The foreign art of the Irish exit is one of our favorite pastimes. After all, betches are totally culturally diverse. Did you think we did a semester abroad just for the Russian vodka and the hot British accents? Betches are so good at casually slipping out of lame parties because it combines two of our best qualities: lying and being totally chill about it. But if we’re asked why we’re bouncing early, telling the host that we’re disappointed in her selection of shitty alcohol and boring guests doesn’t always go over too well. So here are a few key excuses to use to leave any party as early as you want.
Being a Good Friend
When in doubt, blame someone else. No one can call bullshit on an excuse that shows you’re being a loyal friend. If your best friend just got dumped by a guy or rejected from law school, use that shit to your advantage. She might be blacked out on a rooftop bar across town, but as far as the people at this party are concerned, she’s waiting for you back at your apartment with a family-size bag of Cheetos and mascara running down her face. You’re dying to stay but you just have to be a good best friend. Who can argue with that?
Too Drunk to Party
Whether you had one sip of wine or four shots of Tequila, act like you tripled that on an empty stomach while on anxiety meds. By acting much drunker than you are, leaving early comes with a lot less questions. This way, people will know that you clearly had a good time—maybe even too good of a time, so they’ll leave you alone about dipping. Partied too hard? We totally get it—just go to sleep. Plus, no one wants a girl puking in their bathroom anyway. If anything, the host will be happy you decided to leave. You’re just sooo responsible.
Sometimes a fake chick flick crisis won’t make the cut, and you’ll have to get your family involved. This excuse is for the betches who are lying pros. Keep the straightest face possible and tell the host you have to run because of a family emergency. This excuse is totally foolproof because you don’t even have to go into detail about the situation. Everyone understands family privacy. You might wake up to a few texts asking if everything’s okay, but people will forget eventually.
Early Morning Appointment
Saying you have an appointment is the most vague excuse ever, but it’s also the most underrated. Just like a family emergency, no one questions about any medical appointment you have, and it’s pretty well understood that you don’t ask someone what type of doctor they’re seeing. You could have a pedicure appointment at 3PM the next day, but as far as these people are concerned, you need to get up at the crack of dawn for some serious medical situation. Without any planning, you can just mouth, “Sorry, getting up super early for an appointment,” and just like that, you’re in your Uber, charging your phone on the way to some after-party downtown.