Sexts and Subtext with Head Pro

This week on Sexts and Subtext: Just a little teaser until we get going again next week. Fuck you, I’m still hungover from Monday night.

Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy on Halloween, he is tall, personable, smart, interesting and hot – basically the guy who is in every girl’s wet dream.  I am also a catch, maybe not the girl in every guy’s wet dream fantasy, but I know guys are into me because I get asked out all the time. 

The second time we saw each other, we had the fun conversation about sex…how many partners, what we liked, what we wanted, etc.  Now would be a good time for me to mention, that he is basically a man whore.  He has a “bullpen” filled with three girls who he has on call for sex when he is too lazy to pick up a new girl at a bar.  I, on the other hand, am a horny girl who does not want a boyfriend, or a guy who I have to talk to everyday and have an emotional relationship with.  Basically I want a friend with benefits, with way more benefits. 

But this is where I am confused.  We have seen each other a total of three times and he texts me all the time about when are we going to hook up…and most of the time those texts are kind of insensitive.  At the same time he texts me about other girls who he is sleeping with and gives out way too much information regarding his escapades 99% of the time.

I am confused, why text me all the time telling me this stuff and asking me to sleep with him, but yet he never makes an effort to actually get together.  What is his deal? Is there any hope for him just to sleep with me, not text me all the time, and for him to keep his mouth shut regarding all of the other girls he is banging?


Sexually Frustrated and in Need of a Good Lay


Dear Sexually Frustrated,

Ugh, happy fucking new year to me. For starters, I advise you make 2013 a banner year by not deluding yourself into thinking you want to be someone’s fuck buddy when in reality you have a crush on them. No one describes someone they just want to get sticky with as “tall, smart, personable, and hot.” That’s how people talk about their spouses, or at least their boyfriends. You’re only presenting it to me this way because a) you think it sounds cool and b) you know that saying you have a crush on a guy who’s fucking every girl in the known universe except you, IN FRONT OF you, would make you sound like a pathetic loser. Well guess what, it still does even if you don’t say it outright. Anyway, let’s pretend I’ve resolved to judge people less this year (I haven’t) and move on.

There’s just so much fail going on here. “I just want him to fuck me, not text me” is something a high school girl writes in her diary. Even then, she’s probably talking about Tim Tebow, not a guy who’s practicing for a post-apocalyptic world where it’s up to him to repopulate the earth. Yes, sure he’s going to text you, because no bro likes to let a potential fish off the hook. But if you’re wondering why he talks about hooking up but doesn’t put any “effort” into it, it’s because he doesn’t have to, for one of two reasons. One, the other girls come directly to him without coyness or pretense, in which case good for them I guess. Two, and more likely, is that he’d rather be banging someone other than you, and he can, so he does. I guess if you were to text him something like “Hey. Tonight. You, me. Bone Zone Cafe” he might be down, but please don’t go and make yourself any lamer than you already are.

Honestly, I don’t care if he’s the second hottest guy on earth, you’ve got to step away from this one. Half of your desire probably comes from the fact that other girls get him and you don’t. It’s one thing to hook up with a guy who’s banging other girls surreptitiously, because what you don’t know won’t hurt you (assuming herpes doesn’t hurt). But this guy is making such a show of it that I doubt you’re more than a joke to him by now, a girl who will put up with and/or say anything if she thinks she’ll have a chance of him asking her for sex. He probably keeps pushing the boundaries just for shits and giggles.

Everyone has times when they want something they can’t have, but I’m starting to feel embarrassed for you myself. Stop texting a guy who texts you about sex when he’s with another girl he’s about to fuck. I think that’s a good life lesson. I’m going back to bed.


Head Pro

P.S. You have shitty cell service.


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