Dear Head Pro,
I'm having a bit of a problem that I am in desperate need of a guys opinion on. So there's this guy that I met through one of my good friends. He seems to have every materialistic quality that I've been looking for. He's super hot, athletic and rich as fuck. But he also is really sweet when he's not a total douche bag and funny when he wants to be as well. We met through this friend of mine, and one night a couple weeks ago we finally hooked up. We didn't go very far though since I was uncomfortable with the fact that I know he has over 30 kills. Not only is that sort of a turn off but he also doesn't have a job (he's in a high level hockey league so he plays hockey full time), gets high all the time when he's not playing games, and is constantly doing fucked up/getting fucked up with his buddies.
Everything else about him is great though and I feel like he has serious potential to be a great boyfriend because I have seen signs of it. My friend who introduced us said that he has been hurt by girls that he has cared about a lot in the past and now is dealing with his problems this way instead of like a normal person. My question to you is whether or not it is possible for a guy to change? Also is this whole FTB (for the boys, in case that lingo hasn't reached you guys yet) thing going to stop once they all mature a little bit and realize there's more to life than smoking weed and living off their dad's allowance money? Is he ever going to want to settle down with one girl? And what could I do to help make him see that I could help him get his life together so he doesn't feel so lost and damaged? Sorry for all the questions but my mind is so perplexed by the male brain, I never know where to start. I really think that we could be good together if he changed his lifestyle around and started dealing with his problems properly.
Help Me Be A Hockey Wife
Dear Hockey Wife,
Ugh. This whole premise is fucked. “We could be good together if he changed his lifestyle around and started dealing with his problems properly.” By that logic, you could be with literally anyone, provided you could change just about everything about them. I could date Jennifer Lawrence if I could somehow make it so she knew who I was and was interested in me, for instance. A few other things.
– Nearly everyone is capable of being sometimes sweet and funny. That doesn’t automatically make them boyfriend material, though. I have legs, but that doesn’t make me an NFL prospect, and barnyard animals don’t make suitable sex partners just because they have orifices. A good rule of thumb if that all but a few things about a guy are awful, you are likely barking up the wrong tree.
– Sure, people change, but for themselves and not other people. What’s his incentive to change? He seems like he has it all figured out, if you ask me. He’s playing a semi-pro sport, getting fucked up with his bros all the time and banging girls all while living off a trust fund. That sounds like a pretty good way to go about life in your early 20s.
– Who made it your job to “fix” him, and who’s to say you’re even capable? No one likes being told they “need” to change, and people like it even less when they’re told they need to change with the implication that it’s so you can mold them into what you want for the future exploitation of their wealth and success. You don’t know what (if any) problems he has, and unless his friends are psychologists, they don’t either.
Will he ever settle down with one girl? Maybe. Probably, even, but who knows? All we know is that it’s not you, and not now. Anointing yourself the steward of his mental and emotional wellbeing is a little presumptuous, and downright obnoxious when you consider that your motivations for doing so are mostly selfish. There are plenty of hot, rich and athletic guys out there; find one that’s actually compatible with you.
This is why relationships aren’t built on pro/con lists,
Dear Head Pro,
I have a great FWB. Sex with him is amazing and he is also extremely good looking, in shape, and has a personality that I adore (think One Direction but like, he's a pro). Things were vague with him earlier in our “relationship” but when we finally DTR, we agreed that we're just fuck buddies.
So our situation is ideal except for one thing: he stood me up twice already. Like, I literally waited all night for him to come pick me up (twice). I didn't call/text because I didn't want to be clingy but seriously, it was upsetting and it was a waste of my time. After he stood me up, he would go MIA for a couple of days and then resurfaced again and if I don't reply to him he would go on a social media craze (liking everything I post although irrelevant to him) and send me a gazillion texts.
How do I bring it up to him without sounding crazy? I want to keep being FWB because nowadays it's so hard to find one that is that good but I don't want him to think I'm clingy/want something more.
Sick of being a doormat
Dear Delusional Doormat,
Ok, clearly you’re insecure; don’t know what for – things are no less “vague” in your “relationship” now than they were before. You were fuck buddies without calling it as much, and you still are. Hint, if having the DTR talk results in being formal fuck buddies, you didn’t DTR – you just lost, that’s all. I’m not saying girls are incapable of being happy in FWB situations, but the ones who are don’t email me about it.
Yes – it is an unequivocally dick move to be stood up, by anyone. He’s 100% in the wrong there, no two ways about it. But here’s the thing: You don’t ask your fuck buddy to come pick you up to take you somewhere. That’s a date, which is something you do with boyfriends (or potential boyfriends), not fuck buddies. Saying you “don’t want to seem clingy,” or “don’t want to seem like you want more” means little when in practice, you appear to want much more. A fuck buddy is someone you hit up when it’s convenient, not someone you plan your night around. You need to tell him in the morning if you don't feel the same about this in your bones.
That aside, texting someone who has committed to an obligation (regardless of your relationship with them) when they fail to meet it doesn’t make you look clingy. It makes it look like you reasonably expected them to follow through and want to know what’s up when they don’t. That’s fine. Saying “dude, next time you say you’re going to pick me up, either do it or don’t bother offering” is a little thing a normal person would let slip out of their mouth. If you somehow construe that as coming off as clingy, you should get up and get out of your head, and you probably need to separate entirely. You gotta live while you’re young.
You never treat yourself right, but I want you to,