How Do I Tell My Boyfriend To Shave His Balls? Ask A Pro

Send your burning questions about life, love and ball sweat (max: 200 words) to

I realized I haven’t done Ask A Pro in like a week, so I figured I probably should. On an unrelated note, if you’re going to participate in a late-summer softball league this year, do so in long pants. And long sleeves. And maybe chainmail. My body is covered in scrapes and scabs sustained going after errant throws from my shit-ass teammates, because I’m heroic as fuck. I look like a leper.

On to your letters:

Dear Head Pro Betch,

I have a question that I need expert advice on—here goes:

I’ve been insensitive to how fragile the male ego in past relationships… what’s a nice, cute, and polite way to tell a man his balls stink and he needs to trim down there?


Thank you,

[Actual Name]

There isn’t one, and this really isn’t a “fragile masculinity” thing. No girl I’ve dated has had any compunctions telling me that I smell and need to take a shower. He might be a little butthurt, but if he wants your face in his crotch, he’ll scrub up. Alternatively, you could suggest sexytimes in the shower. That’s always a good way to spice things up (and possibly sustain a head injury). As far as trimming his pubes, I dunno – is there a polite way for me to ask you to trim your bush? Your best bet is to ask him if he ever has, and let him tell you how he feels about the subject. Offer to shave each other! The couple that shaves their genitals together, stays together.

Dear Head Pro,

I’m usually the one who gives the advice, but here I am, unable to know what to do. So this is the situation, my dear boyfriend who I really love lives across the ocean and he’s not supposed to be back soon. I get to see him every three or four months, and to be honest, the last time I saw him he didn’t really treat me right. I got disappointed but hey, I forgave.

Now the thing is, everytime I get mad he expects me not to be, he expects me to forgive everything, to tell him I love him all the time, but of course, he says he doesn’t feel comfortable being that way too. Bullshit, he used to be. He says he doesn’t trust me because of the distance too. So I thought… Why doesn’t he trust me? That’s because he’s the one who’s cheating! But then he just claims to be this kind of guy who just wants to have a happy family and all that, so I don’t think he is necessarily cheating. Oh and this last thing, he says he doesn’t trust me because he doesn’t like the fact that I look pretty and I’m aware of it and stuff like that. He knew what he got when he first met me!!

What in the world can I do? I want him to be like he used to. I really love him so I keep thinking one day he will realize that what I feel is real, but then I just realize how stupid I sound. Really.

Thank you,
A confused betch

Yeah, this is fucked. A lot of people want their significant others to “be like they used to,” but it never happens. No one has any business dating someone across an ocean that they don’t plan to see soon, let alone someone who fucks around on them but then expects them to be loving and faithful. Like, that’s ridiculous. He’s basically ended the relationship, only he doesn’t really have to do so formally because he’s an ocean away. Just break up with him and get on with it, or don’t bother and stop talking to him. I mean, what’s he gonna do, cheat on you even harder?

Dear Head Pro,

I’m gonna keep this short and sweet: My boyfriend is terrible at sex. Terrible. Everyone’s heard sex horror stories but this guy literally surpasses all of them. We’re both in our second year of college. He always finishes within like 5 minutes and then feels bad that I haven’t come yet so he goes down on me. No lie, he literally just laid his tongue down inside of my vagina and just chilled there until I told him to stop. Like a dead slug or something.

Other than this he’s kinda the perfect boyfriend (yeah I know, hard to believe) so I tried to coach him through a little bit. He still couldn’t do it. What the fuck am I supposed to do because as a college student I feel like having sex kinda sorta every second of the freakin day.

What should I do? Thanks,
Desperate Betch

Welp, I’m never getting that image out of my head, so thanks for that. I don’t understand how in 2015, with the infinite knowledge of the internet, some people still don’t know how to do stuff in bed. Like, when I was in high school/going to college, it was all hearsay and whatever porn you could get to download via your parents 56.6k internet connection before they got back from the grocery store. That book they used to learn how to eat snatch in “American Pie?” We would have killed for that to be real. Maybe it is! I won’t rest until I’ve scoured every corner of my alma mater’s library. I MUST LEARN THE VULVA’S SECRETS.

Anyhow, you and your boyfriend need to have some sexytimes that don’t involve P-in-V sex. That way, he’s not slurping on his own splooge while trying (and failing) to remember what to do with his tongue. Make it a whole “let’s explore our bodies” type thing – tell him what you want him to do, how it feels, etc. without the pressures of copulation. Maybe even touch yourselves while each other watches, with the goal being that he’ll infer from the motion of your hands and fingers that his tongue ought to be doing something similar. If you have to, find some porn that appeals to you so you can show him and say “see? That. Do that.”

If he can’t get the hang of it (or trying sounds like too much work), just fucking dump him. Your college life is way too short to spend it with some dweeb who can’t find the button.

Send your burning questions about life, love and ball sweat (max: 200 words) to


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