So last night on RHOBH Adrienne and Lisa had a really awkward 15 minute conversation about how “being friends is so much better than being like, not friends.” Whether it was Bravo's editing or pure eloquence, Adrienne was able to get out a bunch of words that took the form of what we'd like to call sentences but erred on the side of spontaneous spurts of noise. We both are…busy people, you..shoes.. me…child… I'M SORRY…you're beautiful… uhhh.
During the second half of the episode Kim organized a lovely trip to Ojai in order to bring all the
besties paid cast of season 3 RHOBH together because Bravo did it for her and told her to pretend it was her idea. And surprise! We have to share twin beds. Clearly the producers thought it would be mad funny to see these grown women run down hallways tripping each other over who wants the bigger room. Surprisingly enough, the only drama we got out of the twin bed splitsies sitch was Adrienne, newfound catty bitch extraordinaire, talking shit that Lisa took the big room last time so Adrienne's getting the big room this time. SUCK ON THAT aayyaya. But Adrienne lost because freak-show Yolanda got her own room.Oops!
Yolanda – “I like to have fun, but I don't play games because I have a huge stick up my ass and too much movement would be painful.” -4
-3: Yolanda and her son Anton rejoice at Anton's buzz cut. Then Yolanda kisses him on the mouth, setting him up for many years of bullying and being called a mother fucker. But don't worry she can afford the therapy, my house is beautiful, enormous, and amazing, I built it, have you seen it?
-2: It's one thing to know you're better than everyone else but it's quite another to say it out loud. My husband has a concert so I'll fly in later. Why do you have to go to his fucking concert, did he even invite you? [“YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US” – Yolanda's husband]
+1: Upon pulling up to Ojai: “What a cute my house. It's sort of like my house. Except it's not as nice. Because my house is exquisite. Have you seen it?”
Kim – “Life is a journey and I'm finding that my meds may be a little bit too strong.” +3
+1: Kim and Yolanda would make a perfect pair…both just not on this planet.
+3: Where did you find this house? I swear Marissa Cooper and Ryan were going to pop out of the kitchen any minute.
-2: Stop fucking crying. Brandi was clearly drunk bonding with you (does drunk bonding work one way? I guess if you're just as sedated with pills) no need to bring up how hurtful it was when she called you a meth head. Get over it, it was sooo last season. +20 if next week you beat the shit out of Adrienne, physically or emotionally.
+1: To Brandi: Yeah my kids hate you.
Brandi – “Money doesn't give you class, it just gives you money, and divorce doesn't give you money either, just a drug addiction and a book deal.” +12
+3: Your book is called “It's Divorce, Not Cancer” …that's like the least sensitive title in the world.
+5: Actually, your book sounds exactly like ours…. I partied all day, I took pills, I partied again
+2: Hearing she has best boobs ever from her gay book agent is the highlight of Brandi's mid-afternnon wine binge.
+1: For getting Lisa on your side
+2: “Is that a wrinkle on my thumb!?” Imagine if Brandi's biggest insecurity was her thumb like Ugh I can't wear this dress my thumb looks so fat, a thumb to a hand is like a chode to a penis.
+1: On her ex-husband's vow renewal. “Ha, they're renewing after one year?! That's bullshit, I mean it's def a publicity stunt. What a joke, like definitely just for the pictures… I wish them the best.”
-2: Question, why are you chilling hard with Kim's daughters ?
Camille – “Hey I'm Camille and I don't know if I'm on this show or not but here are the measurements of boyfriend's big penis” +4
+3: When arriving at the house in Ojai, “Omggg I hope after my settlement I could afford something like this.”
+1: For making sure everyone knows that you are getting laid.
Lisa – “Life isn't all diamonds and rose, but it's also about making bitches cry.” +7
+2: Adrienne: You look beautiful …. Lisa: Ditto
+3: “I don't mean to make her nervous, that much.” Your stare down with Adrienne was epic, you drank some wine, squinted at her really intensely, got hit on..by her, and forced her to apologize to you, all in one sitting!
+2: Lisa clearly has a thing for awkwardly nurturing poor people. Is Brandi the hotter straight version of Cedric? Brandi: I feel like a lady! … Lisa: Just keep your knees together and your mouth closed and we're in business.
+1: To Brandi: You deserve cellulite then it'll give you something legitimate to worry about.
-1: Why were you sitting spread eagle in the limo? You're classy but like, take your own advice and keep them together. It's one thing to occasionally let Ken slip in there but another to let the entire country take a peek.
Kyle – “I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town and my daughter who can't drive will most definitely be allowed to drive 100 in my Maserati, I'm a cool mom.”
+2: “When Alexia gets her license I'm going to be a lot more bored.”
-1: Kyle, stop crying about your kids growing up EVERY episode. It's called time, it passes.
Adrienne – “Know your friends, show your enemies that you care way too much.” -5
-5: We're so over your immature catty shit. You were calm and wise and chill during the first season and now you're on Taylor's level of annoying. Maybe your impending divorce is putting you into a spin, perhaps you're scared about the fate of your face once Paul leaves and takes away your free touch-ups and biannual face lifts. Whatever it is, either have a breakdown or shut the fuck up.