, hospital trip. I’m going to highly suggest that you do not fucking do this.
5. The Helicopter
K, guy and girl both lying on the ground facing down, ass to ass, yet somehow there is penetration. Unless your guy has a very crooked penis, I’m very unclear as to how this is achieved without injury. I’m gonna go ahead and say don’t do it. It shouldn’t be done. It isn’t done. No one does this. If someone says they do this, they are lying. All I have to say is WHAT the ACTUAL fuck.