Here's a quick summary of last night's Revenge: Emanda reveals to Detective Bowtie that she is Amanda Clarke, baby Carl wears a fugly baby hat, Emanda's mom holds the Graysons hostage inside their own walk-in closet, and the whole cast continues to
speak whisper in iambic pentameter. Oh and apparently revenge-plotting isn't enough, Emanda has taken the role of Santa upon herself, thanks to Neiman Marcus and Target.
Let's start with this secret gift giving commercial campaign. First of all, in my high state, this was nothing less than captivating. However, why does the act of dropping off cocktail dresses call for the soundtrack of Young Frankenstein? And finally, as a man who has more pastels than Matisse, Nolan would never throw an off-the-grid warehouse party, but he WOULD give Jack the only thing gayer than Joey and Chandler's gold friendship bracelets: friendship pom-pomp ski hats.
…And Declan WOULD be alone in a large library reading a 90-year-old copy of the Count of Monte Cristo ….you could put your weed in there.
Moving on…to the gingers. Tyler from first season, Nicholas Brody, and now almost-ginger Kara Clarke. I think it's safe to say that if you are an actor and a ginger you will always be cast as “that fucking crazy person.”
Conrad and Vicky are on for a real new romance? This is so last episode of Entourage.
The guy who is trying to take over this bar has a brother and he is from How I Met Your Mother yet I still care less about this plot line than I do about fake Amanda's foster parent sob stories.
Nolan Algernon Ross? As in Flowers for Algernon, the tale of the dumb boy who became smart? Sounds like a more appropriate name for Daniel Gordon Gekko Grayson…
…But seriously, someone needs to hire Daniel a how-to-be-a-CEO-tutor because it's really hard to watch him go all, “I'm going to take over this company with the help of my new British BFF investor…wait what's your name again?”
Ashley: What's going on!?
Daniel: We're taking over the company! Quick, grab the bayonets!
“This one time at revenge camp, this fellow avenger….” – Nolan
Mason's first theory was that Emanda and fake Amanda were lesbian lovers. I wouldn't be surprised, not a bad theory seeing as everyone on this show is bi.
Victoria tells Daniel not to be smart when he talks back to her. Shouldn't be hard.
Did Kara Clarke really think she was going to take down the Graysons? Get in the dressing room, both of you! TRY ON THOSE NEIMAN MARCUS CLOTHES!!
Better question – where did she get blindfolds on such short notice?
Mason who do you think you are with that bulletin board, chill out Carrie Mathison.
“I did not leave South
Side Hampton for this!” – Mason Treadwell
“I don't need a fancy wedding Jack, all I need is you, baby Carl, a Jameson and ginger… and a traditionary stripper pole.” – Fake Amanda
Shotgun wedding at the Stowaway..who's excited!?
Conrad: Victoria, this is Helen Crowley
Victoria: Omg do you know Candy?!?!
Back to the commercials….okay we've figured it out. Amanda is A.