If last night's Real Housewives of Bev Hills taught us anything it's that perfecting your fake cry is an extremely important thing to do, that Bravo has a very fucking large asterisk next to the word “real,” and lastly that you don't ever have to look for “funny” as an attribute in your future husband, all you need to do is hire Taylor's medium. FATHER! NO FATHER! YES FATHER! SETTLEMENT! I was crying-laughing so hard during that scene that my computer trackpad now has water damage. “Later I'll tell you the truth about Princess Diana.” Someone please get me this bitch's number.
Back to the fake cry that was Taylor having minor convulsions while on the phone with her lawyer. Speaking of her lawyer, is it necessary to invite him to all dinner dates? More importantly, what will she do without TWO of her Birkins? I mean, this woman may as well hang herself now.
Too soon Just in time? When the lawyer was like “these people want your wedding ring and one more thing… I don't know how to put this….” I thought he was going to say “your daughter.” Now that my frenemies, would make for good TV.
And finally, Bravo pulled the shadiest fucking move last night with that casual segue into Lisa's spinoff. They lied to you, to me, and to my DVR. I mean I didn't NOT watch Vanderpump Rules, and I didn't not squirm while slut Scheana compared herself to Britney / moaned into a mic, and I didn't not spend an hour trying to figure out whom Stassi reminds me of. I still haven't figured it out by the way so if anyone has any idea please let me know, my brain hurts, fuck.
“I worked too hard for this zip code to give up my Birkins that are probably fake now!”
-2: The morning you got the tortured phone call about the bad man stealing your wedding ring, was I the only one to notice this or did you look really weird? You kind of looked like you have been practicing crying for the past 20 minutes…
+10: That medium. I mean she's no Allison DuBois, but fuck if I wasn't laughing just as hard. She kind of reminds me of the freak Persian Priestess Shah, Asa. Minus the hairy brows.
“Money doesn't give you class, but Lisa gave me money to have this talk with Scheana”
+7: “Faye…chick with a dick.” Touché.
+1: Alright, stop calling Scheana a starfucker, Eddie Cibrian is not a star.
-2: I love you but it's become apparent that you've fallen victim to the syndrome plaguing the vast community of botoxed women commonly known as “Hot woman, Ugly crier.”
“I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, and you all fucked up the unveiling of my beautiful dining room, because that's REALLY why we had this dinner party”
+1: Sorry but I really love your pant-situation. Let's call it a pantuation.
+2: Loving the move to invite your friend with the commendable botox to do “yoga” as a means of talking shit aka piss off your yoga instructor. “Let's forget about all the bullshit you're talking about and go into warrior 2.”
-4: Okay so I don't get it, did you like, tell Faye she was on this show? That bitch has a serious stick up her ass, or maybe she tucked a little too deep.
“Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also forcing my employees to wear loin cloths as their uniform”
+2: Ugh LISA, you're boring me. Do you do anything anymore other than facilitate other people's fights and make sex jokes? No? Okay we're fine with that.
“I'm a man hehe”
+1: While sitting in Paul's office testing exfoliants, Adrienne talks about how Brandi destroyed her marriage. “Paul and I are testing a skincare line….it's called Le Divorce.”
“I like to have fun, and to me fun means talking shit about my children to their faces, telling them I thought they were lesbians when they wanted to play volleyball, and cooking pasta for my family of course!”
-10: I seriously hate you. Your husband hates you, your kids hate you and your horses definitely hate you. You're one of those scary sneaky bitches who would make poison from your flowers in your garden to kill people. Kids, I wouldn't eat that Bolognese if I were you.
And finally, Kim:
…Been going to cigar clubs. hahahha, +2000 for the laugh.