Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

This is from a bro so I'm not sure if you're even allowed to answer this but here it goes. So I've been seeing a girl on and off for the last year. I am head over heels for the girl and have been since day 1.  So, we started dating shortly after she broke up with her boyfriend who was in France. This were weird though, she still kept in touch with this ex very closely, close enough that I occasionally heard “I love you” bring uttered to him and even a web cam and lack of clothes was admitted while we were still dating. So knowing this, one day when she was angry with me I broke up with her. 

An hour later, my state of head over heels got the best of me and I begged her to take me back and she said no, although we continued seeing each other as if we were dating. A month goes by and her ex comes home and she proceeds to see both of us simultaneously, like I hang out and we have sex and then 15 minutes later I could have to leave so she can do the same with him.  All the time though she assures me that she likes me and doesn't want to lose me. I put up with it for a semester and then she slowly starts to phase him out and it becomes only me. Well not completely only me, she talks to a crush she had and even goes as far devise a plan with him on how they can hookup although she doesn't go through with it because of me she later admits.  She also hooks up with an ex from a couple years back during this “only me time” but she always forgets about that… Poor guy. 

We start dating again in the summer and things are alright until midway through when she starts to talk to her ex again. I beg her to stop and she gives me this whole dialogue on how I can restrict her from talk to anyone. Two days later she invites the ex over to make her dinner and again I get upset and she gets upset at me because I'm upset at her. Then, one night when she refused to see me because she was angry at me, I drive past her apartment on a way to a friends house to find her ex's car at her house at about 11 at night.  I dumped her again that night. 

We then sparsely talk for about 4 weeks and then start talking again. We admit our feelings for each other and she says how much she misses me and loved me so we begin taking intimately again. While we are talking, I go to my best friends wedding and get a blow job from a girl one of the nights. This was the first physical contact I've had with any other girl but her in a year. It takes me a couple days to tell her about it when I get back but I eventually man up to it. She gets upset and says she can trust me. I'll remind you though we weren't dating. Well we are dating now and I am completely devoted to her. I don't spend time with my guy friends, I don't talk to any other girls, there hadn't been a night in over a month that I haven't been with her but she continues to not trust me and doubts the relationship sometimes. She even got mad because I answered a text from a girl that she thought I was trying to date while we weren't taking and then a minute later I see her answering texts from her obsessed ex.

Am I crazy for thinking that she should put a little faith in me for sticking around with her for this long or am I crazy for sticking around this long? Or do I deserve to not be trusted because I broke up with her twice and got a blow job once?

Thanks for the help.

Dear Nice Guy Doormat,

I got one paragraph into your long, sad, sad tale before I knew exactly who you are. Please refer to #33 nice guys for an observation on why no betch would ever treat you with any respect. We get that you have good intentions, but seriously have you no self respect? This girl does not give a shit about you, and you are her back burner bro turned boyfriend when it's convenient. The fact that you stayed with her and continued to hook up with her while she was hooking up with someone else and still contacting her ex is why this girl will never look at you like a real man ever. It's not that you have to be a douchebag but this girl probably recoils at the fact that you take all her shit and keep coming back for more.

As far as I can see, getting a blow job from a random girl at a wedding is the best thing you've done in the past two years. While I'd say this girl deserved it, she really doesn't deserve anything good or bad because you allow her to treat you like shit so this is really your fault. Grow some balls and stop letting betches walk all over you or you will never be seen as anything but a nice guy pussy whipped loser. Finally, dump this slut and start fresh with a girl who doesn't know your history of allowing yourself to be a walking lovesick puppy who follows around girls who don't want him.

Finally, chill with the SAT lingo and shitty grammar. This shit will barely get you an over the pants hand job let alone laid.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

My professor is a straight up passive-aggressive, psychotic bitch. She says the most condescending, rude things, with this ENORMOUS smile on her face (which further proves she is insane).  Throughout the semester I have just rolled my eyes and ignored these comments from her. Normally, I don't give a shit about this bat-shit crazy old hag, but today she called me out in front of the entire class and made me look like a fucking idiot. If I was dealing with any other bitch, I could easily put her in her place, but I am not exactly sure how to deal with this because she is a teacher. Advice for knocking my teacher down a notch?


Studious Betch

Dear Studious Betch,

First of all, why are you going to class, loser? Just kidding, but really. Anyway, the best way to deal with dried up old bitches who are jealous of you because you're young and really pretty is to not give a shit. These women thrive on the power they get from making you look dumb and giving you shitty grades. Show her you don't care by smiling your way through it and making fun of her with your friends behind her back.

Look at it this way, this woman has to spend the rest of her life teaching students about a subject that probably doesn't matter with facts they'll never use while you've still got years left to party in college and be young and hot and not give a shit about anyone but yourself. Which sounds better?


The Betches


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